Sup3rnality

I will be out of town for a while. My family and I won a few free stays at some hotels all around Malaysia and we've decided to use one of it that expires the end of this month. So it's off to Malacca for the weekend. We're not staying long since my dad works Mondays to Fridays, so we're getting back tomorrow. And plus, there are some important appointments and 'do's that we have to attend tomorrow. It's no big since Malacca is only the neighbouring state, so it's not much of a problem to drive there and back.

It just crossed my mind that I haven't mentioned a thing about my interview on Thursday. Well, that'll wait til I get back, then. There's not much to tell, honestly, but it deserves a mention. Anyway, will get back to you when I get back. Take care, all, and have a good weekend.

Love, Linzy~

P/s: Sayang, I've been missing you like supercrazy and I am dying to be able to see you again. Make sure you come back safe, alright? I love you with all my heart.

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary. If it happens, you blog it. And you make it as entertaining as possible. You may be guilty of over-sharing a bit on your blog, but you can't help it. Your life is truly an open book. Or in this case, an open blog!

You Are 68% Pure

You're pretty pure, and you have no plans on changing that. You do have a devilish side though... and it will probably get the better of you.

What Hazlin Means

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic “Type A” personality. You are incredibly wise and perceptive. You have a lot of life experience. You are a natural peacemaker, and you are especially good at helping others get along. But keeping the peace in your own life is not easy. You see things very differently, and it's hard to get you to budge. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

My first ever interview is today at 1.30 pm, at Wisma UOA, KL.
I'm feeling nervous, although not really sure how.
I'm calm, but a little out of place.
I cannot really put a finger on my feelings right now.
Ah well, we'll see how it goes.
If it's good, then I'll know where I stand.
If it's not, thren I would not what I should improve on next time around.
Anyhow, wish me luck!

Love, Linzy~

I am going for my first interview tomorrow. It'll be at Wisma UOA, KL at 1.30pm with the recruiters, who are looking for editors for a publishing company. And if all goes well with the interview tomorrow, I will then proceed to the next level and meet with my actual potential employers. They are a Netherlands company which is based in Cyberjaya, and need editors to edit/proofread etc. their publications.

Out of all the vacancies that I have looked through on Jobstreet.com, this is one that stands out and is really calling to me. I feel like it is really something that I can do, something I'd love to do. There are other tempting jobs, of course, like being an English Literature lecturer at HELP or Taylor's; and I am looking forward to getting a call from them, but working as an editor seems to be something I'd love to do at the moment. Academia I would maybe keep for the future.

So right now, I'm gearing myself up for the interview. My main concern is about what to wear tomorrow. I had to go out shopping with my mother today to get a bunch of stuff, cos me, the person that I am, don't wear any other type of pants other than jeans and own only a coupla shirts. So I had to get meself some slacks and some proper shirts. So I went to Jusco Seremban, and got what I needed.

But of course, in true Linzy fashion, when I got back, I found out that I somehow managed to pick the wrong pair of pants....wait, wait, both pants that I picked out were the wrong ones. I was like "WTF?!". But Jusco is too far to go to again, so I'm just gonna wear the one that is the wrong size (one size too big) but wearable. The other one I definitely have to change because eventhough it is the right size, but the cut on me is horrific. It bulges and stretches unflatteringly and I am not compfortable in it at all. So, nope. Meaning that I would have to go to Jusco again within three days to change them pants.

Other than that, all I that's left to do is to think of how I'm gonna be presenting myself tomorrow. I'm psyching myself right now, getting myself into the correct state of mind, and correct state of being. That's how I usually prepare myself for these things. It's about adapting myself to the surroundings and atmosphere.... Once I get into the right frame of mind, I guess I'm set.

So, it's best I get off to sleep now. Plus, my Sayang has already given me a good pep talk to calm my nerves, and I've promised him I'd sleep by 2am. Thus, I better get into bed now. Well, not into bed since I'm already on the bed. Just have to tuck meself in and get some shuteye.

So, goodnight. Will tell you all about it after. Toodles~

Love, Lin~

I'm so excited! I got a call from a recruitment company today regarding my application for the job vacancy as an editor. We set up an appoinment for this Thursday afternoon in Wisma UOA, KL, and if I pass that interview, I would be called for a second round to determine whether or not I would be hired.

I am so exhilirated that I don't know how to put it into words. I haven't even sent in an actual resume, but only KIVed the application, and yet I got a call anyway. It's definitely a little pick-me-up to get me up and going. I know it's just the preliminary step, and I might get disappointed, but it doesn't hurt to try and see where I stand. If I don't do well, then I know where my strengths and weaknesses lie, and do what I can to improve myself. And if they don't deliver, like my friend's advice suggested, then I would know how to handle things in the future.

It's a brave new world for me. I'm still not sure what to do. I still don't know the steps. But I'll learn in time, and I'm anticipating to see where this would take me. Wish me luck, all. Ta.

Love, Linzy~

Nighttime is usually reserved for family time. My dad would be back from a long day at work and we'll have dinner and all sit in the living room together. It's like an unwritten rule. We wouldn't be upstairs in the room or elsewhere. Even if we wanted to do something else other than watch tv, we would bring it downstairs to be in the living room; like how I'd be blogging while the my father, mother, brother and sister would be watching a movie or some other tv series.

Tonight we watched a movie called My Dog Skip, which is about a boy, Willie, acted by Frankie Muniz and his Terrier dog called Skip, short for Skipper. The movie is narrated by an older Willie (Harry Connick Jr.) looking back at his younger years starting from his 9th birthday, when he was first given Skip, and he tells of how Skip taught him about life. How with Skip by his side, he matured from boy to young man, became an insecure loner to one of the boys, got the courage to talk to the prettiest girl in town and , and mostly, taught him the value of friendship. Skip died when Willie was in Oxford.

I shed a few tears watching that movie, not because of the movie itself, but because I was reminded of a dear friend that I still miss so dearly.


Sawadikap was a mixed breed Siamese born sometime in 1998. He was born totally white, and developed his brown tips as he grew older. He was a great companion of mine. Loving, loyal, concerned; he never ceased to amaze me with the things he did in his love for me.

Every morning when I had to go to school, he knew the time when I'd come out of the room, cos he'll be there outside my bedroom door, ready to escort me downstairs. When we were downstairs, he'd be right on my heels, following my every move. And when I stood outside to wait for my bus, he would be there standing right with me, the companion by my side til I got on the bus, but not before I gave him a scratch under his chin.

When I got back, he'd be there, too, on the front porch anticipating my arrival. I was always a VIP with him around, with him by my side like a little bodyguard. But don't be fooled, he may be a cat, but he's tough and very muscley. The other cats were afraid of him. But with me, he was loving and took care of me, made sure I was safe. He even walked me to my tuition teacher's house, which was on the street behind mine, and he'll be waiting outside when I was done, and we'd race each other home; him chasing after me madly.

We were inseparable. He was my best friend whom made my life so cheerful each day. He was there through thick and thin. He loved sleeping on my chest or in the canopy of my caftan, he would insist on my picking him up and would roll around until I did, he licked my face when I cried, defended me from other cats and whatever else he deemed was his responsibility to me.

Then I went to MCIIUM, and then moved to Seremban. I hated Seremban and refused to take him there, confident that I would be in Shah Alam more and cos I didn't wanna traumatize him, taking him so far away. But there was where my mistake lay, and I have regrets til now.

I saw very little of him, and when my uncle did renovations to the house in Shah Alam, my Kap got poisoned from all the chemicals that was in the water puddles. Being stuck in MCIIUM and Seremban, it took me 2 weeks to actually go see him after my uncle first told me that Kap was sick. And when I did....

My Uncle told me that Kap already went missing for several days, and I was already fearing the worst, already crying with regret. I sat outside the house for a long time, calling out his name. After so long, he came hobbling back, hardly able to stand. As soon as he reached my arms, he collapsed into a heap, tired from his effort to walk all the way home.

He was dying by then. He was emaciated, skin and bones, and hardly any energy to even lift his head. I was crying non-stop, regret filling every space in my mind, wishing I was there sooner, wishing I had taken him to Seremban with me, wishing I had never neglected him... I took him home to Seremban that night, holding him close, whispering to him not to die, that I would take care of him. But as the night drew on, I knew he wasn't going to make it.

I was awake all night with him. First crying for him not to leave me, saying I was sorry over and over. Then as he looked at me with his wise eyes, tired and weary, I knew in his way he was saying goodbye. I reconciled with myself, all my regrets and all my sadness, and told him it was ok for him to go, that I'd be ok. I held him all night, as I cried, with him looking up at me. His eyes a blue of calm, which saddened me so.

In the morning, around 7am, I took my eyes off him for just a few minutes to open the door. When I turned around, I saw his body jerk, and then he was gone. I sat for a long time holding his lifeless body, crying into his fur.

I miss my Kap. Every now and then, when I am reminded of him, my heart aches, and I would feel that involuntary tear run down my cheeks. The stalwart loyalty he showed, his love and companionship, is something that's hard to find. I failed him in many ways, and yet, he still believed in me. The fact that he waited all that while for me to come home, pained me even more, knowing I should have been there sooner when he needed me most. I know I can say sorry over and over, but it'll never change a thing. I just hope you know it.

Some people may never understand the bond I have with my cats, the friendship and love we share... It's not something many people are privileged to have. But believe me, the pain is deep, and you never stop forgetting. But then, you remember the good times, and how they're always there for you, and you smile a little...Eventhough you know you'll never have them back. That's just how much they touch your life.

And I, will never stop remembering you, my Kap. Your unconditional love and loyalty you showed me taught me how to love even better, and most of all, to appreciate the things I have...before they're gone. I love you, Kap.

~Lin

It has only been 2 weeks since I finished my last paper, American Literature. From then, I have been busily packing and moving out of campus, staying at home and helping out with chores where I can and I have also *ahem ahem* been tinkering with my resume and cover letter. Yup, I am unemployed and looking to banish that title as far away as I possibly can.

It's been nice staying at home and lazing about. Sleeping late and sleeping in has surely been good, seeing how last semester was such a horror. But it's getting old fast, and I can actually feel myself getting more sluggish by the day, and getting fatter, too. Not to mention I am feeling very much useless.

There is just a need to get up and do something. As much as the prospect of just relaxing for a month or two is great, I don't think I can for long. And I know my mother and the rest of my family would love me to be around longer, but I cannot be at a standstill. This in-between, transitioning feeling has to go. Not to mention I feel like I'm too old to be reliant on them, and I need to do something to earn my living.

Thus, I have finished writing my resume and cover letter, and am sending them out to wherever I can. So far, I have received one call, but I turned it down due to it not exactly being my forte. I'm looking more into editing and content/creative writing, and they're very limited, so I best be sending in my application now so not to miss out. There are many great jobs that have caught my eye, but now, all I have to do is wait to see whether I'm shortlisted.

So, wish me luck. I'm on a job hunt and ready to go. Lets see where the hunt takes me.

~Linzy

Not 10 minutes ago, I fell asleep in front of this computer while copying my recent entry onto my Xanga blog. I guess I've been so tired from my erratic sleep that I could actually fall into deep sleep despite it only being minutes of shuteye. I better get my sleeping habits straight.

The short lil snooze in front of my laptop must have been rather deep, seeing how I actually managed to dream something quite substantial. You know, when the dreams are not just jigsaws but actually a story with a plot? Yeah, that's what happened just a few minutes ago.

In the dream, I had a date with Ash (Sayang, I must be missing you so damn much to have dreamt of you) and promised to go meet him at this apartment. I actually went there by motorbike, and yes, I was the one riding it; which in itself is a wonder seeing how a) I can't even balance on a bicycle, and b) I am scared of riding motorbikes. I got to where he was waiting, without much fuss, and he was there with 6 other people, 3 guys and 3 girls.

Nope, I didn't know any of them. The girls all look the baik-baik type, all demure buta lil bitchy, while the guys seemed like the louder, more obnoxious set. I wondered why they were there with us but didn't say anything. Since we were at this apartment; we were not in an apartment, but outside and waay downstairs and the parking lot, or void deck. They were laughing and calling out to their friend on some floors up telling him to come down, but he didn't want to.

Then we went to a restaurant and Ash and I were the last one to sit down, and the girls all had their eyes on me. Looking at me with that I-know-something-you-don't-know look. I was puzzled but shrugged it off since I don't know them. Then one of the guys addressed privately, and obviously asked about me since he was looking in my direction many times. Again, I just pretended not to care.

Later, Ash told me that they wanted me to join them. And they were somesort of cult. Ash was newly initiated, and since they had to be in pairs, the next step was for me to be a part of it too. I was reluctant. Very. Cos I didn't know what it was about. And I never did, cos that was where the dream ended.

When I woke up, for a while I thought it was real cos it seemed so. Despite it being very brief, and the sleep itself was even less than half-an-hour, it felt as though it really happened. Now I'm wondering whether it means anything...hehehe.

But then again, with my lack of sleep and my watching some few weird movies lately, I'm not surprise to have dreamt that. In the past few days I've watched Believers, Numb3rs, Joshua, 28 Weeks Later and many many other thrillers, so it's no wonder. Especially since Believers is about a weird sect of religion and the episode of Numb3rs I watched was also about a cult. So yeah, no wonder.

So, back to reality now. I have guests coming over today so the house needs some spick-and-spanning. It's a college friend of my parents who used to babysit me and call me Cik Bedah, so he's pretty close even if we don't see him often. The last time we met him must have been about 2-3 years ago.

So, signing off for now. Bye.

~Linzy

When I was much younger, around the age of 13 or so, I always wondered why my cousin made a beeline to the lingerie section whenever we went shopping. Then we got home (we lived together cos she was studying in UiTM Shah Alam as that time and she's like a sister to me), she would excitedly rush to the room to try them on. It always left me puzzled.
The way I figured it, no matter how pretty they are, you're only gonna be wearing them underneath your clothes. And rather than spending on lingerie, she might as well use the cash to buy herself nice tops.

Of course, that was a decade ago, and times have changed. For one, for a person who used to hate clothes because I hated having to try them on and feel that itchy new-clothes sensation, or go to the changing room etc.; I am now obsessed with clothes and cannot resist the temptation of looking, trying and buying clothes. And this obsession with clothes was coupled with also the insane love for lingerie.


Clothes aside, it being already a well-known vice of mine; lingerie is just...thrilling. I love looking at the different colours and designs, the materials and textures, the lace and the ribbons. They're all such pretty and frilly wearable colourful kaleidoscopes. The feeling of putting on something nice makes you feel good about yourself, makes you feel like you can get out there and just strut your stuff regardless of what people think. It doesn't matter if people don't get to see you in it, but the knowledge that you have on something sexy and beautiful just puts that extra sway in your walk. But then, if you have a specific audience, I guess it wouldn't hurt. *grin*

I love lingerie. So much so that's it's a sin. I love flowery bras with lace that just wraps around your body intimately and feels so good. Or the satin like feel of t-shirt bras that fits snug against you like a second skin. Don't let me get started on underwear...

For me, like clothes, I've no patience to get meself expensive brands that I'll splurge on once in a blue moon and would not buy again for the next few. Nope. I am content with going to supermarkets and going through their range of lingerie for a much cheaper and affordable price. For the price I'd have to pay at a lingerie exclusive shop, I could get several pieces of lingerie and not just one. It's more fun that way, coming home with a whole load of pretty frills to put on.

Oh, and I can't stand those people who look down their noses at us people who prefer to purchase their underthings at hypermarts and all. I've had the occasional expensive lingerie buys, and I also have the affordable buys, and I can tell you there's not much of a difference. They're all fragile and need special care when washing and handling, and either way, will still get worn out with wear (or tear, if it gets hastily ripped off of you...hehe). Lingerie is lingerie is lingerie. It's how you wear it, not where you bought it.

Oh, lingerie, such an indulgence. If there's one thing you could put on to feel, well, all woman-like and sexy, it's the intimacy between you and your bras and panties. Hehe :D

So here's to being a woman and being proud of it.

Love, Linzy~

My days lately have been blemished by the shadow of mild nausea. It hovers slighly by, present, but not altogether there. It's made worse by my habit of eating no earlier than 10 or 11, because by the time I want to actually have something to eat, I'd feel like tossing my cookies. Not that I have had any cookies yet, mind.

Wait, before you jump to conclusions. No, I'm not pregnant.

I think it's my sleeping patterns. Well, not think, it is the sleeping habits I've been falling into. Not having anything much to do the next day has prompted me to be awake the night away being online and such. It's not that I have anything in particular to do when I am awake at night... It's only that I find that the nighttime is my favourite part of the day, and I like being up at that time to savour it.

But of course, the downside is that in the day I would feel a dull throbbing in my head and an incessant lethargy. And the fact that I have nothing to do in the day makes me all the more sluggish, and thus not contributing to my situation. If I was up and about, I'd at least be able to force my brain to be up and going to chase off sleep and headaches.

So, I suppose, tonight I'd schedule my shuteye to an earlier time. But earlier for me would mean about 1am or so. Well, it's better than nothing anyway.

Anyhow, I'm off for a kenduri today and have to visit my uncle who is not feeling so well. Saturdays are always a little busy for me. Who says that weekends are relaxing, I have no idea. But no lah, I'm not complaining, cos I haven't been out for days, and I'm getting a little bored.

*sigh* Another month til the beginning of the new semester... I'm missing you like supercrazy, Sayang. Counting the days til I get to see you. I love you.

Signing off, I've to go get ready now. Catch you later.

~Linzy

I have a million and one words that I would love to put into writing. Unfortunately, with the existence of my blogs, I have ceased to write in my actual journal because a) it's too tiring to write about the same thing twice, and b) I've gotten so used to typping everything out that I actually dread writing it all down by hand. Me, tired of writing? Now that is blasphemy.

And since we're in that vein of thought; the million and one things would seem blasphemous to be made concrete. They involve the neurons in my brain working overtime connecting with one another in harmonious fashion to give birth to a bundle of sinful words. Everything from paganism to eroticism, sharpening the dull edge of words that cut like a knife. All inspired by my hell-bent mind with the help of, well, some other inspiration *dangerous smile*

Ah well, they're not even written down yet. They're just there teasing my mind to bring my fingers to tap them down onto the screen. But they'll be substantiated when the need arises. For now, let them play in my own personal playground.

~Linzy

You were Friday morning's embers
But January's fire.
I stoked the flames while
I set you alight on the pyre.

(I lied when I said I hated the smell of smoke in the air)

You rose from the ashes
Without the demon in your soul.
It was purged in the fires
And yet you still stay cold.

(I need to wash the smell out of my hair)

You led me from the rain
Spun me over, gone insane.
I'm much too dizzy, now
I cannot go again.

(You think I don't, but I care)

The song has stopped
The dance has ended for this night.
I'll hum the tune from time to time
And remember how everything's bright.

(I think the world's too big to bear)

~Linzy

For many years of my life, especially during those crucial formative years, many took pleasure in putting me down.

I had a (religious) teacher who loved insinuating that I was a lost cause and had that expression that she would have spat on me when she found out I was the best student in class that year. She protested such a scandalous thing, the fact I scored better than the rest. She looked at me with such hatred, shaking her head in disbelief. I was 7 years old.

Another teacher loved picking on me when I made the slightest bit of mistake. While her favourite students (she favoured the popular, beautiful ones; especially the boys) would get a pat on the back and she'd say "Takpe, takpe. Cikgu paham...", I would get a violent pinching while she looked me in the eye, hoping I'd cry. I never gave in.

I got my hair pulled when a religious teacher saw me without my head scarf. It would have been called harassment, too bad it wouldn't be regarded so, here.

There were guys I knew who thought it their civic duty to come up to inform me "Kau ni buruk kan?" (You're ugly, aren't you?) or "Muke kau ni pelik" (you have a weird face). And even worse, when it accidentally leaked out that I had a crush on some guy (who thought it a disgrace to have me liking him), the guy had his friends tell me that I wasn't good enough, that I was not up to his standards.

"Apesal kau gemuk sangat?"
"Pelik lah kau ni"
"Bodoh"
"Kau ni hitam lah. Buruk"
"What makes you think you're important? That you even matter?"
"Kau ni mesti tak tau agama, kan?"
"Ade orang ke nak suke kat ngkau ni?"
"Kau cakap klakar lah"

I think I've heard enough for one lifetime.

Thankfully, some part of my mind, even at a young age, never computed such words to be true. I had a family who constantly reminded me of my strengths, and I believe I had them. I knew I was better, and I knew that such people, in their pathetic need to feel better about themselves, needed to feel that power of insulting others to feel a false sense of strength. I knew that.

But then...when such hateful words are drilled hard into your mind from young over and over, it would get under your skin. It would undermine some part of your confidence and make you question the foundations you lay your strength on.

The thing is, while I know that I am better than others that they think, I get shaken sometimes. No matter how strong I believe I am, when you hear it one too many times, you start wondering: "If so many people say it, maybe it's true?" And it rattles me. Makes me wonder if anything I've done ever was worth anything at all.

What I'm trying to say is that, I don't need this. I don't need this crap. It's not funny, and I do not enjoy having my not-idealistic features be pointed out.

Like today, it hurts to hear you make fun of me. I know what I'm not. I do not have the perfect body, perfect skin... I know it. I see it in the mirror everyday. But I've learned to live with it and appreciate what I have. Why can't you? I'm the one that has to live with it, why is it bothering you so? Am I so embarassing to you?

I hate this, I hate having to hear insults hurled at me, bringing back memories of dark times. I hate having to relive those words that break down yet again these pillars I've built. I hate that people are so shallow that how you look determines everything that you are. How the way you look is all they will see first, and the rest comes later.

I don't effing need this. I'm not beautiful, I effing know that. I don't need you advertising it. I don't need you laughing and making jokes about it. I don't reed to be effing reminded. I've enough psychological Post-it Notes all over my brain to remind me of my ugliness til the day I die. So can you just stop?

My self-esteem is already constantly on edge, wondering which way to jump. A see-saw of emotions unsure on which way to stay. One day I can be strong, on another I'd be questioning whether I'm good enough. I don't need this.

So, please. I've battled my demons, and I have my scars. They're not pretty as they are, so there's no need to be scratching on them to open up old wounds and sprinkle salt all over. I don't need to feel them again, and have added insult to injury.

And anyway, since we're on this topic of my self esteem; I'd just like to say, to whoever it may concern, what I wrote before holds true. I do not need people to question me and my work. I've had my worthiness questioned and broken down too many times to have a person who should know me better question me. It was uncalled for, the way you questioned my ability to finish my work; especially when you had to even wonder whether I would jeopardize other people. For someone who *should* know me better, that question was not needed. The fact that you did not believe I was capable, points to you not knowing me a single bit.

Alright, I think I went on more than I thought I would... But then, I was just feeling pissed. Sorry for the long rant, but I just needed to get stuff off my chest.

Oh, I'd just like to add that I am thankful for the people that I have in my life who love me as I am, warts and all. My family, my friends, my Sayang... I'm lucky to have you all to make up for the stupidity in this world.

Love, Lin~

I decided to revive this blog after a very long absence...

The last entry I posted up here was in 2004, methinks. I was thinking, since I have so much time on my hands nowadays, and the wireless connection here at my place causes my main blog site, Xanga, to load excruciatingly slow; I best get this one up and going again so to post my entries faster. After that I'll just post them again on Xanga when the connection's ok. Plus, I get to connect to others easily here since many bloggers I know use Blogspot. So yeah, here I am.

Do be patient with me while I painstakingly re-post all my entries from Xanga to here. I've had Xanga since 2003, so, that's quite a few to copy+paste. But I guess it'll be easier to have a secondary blog that can connect easily to others as well as get more traffic, so... I'll try my best to juggle between the two.

Well, ta.

<Sup3rnal Thoughts: Xanga>
<Sup3rnal Thoughts: Blogspot>

Love, Linzy~

Late last night, or should I say this morning, since it was already about 5am; I was bitten by this tiny black bug with wings. Oh wait, let me correct that statement: I was bitten twice by this tiny black bug with wings. The first bite was on my right forearm, cos the bug apparently got stuck underneath it. The second came from nowhere, and the next thing I knew there was a burning, stinging sensation on my left elbow.

Damn, I thought to myself.

From young, I have been absolutely allergic to certain bug bites. Especially bugs that carry a sting. The allergic reaction, at its mildest would cause a swelling around the area of the bite. While at its worst, my entire body would be covered by huge bumps that would keep on swelling. In the worst case scenario, I could suffocate and die due to the swelling as it would cause my throat to be constricted from breathing in air.

For some reason I didn't have any allergy (antihestamine) pills handy like I usually would, so I decided to wait an hour and see what reaction I would have to it. If it got bad, I'd wake my parents up. If not, well, nevermind then. Within the hour, it didn't spread to my entire body, and all I felt was a mild prickly sensation on my skin. The bites just swelled up likke crazy and stayed that way, and didn't affect me in whole. The next thing I knew, I was asleep and woke up about 9.30am.

I checked my body, and there was nothing amiss. The swellings were still there, red and angry, and so swollen it looked like it was some flesh separate from my body and glued on to me (ok, eew, I know). But then, the prickly sensation has gotten worse. The palms of my hands felt like they were on fire, and my skin felt stingingly painful in places. I had a quick shower and got my mom to bring me to the clinic. My body was hurting so bad.

I was considered an emergency, so I bypassed everyone else in the clinic and got into the doctor's office. His name was Sam and he looked like he was 19. I was tempted to ask where his father was and why his father would let him take over today. The fact that he wore jeans and a very casual orange t-shirt make me feel even more doubtful. But he was good, he knew what he was talking about and dealt with everything swiftly.

He told me he had to give me an allergy jab, and so he began to administer it. I braced myself for the gorram huge measurement of dosage (the pressure of the syringe pumping in the dose into my veins was frickin painful). It took my mind off the pain of the allergy cos damn, the jab was so damn painful. My entire arm went numb and lost all sensation. They felt heavy and lifelessand all I could do was drag them along with me.

When I got home at about 12pm, I got upstairs and into bed, tried calling Ash a few times but fell dead asleep in the process. The next thing I knew I got a phone call from Ash just before 1pm asking what it was. I told him what happened and then just collapsed again til 4pm when Ash messaged me and my sister waking me up to eat some food.

I'm much better now, although the swelling on my arms has yet to go down. My arms are still somewhat numb but not painful. I have to take about 7 pills in one go everyday for 5 days, so I think I should be ok. Argh, I hate bugs.

Oh, by the way, I caught the stupid bug that bit me and out it in plastic bag and squished it do death. So there.

Love, Linzy~

A realization I just had:

I am up keeping myself busy with things I'd only have thought would be something I'd be doing at 16. Or maybe even younger. I've been up all night, and sleep has yet to come to subtly remind me of its looming presence upon my eyelids. There are things that need making, and words that need writing...I'm not going to be sleeping any hour soon.

And I realize that, it's been long since I've been up doing something other than being on the computer. Of course, excuse this entry for I just felt this sudden need to write it. The presence of the computer, or even more, the laptop; has long proven to be a damning necessity, whereby despite it having made things all the better; it has also consumed too much of my time glued to the screen while also rendering me weak by being too reliant on it. And yet tonight, I am detached from it as I arm myself with various stationery; which is a rare sight.

It is not the laptop that is the focus. Not at all. The point is, 'love makes you do the wacky', as Buffy said. Here I am, a 23 year old young woman acting like a lovestruck 16 year old. And it's not a bad thing that I'm mentioning this. It's just that I don't remember ever being this way.

I've never really experienced that feeling of being so in love, that puppy love kinda love that people talk about having when they were still so young and still oblivious to what lies ahead. Been in love at 16, yes, I have. But never have had the chance to live it. I never experienced the anticipation of going to school to see him, walking home together, having recess together, sharing innocent first kisses, talking on the phone for hours on end... I never had that. We never had that chance since we were in a long distance relationship. Nope, I never knew what people were going on about when they discussed highschool sweethearts.

And then, here I am now. I am unexpectedly and blissfully in love at 23 with Ash, and suddenly feeling all the rush of emotions that were absent all those years back when others would have felt it first. And while it's been some years since I was 16 and I'd be joking if I said I had that same kind of innocence; there is still that thrill of youth that comes over me, still that giddiness of a 16 year old girl about to see her boyfriend.

It's crazy and overwhelming and surprising and all kinds of wonderful. And I'm ever thankful for that. Thankful that even after so many years have go by, and getting hurt along the way, I can still love like I've never been hurt. And I love it, this being in love. And I have you, my Sayang, to thank. Baby, I love you with all my heart.

Love, Linzy~

The dream, or possibly dreams I had last night was pretty interesting, if not weird. I say 'dreams' because we have several dreams in a night whether we realize it or not, and often they bleed into one another, therefore giving the impression that they are one.

So anyway, there's this dream I had the night before; an odd combination it was indeed.
I cannot remember them in chronoligal order, of course. Even if I did, it is not like it would make any better sense than if it wasn't. But anyhow..

I think it started somewhere about Ash and me out together. There were two other people who were with us, I'm not sure who but I am quite positive it was Fidzy and Shu. For some reason, we were breaking and entering into places unknown and forbidden... I don't know where but we were climbing over gates and were sneaking past to some restricted areas. I have no idea why.

Then we jump to another scene. There's just me and another person now, though I am not sure who. The main focus here is me, because I am in this wide valley with no cover except for the tall grass. And I needed cover cos I was apparently being chased by a T-rex. Crouching low and running fast was what brought me to the next scene.

Some part of this dream echoes my craving for Nelson's Pick'n'Mix frozen yoghurt which I haven't had in the longest time. Maybe I'm craving it so much it made an appearance... or well, non-appearance. Ash and I were in a mall, when I told him I was craving for that frozen yoghurt (like I was telling him the other day at Amcorp). Miraculously, we found a Nelson's stall, and I ordered my yoghurt. I turned around for a second or so, and when I got back to the lady at the counter and repeated my request, she told me they were fresh out. So instead, I asked for the ice-cream... And so she started making it, and when I wanted to take it, a dude claimed it was his. Turns out, he even took the yoghurt I wanted earlier. At this point, Ash punched the dude and yelled at him.

And the next thing I know, I'm a third person observer watching a spiderman-ish game except it's a monkey crawling around. This monkey just went around and around, then I find out that it was looking for it's owner, a dude wearing a funny yellow fedora-ish hat.

And that's when the dreams end. Weird? Yeah, I would think so. Pretty weird combination, too. But the theme, where I'm running from/chasing something as well as fighting is still prevalent. A reoccuring theme in all my dreams... I wonder what it means? Anyone here a dream reader?

Love, Linzy~

I am now an unemployed bum, as I have been advertising everywhere. I'm done with Uni, and now only waiting for my final results to see what kinda student I make. What kinda student I've been all this time. Results will probably take almost 3 weeks or so... So I have a long time til then. And the next semester (which *hopefully* I will not be a part of) is about 5 weeks from now. So yeah, long time.

In this time, I'll be left to my thoughts to ponder upon what I've acheived all this while. I have to think about what I want to do next. What I want from this life. And the best way to reorganize my life to this new beat I am stepping to, is to make a list of things that needs doing. Mind you, it's not a list of huge things to accomplish. It's a just a basic list of things I gotta do and catch up with while I have time on my hands. Just a little here and there to improve myself and keep me occupied, lest I feel lazy and useless in this time of unemployment.

1. Practice and perfect my driving. I've yet to gain confidence in driving :p
   
2. Perfect my cooking.
   
3. Write up and perfect my resume.
   
4. Think of lecturers I can get recommendations from.
   
5. Go get myself a bunch of passport sized photos.
   
6. Rummage through my huge wardrobe and sell whatever I don't need on eBay.
   
7. Compile and rearrange my notes to give away, keep or discard.
   
8. Clean up my room and the rest of the house.
   
9. Write more in this blog.
   
10. Eat more veggies and fruits and fix the horrific diet I've been on when on campus.
    
11. Write 'thank you' cards to my lecturers.
    
12. Write down the poetry that's been swimming about in my head.
    
13. Download movies online, now that I have the time.
    

Ok, that's all I can think of for now... I was pretty sure I had more on my list. But I can't seem to recall them at this time. Ah well, I shall add more when I remember. Til then, then.

Love, Linzy~

There is no thunder
Without the preliminary
Lightning
The flash of sudden
Illumination
So brightening
When all is dark
It's an effulgence
Blinding.

Here are some words that came from nowhere or for any reason in particular. Just a crazy random happenstance of words exploding from brain. My inner monologue is a perpetual litany of words, and today they just seem to mesh into rhymes; so this is the result.

Love, Linzy~

I remember late into many nights in a pair of years gone, questions passed between us like the little messages we exchange in class. It begins at a rate slow, wondering over what ifs and maybes. And then we delve deeper, principles questioned, beliefs laid out bare, and we scour the hidden recesses of what we keep deep.

Many a night, we played this out. Our two trading questions in the night, answers never wavering, as though we were testing the waters through our words. Always expecting the unblemished surface to smoothen with time. While we go exploring new depths without being submerged.

Then time passes on. And we find that there are so many things that come and go with the tide. I'd tell you, eyes wide, surprised at my own audacity, how there are things that can never be denied. With all sense that keeps on leaving, my answers change; oh, the fickle tide.

And yet, it is long til we find ourselves in this place and time, when the still depths would go rippled, when the air would be disturbed by our heaving breaths and rapidly beating hearts as we jump off this ramp, and say goodbye to the leaving ship. It takes too long, but then, so quick a time.

At some point, we left this path. On the same road we travel, but with different strides, different minds, different walks. But in time, we find the water, one after the other, and take a chance in leaping into the deep end. With passion, we change the stir up the face of the body of water.

You can never step into the same river twice. Yet we make a path through it anyway.
Regardless of the fact we can never retrace our steps. Even if we spilled breadcrumbs, they'd be washed away.

And then we are not the people we were. Out of the water and into the breeze, hair dripping, skin wet, water trailing where our clothes were soaked. We have broken the water's calm, breathed in water to our lungs, and tasted fear as we flailed for a while fearing we'd drown.

Now we walk on. Walk on. We're not the people we were. We left some part of us behind when we reached the banks on the other side. They must've sunken to the bottom, amongst the rocks and the sandy depths.

And we don't mind.

And questions, now? Well, they are rhetorical.

Love, Linzy~

I am, but I won't say it. We'll wait for a few til I can for sure. But I am. I so am. But I'll wait awhile.

I do not regret. I think about it, yes, and dwell sometimes, but regret is too unnecessary, and hence I refrain from it. But I am so. So much so.

I cannot put it into words. There is a word. I know it, but I shall not acknowledge. At least not for a while. Not til the need arises; if it arises. And I hope to God it doesn't.

Perhaps it is premature, these thoughts. Born out of an overworked mind.

But I am so. I am so much. But I'm trying not to be.

~Linzy