Sup3rnality

Well the weekend has been pretty uneventful as very much anticipated. Just the normal hanging-around-the-house routine in this good-for-nothing place called Seremban. The only thing I did for the past few days is cry my eyeballs out watching the Buffy and Angel DVDs I got the other day. Especially the Angel episode “I Will Remember You” which is the one where Buffy comes to L.A and some sad stuff happens. Hmmmmm… that’s all I have been doing I guess. Apart from the typing of my upcoming blog entry which I am doing right now while listening to Amy Lee’s haunting voice... Evanescence’s songs always somehow help me let my thoughts flow onto the substitute-for-paper screen with all their angst-y and suicidal lyrics… As it is I’m listening to “My Tourniquet”. How’s that for suicidal?

Like I said in my entry before, the crisis my family goes through are never-ending. And I always get stuck I the middle; listening to both sides of the story and left to deal with my own emotions. Sometimes I wonder whether they remember that I too have feelings. That I too feel the pain of whatever they’re going through now. I reckon that whatever they’re going through pretty much got worse after the move. I always thought that. I always thought that running away to another state will never solve the problems. My feelings and heartache about the move aside, I always knew that it would only spawn more problems and more crises. But did anyone listen to me? No. Why? Because I’m just a “teenager” who just thinks about her own feelings and don’t consider others. Bullsh*t.

My family has always been the perfect thing in my life. As much as I hate to boast, but yeah, it was true. Well, in my opinion that is. There was a time when I as so proud of my family. My friends love coming to my house cos they felt at home in my house, with my family. But now so many things have changed. I guess nothing lasts forever, huh? Now I practically wake up to a nightmare. A perpetual nightmare, if you will. One that I can’t just wake up from.

Besides the all the things that have been happening, I’ve also found myself drifting away from my mother whom once I was very close to. Who was someone whom I could always depend on to tell about the stuff that has been happening in my life. It happened after the move. But I don’t know really whether it was triggered by the move. Or whether because I found other means to pour my heart into. I dunno; but whatever it is, it has left me bitter and half-crazy. As if I wasn’t enough already.

Now I’m pretty much a whole different person. I swear like no-one’s business. I plot to do crazy things I wouldn’t do on a regular basis or, not do at all. I am corrupted; even worse than I was before. My parents of course do not know about this side of me. I keep it well hidden under my “normal” demeanor at home. And even if my mother (who I deem is psychic) suspects I am different, she does not show that she knows. I have yet to meet my old friends from school. I wonder what they’ll think of me.

Change. I know that it’ll happen eventually. Although I never anticipated for it to be like this. For it to consume me and spit me out of a mould that pretty much doesn’t resemble me at all. I feel like I’m older than my age. Like my soul has been sucked into a vortex and aged a whole lot faster and then returned to my body which is still the same age as when it was left.

“Suddenly I know I’m not sleeping…”

Yes, I’m not sleeping. It’s bloody reality and I would give up a whole lot of things to go back to a slumber where everything is how I want it to be. To go back to dreaming.

Well, talking about sleeping and how I wish I do not have to wake up from a beautiful dream; I’ve somewhat been having recurring dreams. I say “somewhat” recurring because the settings and circumstances are different but it features the same thing. I’ve been having dreams where coincidentally I’d meet with my ex-boyfriend and things that have been happening between the two of us would be cleared and we would go back to how we were. Go back to a time when the world could crumble outside my window and still I could feel comforted. So many times I had prayed and wished that, but the only place where that happens are in dreams. Only in dreams. The latest dream I had about that is so fresh in my mind that the very thought of it makes me want to weep. I’ve never been so hung up over a guy and these dreams that have been happening have left me dumbfounded and even more confused. Left me to grieve again.

And only after I have wrote that entire paragraph about him do I remember that I had actually given him the address to this particular page. To this blog of mine. But I’m not going to take back my words. That much is true, what I have said. What I say here are for my own personal comfort, for my solace. I do not cope well with judgment, so just accept what I said. These are my words, they are my choice. Take me as I am, or don’t at all.
So, well, that’s a pretty long entry I’d say. For now, I’d leave you to savour that. And until next time, thank you so much f putting up with me again, and I love you guys loads. Whoever you are. Wherever you are.

-LinZy-