Sup3rnality

Or Happy Eid, if you wanna call it that.

Ramadhan is coming to a close and Raya/Eid is just around the corner. Just another day away, in fact. And as usual, my family and I will be making our pilgrimage back to my mother's hometown in Kota Bharu, Kelantan for the holidays.

I'm looking forward to Raya, I really am. Despite all these whines I hear about how it's become commercialized, how it has lost its sense of unity among people, so pretentious and fake bladiblahdiblahblahblah; I look forward to it. It's tiring and time consuming, but I love it.

I don't get to see my relatives in KB very often because my dad has to work, and my siblings' got school and my holidays never mesh. So this one time in a year, I get to go back and see them in all this uplifting Raya mood; a feeling that seems to dull all problems into the background. It is a few days of celebration and happiness. What more can you ask for?

I get to visit my grandma and see how she's doing. I can talk to my aunts and uncles about what I'm doing and what I wanna do and they get to interrogate me about my future plans ie. work and marriage. I get to catch up with my cousins and impart a little knowledge, since I am supposedly the one to look up to. I get to visit a place which is very much a part of myself. And I get more reminders why it's good to be alive.

I guess sometimes we forget about the good things in life; all the little things you've got that makes it worth it. You focus on one thing and you often forget about the others. I am guilty of that sometimes, and I wish to make amends with people and myself and appreciate them more.

So early tomorrow morning, probably after sahur and Subuh prayers, my family and I would make the long trip to Kelantan. On any other day traffic would be perfectly fine and we could get there under 8 hours or so. But as it is every holiday season, getting there would be more than just an Olympian feat. I redefines patience and has the capability of wiping out all the points you accumulated during Ramadhan, due to excessive cursing :p.

But it's worth it once you get there.

So, Selamat Hari Raya to all. Whether or not you celebrate it doesn't really matter. Every day can be celebrated and praised, it's just that this Raya, with the food and family and friends, it's all the more special. And maaf zahir and batin, forgive me for any of my misgivings.

Have a safe trip to those who are travelling. And do pray for my safe journey as well. I'll come back with lotsa pictures, I promise. Take care and jangan main merchun...

Love you all. See you after Raya, insyaAllah.

Love, Lin~

P/s: I miss you, sayang.

They say that during Ramadhan, our dearly departed walk among us.

No one comes to the fore of my mind more than my grandfather. My maternal grandfather. Atuk. Tok Ayah.

Left alone, in the silence when my thoughts wander far and wide, I often think of him. Wondering what would he think of me if he sees me now... Is he proud of me? Disappointed? I'll never know.

I never got to know him well, he died when I was about 5or 6. But I remember the way he slept. The way he talked. I remember his room. I remember his voice sometimes, although for the most part, he was a very quiet man. I remember the plane ride when my mother and I rushed back to Kelantan. I remember my mother crying. I remember how he looked like when he was laying motionless, wrapped in kain kapan. I remember as they carried him out of the house to his resting place.

I was his first grandchild. He awaited my birth with so much anxiety, so I was told. And he loved me so.

My fondest memory of him was when I was about to turn 5. I celebrated my 5th birthday in Kota Bharu, and all I could think of was presents (toys, presumably) and cake, and games and much fun. I couldn't understand the significance of when he took me to his room and presented all his meagre possessions with a sweep of his arm. He asked me what I wanted from his room, that I could have anything I wanted. I remember an alarm clock on his bed, tasbih beads, a yasin and some knick-knacks. I probably thought, why in the world would I want any of these things? What would I do with them? Who is he trying to kid? And I never gave him an answer.

He passed away within the year... And I understand now that he wanted to share a piece of his life with me, something to carry me through when he's not around. A part of him that'll be with me even if he's not. I sometimes think he's still waiting for my answer.

I think of him sometimes. A memory flickering in my mind. And during these days of Ramadhan, I sometimes wonder if he is watching me. What does he think of me?

I never got to know you well, Atuk (I'm the only one who calls him that. Every other grandchild of his calls him Tok Ayah). Never had the chance to really understand you, talk to you, walk with you... I wish I had the time. It's been many years since the last time I saw you... But I think of you often. And I miss you.

I ask you, what do you think of me? Your answer is all silence, for I need not know the answer, I know myself to know the person I am. Perhaps it is my answser you are waiting for...

The end of Ramadhan draws near. So does the time for you to return. I pray you'll only be welcomed again into the soothing arms of rest, not torment. InsyaAllah I'll visit you and offer you what is worth of my doa.

I love you.

Love, Hazlin~

Fidzy's entry with an excerpt from Hanson's 'Wish that I was There' took me back to 9 years before.

But first of all, my God, it's been that long ago...? Wow.

Nine years before. I was 13 going on 14. In Form Two; 2 Yakin, to be exact. President of the Photography Club. Just began working for my school's Koperasi. I was my class' Treasurer. Slightly awkward, but finally settling into my skin. Had shoulder length hair. I've yet to start plucking my eyebrows, but loved make-up. Had an obsession with 5ive. Wrote poetry very often. The worst problem I had at the time was a jerk of a guy whom I had a crush on who treated me like crap (I wonder now why in the world I was attracted to him?). And for some reason was called for counselling ocassionally. That was me at 13++.

I remember Kemahiran Hidup (Home Economics) class. It was taught by Puan Mariah, methinks, and she was just scary. I hated going to the bengkel (workshop) for her class where she will just nag nonstop. But then there was one time when our class (just us girls) were sitting in front of the classroom door but the teacher didn't show up. It was still early in the school year and I haven't really gotten to know alot of people. So I struck up a conversation with the girl sitting on the floor opposite of me. I just knew her as the artsy person in class who listened to Elvis and the Beatles, but never really talked to her. Her name was Fairuz.

Or Ayus, as I would later call her.

I don't remember what was the content of our conversation that day, but the next thing I know was that we were both raving about Hanson. Honestly, I never met a person who likes Hanson so it was rather a surprise (my interest in them have waned, but I still genuinely think they're good). We started singing all the songs (most people would only know Mmmbop or the other singles) and were really having fun, finding some kinda kindred spirit in each other. And that's what sealed it.

That conversation led to phone calls to exchanging of posters and borrowing of magazines to singing sessions to sleepovers to camping to hanging out to YEAH to the talent competition to the Radio DJ competition to talking about boyfriends and then SPM, and then graduating from school to slacking off playing You Don't Know Jack on the PS all day to talking about campus life to hours long conversations late into the night about anything and everything to graduation and work to being in a magazine and on TV together to dissecting life and the way it works and bitching about the idea of marriage people keep throwing at us to talking about cats to mourning and indulging on pizza and chocolate and ice cream to talking about the good old days...And there are the smiles and the jokes and the crying and the fights and the miscommunication and the arguments and misunderstanding and the making up and all. We've been through so much.

But I remember most from our history is our singing sessions. We would gather at my place and we'd sing and try to harmonize with one another. It was always either Hanson or Robbie Williams and ocassionally Edwin McCain or Michelle Branch. Our staple songs were Hanson's Weird, Song to Sing, Wish that I was There, If Only, With You in Your Dreams, Save Me and many more... Ayus loves Wish that I was There cos Zac sang it, and we sang that song alot. I loved harmonizing this part, and I still sing it every now and then:

And you make me feel,
Won't you take me when you're not here.
It's been raining here,
and I just want you to be near.

I think I recorded most of them on some tapes, I'll have to look for them and give them a listen and then laugh. I don't know whether I still remember the lyrics to most of the songs... I think if I were to sing it they'd come naturally. I miss those times. Such innocent and much simpler times.

And then there was that time we decided to put all our singing to the test. We, just for the heck of it, joined the Talent Competition our school had, and we entered the group singing category.
We sang 'Song to Sing'. My part was always:

And all that I've found in reason
Is reason just to not believe
And all that you are left (with) is treason
It's treason just to let it be.

I guess we weren't so bad, cos we got third place. We harmonized a capella and was pretty shaky for a while, but I think it was something anyway. Just a little something to tell my kids in the future :) Oh, and we continued to sing another two times...Save Me and With You In Your Dreams.

I missed that time when Hanson came to Malaysia, but Ayus went. I wasn't really sorry that I missed the show, just sorry that I missed sharing something that united us, and something she was so looking forward to and for me to go with her.

Hanson and Ayus; they'll always be inseparable. They'll always be synonymous. And the reason that I know her. They're a big part of my history. And that's a song that I sing.

Love, Ayin~

I've been saying for a few months now about how much I need a haircut.

Some weeks ago I resorted to snipping about an inch of my locks by my own self. I covered my floor with some old newspaper, switched on the main light as well as the table lamp for extra lighting, stood in front of the mirror with semi-wet hair with scissors in hand and proceeded to give meself a haircut. It didn't turn out so bad, if I say so myself, but it still left much to be desired: even layers, for one.

But then, like I said, that was some weeks back. And my hair, once trimmed down, grows out quite rapidly. In a short span of time, my hair got long again and kept getting tangled with the strap of my handbag. So, I was back to square one again, in dire need of a haircut.

I was at the Giant near my place and there was this hair salon that was having a promotion for haircuts for only 10 bucks. And I thought, what they hey, why not? Besides, my sister needed a haircut, too, and the hairdressers there were all Chinese (I have a problem with Malay hairdressers, I don't trust them giving haircuts). So in I went, and got meself a haircut.

My hair is nothing fancy. I just had about 3 inches cut off, leaving my hair at shoulder length. I didn't bother with layers since my crown has been suffering from massive hair fall; layers would only accentuate my not so thick hair. So basically, it's just a very simple, shoulder length, straight cut. I think its good for now... I haven't gotten a decent haircut since I left Kulim; mainly cos I haven't found a hairdresser I trusted, but I might just be a regular patron at this place I found and cut my hair regularly... Ah well, it's good for now.

Love, Linzy~

It's only been hours since I left campus. Perhaps about 10 hours or so, including all that lugging of luggage and taking the LRT and the Komuter. It's not been that long at all...and yet, it feels like it's taken days and days. I'm now back here in Seremban, and while it's always wonderful to be back in the arms of my family, I'm missing Ash terribly.

I guess since we haven't had much time to spend together this week makes it all the more worse. I've been under the weather with flu and a slight fever, leaving me quite immobile. And Ash, having just taken off his cast on Monday, has been playing football three nights in a row causing him to not be able to wake up for class. Hence the lack of time spent together.

Now I'm not gonna be able to see him for about 9 days... *sigh* As happy as I am to be going back to Kelantan to see my family and celebrate Raya/Eid with them, I'm also feeling so hollow knowing it'll be many days til I get to see my sayang again. But I'll persevere. After all, this will be nothing compared to the semester holidays that will be coming soon. I don't know how I'll survive that.

Anyway, sayang, do take care. Drive home carefully. Have a good Raya. Come back to me safe. I love you.

Love, Linzy~

I was up late last night. I couldn't really sleep thanks to my getting a flu and slight fever. Was talking to Aaina a little bit cos she just came back then, and while I was doing so, thought to myself to check my e-mail my phone as I would sometimes do.

Of course, my e-mail inbox was in its usual clutter of various notifications from Facebook and the ocassional e-mail from Kak Mei regarding classes and the like. Also thrown into my inbox would be the various invoices from eBay for the clothes I've been buying online. Nothing unusual. And then I picked out a notification for a message I received on Facebook. I quickly clicked on it to see what it was about.

What I didn't expect at all was to receive this message:

I was so happy that I was very close to tears. I was OMG-ing so many times and told Aaina the news. We were both speechless for quite some minutes. And I was jumping happily. My God, this is such good news. I'm gonna be Aunty Linzy!

Anis & Matt, am so happy for you guys. I know how much you've been wanting to have mini versions of yourselves. Congrats to you both!

Love, LinZy~

I am in a state of panic. I totally am. I cannot even begin to explain my panic-ness.

My Entrepreneurship Skills 2 final presentation is tomorrow morning, or rather, later in the morning, say, another 9 hours time. And me, as the compiler and somewhat of the group leader is in charge of compiling everything. Now that I have all the parts e-mailed to me by my groupmates, I realize that there are some parts missing due to either one of these 2 reasons:
a) The e-mailing system is screwed and both the sender and the recipient are unable to get the document across.b) Someone forgot that they are in charge of something and therefore didn't do that part.

I'm not upset with my groupmates cos they've done a great job even if they forgot that particular section. It's just that I worry that we won't get to finish in time.... But I have a glimmer of hope. One of my groupmates, Izwan, the only one who replied to my frantic smses is now working as the voice of reason and telling me that tomorrow we can probably work out that missing section of the business plan cos he thinks it's doable and then he'll run out and get it printed.

Knowing that, I think I'm feeling much relieved. At the very least, this time around my groupmates are willing to do their part and are also willing to go through it as a group through thick and thin. Unlike my past groupmates who dumped it all on me cos they had assignments and exams....Like, hello?! You think I don't?

So now, as instructed by my groupmate, I should just finish up my part and my individual assignment, and leave the missing parts be for now. Tomorrow as a group, we'd finish it up together and patch it all up nicely and get it printed. It might be a last minute thing, but at least we'll get it done together. And I'm bloody relieved. Should this have been the group I was with before, today or tomorrow they'd still know and do squat.

So I think I can rest now...Well, not rest but retire to my own work and then have a good rest. Therefore, goodnight for now. We'll see how this fares in the morning.

Love, Linzy~

P/S: I love you, sayang. Thanks for talking to me for a bit while I was going crazy. Thanks for your reassurance, saying you know how I always work it out in the end. What would I do without you? A reprieve is definitely in order when all this is done :)

"I shoulda just stayed in bed"

I threw the comment over my shoulder to Scott as I left the classroom, almost in a huff. I should have just trusted my instincts that there was no class today. But with the thought that I have used up my skip-class quota nagging at the back of my mind, preventing me from fully sleeping, I got my lazy-ass out of bed and dragged myself to class.

Of course, only to discover that there was none.

I'm not pissed. Just a little miffed. Another hour of sleep would have done me wonders. I've been a little lack of sleep, or, sleeping at the wrong hours that I would have just loved a little lie in this morning... It wasn't meant to be, I suppose.

I was somewhat informed of this possible non-class scenario. But my source herself was not of the sureness, so I didn't wanna take the chance. So I made the distance from my bed, to the shower stalls, back to my room and to the classroom... Only to be greeted by Scott's grin whilst shaking his head in silent indication that there was no class. Argh.

I shoulda just stayed in bed.

Love, Linzy~

I am at times assaulted with awe at the audacity in these sudden bouts of concupiscence. How in the haze, judgment and concern just keeps on leaving. And all there is left is the blinding light that pulls me to a corner to find refuge in the shade. And I follow. I wonder sometimes if I am losing my mind?

I'm out of my mind.

Nothing new to you by now. I'm too far gone. In too deep. My mind has been left vacant many a time, so much so that I am comfortable with its absence, welcomes it even. And it's not always you, but it is also me, striking a chord to a point, til nothing's left.

I'm out of mind.

Cos I can't even spin riddles anymore. My mind can't think that far anymore...other than to that space of time.

Love you.

Love, Linzy~

Thursday, 11th September 2008

You know what made me turn to look in your direction? It was the sudden whiff of the scent that you usually put on that made me puzzledly look around. It couldn't be anybody but you.

So I saw you there, sitting at the other side of the pillar of the busstop I was waiting at. Nonchalantly you were looking at a distance, pretending you were there merely by coincidence and no way in design. You bloody cheeky devil.

You led me on to believe that I would be going alone. When I called you in the morning and told you about my plans for the day, you said you weren't very sure if you would be going with me. I told you it's alright since I was only gonna be picking up my comic at KLCC and then I'd be off if I had nothing else to engage myself in. And so I went about my day. Had classes in the morning and retired back to my room for a few hours for some blessed shuteye. I left the room for the library for a short discussion with my Entrepreneurship groupmates, while at the same time being already prepared to leave for KLCC right after...

You called me around 4pm just as my meeting was about to end and asked what I was doing, whether I was gonna go through with my plans. I told you 'yes' as you responded with lethargy, the voice of someone having just woken up. You said to take care and I said I'd call you before I leave.

And so I did.

I was about to leave the library when I called you. You said it's best that I waited at the bustop where you would usually be cos that was the closest one to the library. I was walking while I was talking to you, but then I realized that I left my notebook behind and ran back for a bit. Then again I made my way to the bustop. I shoulda known.

I almost didn't wanna go. It was almost 5pm and I had a slight tummy ache, but I was already ready, so I might as well. I can't believe I didn't see you when I was sitting down on the bench. I was looking around fervently feeling very alone and rather nervous. I couldn't imagine that I didn't catch a glimpse of you coming towards the bustop or sitting down there in the first place.

Then there was there was your cologne, and my turning around, and my seeing you. Bloody hell.

There were mixed feelings of wanting to smack you and wanting to throw my arms around you.

Suprised me you did.

Part of me was blown away by the fact that you were actually there. Part of me was saying that I should have known...especially when I called you after I left the library, it was noisy in the background where you were, impossible it was to be your room. I asked you where you were and you shrugged off the question... I should have known.

It was a nice time spent with you. Just going to KLCC and then walking to Ampang Park to break fast at Cozy House... It was just really a cosy evening.

Thanks, sayang, for the surprise you gave me. It really made my day. I love you soo damn much.

Love, Linzy~

"Oh, by the way, he's still single."

Stop. Backtrack. My internal monologue that usually moves full-throttle, full speed ahead suddenly faulted and crashed with a pregnant "Huh?!".

My next reaction was: "Surprisingly" tossed back at the friend several seconds too late, said with a laugh when what I really wanted to say was: "What the bloody heck is that supposed to mean?".

I mean, really. What was that supposed to mean? You're walking along the hallways, and you suddenly bump into a mutual friend you share with a person whom you used to date. That's all fine and dandy especially seeing how your former flame is still a good friend of yours and the person in common is a nice person whom you've occassionally engaged in a conversation with. But, discount all that, what was that last statement, added almost as an afterthought as the friend walked away in the opposite direction, meant to convey?

Sure, my former is back. But unlike the usual tradition, he doesn't throw in his customary "Hey, I'm back. Lets catch up over cakes at Secret Recipe" once he touches ground here in Malaysia. My feeling is perhaps he is respecting the fact that I'm not single anymore. And I'm grateful for that because I've reconciled with the fact that we're through and that friendship is all there is between us. I am deeply in love with Ash, and am in no way considering any alternatives.

But what is this that people keep insinuating?

Sure, we still hung out after we broke up, mostly paying homage to the fact that we've been lifelong friends, and we've been there for each other throught alot, whether or not we were dating at the time. Sure, in that time there was that glimmer of hope that maybe we'd pick up where we left off, but I banished all thoughts when I found myself falling for the person I wear my Claddagh the way I wear it for. But others, well, they're either not up-to-date of the changing times or just refuse to acknowledge that.

Newsflash!
I am taken. No doubt about it, no questions asked. If you have any problems, please dial 1-800-GETOVRIT.

By the way, you're still one of my best friends, Idzaid; and I've nothing against you. But, I'm just a little tired of this people-wanting-us-to-get-back-together thing. It's a little too late for that now...and other people should realize that, too.

Love, Linzy~

Lately, I've found myself caught in quiet contemplation with a pen in my hand (held in what people say is a weird angle) and a notebook in front of me. I'd be lost in thoughts, attempting to pluck something out of the din of my mind to commit it to writing. And you'd ask me what I was thinking, but I wouldn't know what to say.

Suddenly I'd be seized by some invisible bout of inspiration and would start doodling and writing in my notebook. Sometimes a smile would play at the edge of my lips while I scribble, unconciously grinning to no one in particular but to the thoughts in my head. Something that only I can watch playing in my mind, and not the weirded out observer. You'd wonder what's playing in my thoughts.

Across the table you'd ask what I was writing. I'd be half lost in thought, half still grinning at the thought, and mostly not knowing how to explain it. Although it's not difficult to, there'd be no reason behind it; and my writing what I write would seem to a person as possibly a) a waste of time, or b) a depressed person, among many more. But the reason is just this, it's a nice way to reflect on what brings joy to my life. It gives me a reason to count my blessings, be thankful, appreciate my life and think back on what I've been graced with. And everytime I write something down, it is a testament to myself why life is worth living.

I've lately been listing people, things, places etc. that I love and make me happy. Alongside most of my little entries are little doodles to illustrate my points. I've been having fun writing them down, a smile alighting my face whenever I think of something more to add to my ever growing list...and the list is getting longer.

It's fantastic, knowing that I have so much to live for. Thick and thin, there are still so many little things that can bring me to smiles. They're my life's little pleasures, and I am ever grateful... I am truly blessed. Oh, and in case you don't know, the best things in life are free :)

Here's some random things out of my notebook:

• the smell of rain
• walking along the beach
• warm blankets
• lie-ins
• research (I am a nerd, I know)
• relaxing showers
• honey+milk
• window shopping
• riding in the car with the window down
• watching the sunrise/sunset

Well, that's just a glimpse into what I've been jotting down. I've lots more, and now I'm starting to categorize them. You should see the list under the heading of 'Food'...hehe. But of course, my list would never be complete without the most prioritized entries which are Ash, family, friends, faith and not to forget the maestro, Whedon.

So, I'm loving life. And what's life without love?

Love, Linzy~

It's been five months, now. It's hard to believe that something I am feeling so strongly about is a result from a unexpected incident early one daybreak. Just a sudden impulse on both our parts have brought us to this point in life. You'd think it would come from something more concrete than that. But it didn't. And yet it's strong anyhow. It's unbelievably wonderful.

It's been five months. And we've reached a point where we don't particularly look at months no more. Not that it's not important; but it seems trivial when we are looking forward to years.

Counting months, after a while, to me seems as though I am counting down. Or perhaps, like I am impatient for something. Not sure what it is I feel, but I just don't want to be so particular about the months anymore. I just want to think in terms of years, or decades or forever.

It's been five months. And a lot of things have happened since. My life has changed drastically. And I love you more each day. How can I ever ask for more?

Love, Linzy~

I was coming out of the bathroom one morning after a shower to go to class, and something caught my eye. There was this glint that caught my eye and made me make a double take to see what exactly in a bathroom could cause such a shiny glint like a diamond catching the sun. And so I took a few steps back, and saw that it was from this funky, bright orange looking thing plastered on the wall ( I said plastered because it looked like it was practically sticking onto the wall).

It looked like a wet piece of tangled up orange string stuck on the wall... Like the string or whatever you call it from a terry cloth towel all bunched up and stuck. But as it turns out, it was a very bright orange spider with freaky, wavy legs. And before you say, "Maybe it was just a piece of Orange String"; I say, "I'm sure as hell orange string don't creep and crawl across walls".

The glint that I saw earlier was from its eyes, and that was pretty cool. I mena, the eyes were just so shiny. There was no natural light to reflect on it, only a very dim fluorescent bulb up high illumination the bathroom... Not enough, in my opinion, to cause the eyes of that spider to glint the way it did. It was a pretty awesome sight.

I wanted to touch it but since I've never seen such a spider before, thought better of it. Was gonna take a picture, but at the rate it was scuttling, I won't get back from my room in time to take a picture... Maybe I'll look it up and see what species it is. If I can find it, that is. Since, well, there are thousands of bugs that have yet to be recognized and recorded.

Anyway, I hope I see it again... I so have to take a picture!

Love, Linzy~