Sup3rnality

I've been trying to figure out life lately... Well, fine, not lately. I try to figure out life all the time. I try to make it into something I could understand and accept. I try to make it form words. Finding words so I could turn life into something you can read again and again so that I can find the hidden meanings in between the lines.

But then, how exactly does a person put life into words? It's like putting a 100000-piece jigsaw puzzle together, especially if it's the scenery kind. The cerulean blue of the sky is practically the same on every other piece, and one can't really tell which green blade of grass actually goes where. And worse of all, when you think you've got the right piece, you would only find out that it doesn't fit. It pretty much applies to how difficult it is to simply compose life into a mere essay. Words just don't seem to do justice to it.

Hmm, I'm comparing life to jigsaw puzzles now. What a lame analogy. Well, yeah, like I was saying, life; I've been pondering it. Not too deep to the extent it hurts my head but enough to actually come to terms with some stuff I've been unable to accept. My alone time at night has pretty much paid off. Besides, don't tell me I've been ruining my eyes sitting in front of this computer day and night for nothing.

I was thinking about just how much I've changed within the time span of a year. I never thought college could make a person feel so much older, so jaded. It makes me feel as though all that time I spent in high school was ages ago in some other lifetime. Now I'm here in this bloody place of suppression and I feel like I aged too fast or something.

I also have come to accept that we can't have everything we want. No matter how much you want it, how much you pine for it, if it was never meant to be yours, it just isn't. Painful, yeah, but there is such a thing as moving on. There is such a thing as healing although the process takes time and it's not exactly easy. All I can say is, well, there's always this space kept well for good memories, for times when I need to reflect and remember...Only the good memories, to Hell with the bad ones.

I thought of how much I need comfort. I'm still stumped (Fizzy, not Stumpy ok?) by this. I know I need it. I know that it is something I am lacking right now. But I don't know how to get it, how it looks like or what it is for that matter. But this I am certain, I will know it when I see it. And until it crosses my path, I am left here to wait in vain without comfort.

I am not saying that I'm not comfortable. Believe me, I have a comfortable house, this stupid room in college is small but it's comfortable enough to sleep and live in temporarily. I'm comfortable with what I'm doing, never mind the fact that it is in a University that is prejudiced; I have a great family and great friends... But inside me I know that I need more than the tangible things. What I need is something intangible. Something inside myself needs to be comforted, needs...gravity. Something to keep me grounded; so that I wouldn't fly too close to the sun like Icarus. Yeah, ok, now I'm comparing myself to the Greek dude who flew too close to the sun. But yeah, I guess that's it, gravity...although I might just come up with another theory next week or in my next entry.

For some reason this song is on my mind, for quite some time in fact. Since last week or so. But I keep forgetting the last verse and it annoys me like mad. So here it is. I finally remembered.

"Absence of Fear"-Jewel Kilcher on Spirit

Inside my skin there is this space
It twists and turnsIt bleeds and aches
Inside my heart there's an empty room
It's waiting for lightning
It's waiting for you

And I am wanting
I am needing you here
Inside the absence of fear

Muscle and sinew
Velvet and stone
This vessel is haunted
It creaks and moans
My bones call to you
In their separate skin
I make myself translucent
To let you in, for

I am wanting
I am needing of you here
Inside the absence of fear

There is this hunger
This restlessness inside of me
And it knows that you're no stranger
You're my gravity

My hands will adore you through all darkness aim
They will lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name

For I am wanting you
And I am needing you here
I need you near
Inside the absence of fear

That's about all I can get off of my chest. I think I may be able to sleep tonight.
Thank you to you people who actually took the time to once again read the goings-ons in my head. I appreciate it loads. Love you all. Peace!

6.45pm, 25th July 2004, (offline) in my room ZC 209B

Sunday; I’m back here again. Back here in this Hellhole I am supposed to call home for as long as I am here. It disgusts me being here. Being subjected to their ridiculous rules, their bias judgment, their disapproving stares… I get sick and tired just by looking at this place. No, it’s more than just feeling tired or disgusted; it’s way beyond that. It’s pure loathing. It makes me feel hatred like I’ve never felt before. God, you have no idea just how tempted I am to just torch this place. But that’s another part of me talking; the part of me that just doesn’t care about being rational; and I for one would love to ignore that that part of me exists.

The reason why I applied for this place; well, apart from the fact that there are no other Universities offering English Literature, was because a part of me wanted to be more Islamic. Well, I guess that sounds pretty weird coming from a person like me with “hole-y clothes” and all but yeah, I wanted to instill something more in myself. Even if I wasn’t ready to fully surrender myself, I wanted to know more. So maybe at least when a time does come, I would know what the right thing to do is and not be misguided.

But imagine my disappointment when I came here and saw what the word Islamic means to them. To them, women whose tudungs or hijabs are not right down to their waist can pretty much go to Hell for all they care. They may not say it to your face, but they have disparagement evidently etched on their faces when they glance critically at me or any other person for that matter. And it makes it worse being an English Lit student.

You see, most people here detest we English Lit (BEN) students for reasons unknown. Apparently because most social problems are committed by us BENs. But whose to say that all of us are like that? Of course the answer is no one but what the Hell do they care? As long as they have someone to put the blame on, they’re pretty much happy. Never mind the fact that a lot of other students from other courses are screwing around (damn it, forgive my language).

The funny thing is, in Akhlaq class, we are taught the apparent Islamic way of life. It IS the Islamic way of life, I’m not questioning it or anything but it is a total irony that our ustazah could actually teach us that Islam does not judge people by their appearance and dressing and status but not practice it herself. You see, what happened was that during a discussion, we happened to object to this group of guys blaming women totally for the rise of social problems. I mean, I understand that some women are just asking for it but not ALL. Most of the current rape cases involve religious men for God’s sake. Raping their daughters and what not. So the question is, if they really are religious, why can’t they control their libido then? And besides, how can you blame the daughters, when most of them are just kids? So that’s what we were arguing about and because of that we were condemned by the Ustazah. Damn it, it was a discussion. We were not satisfied with those guys’ opinion so we argued. Simple as that. But why the heck must we be looked down on? Sarah aka Ms. Fingerprints actually got pulled aside by her asking us to leave her class. Aaina aka The Silent One was asked by her; “Surely your friends are involved in many social problems…?” It’s not right to judge people she says? F*** off.

Coming here to this place I call the Hellish Grounds, did not strengthen whatever faith I had. I think I was stronger before I came here. Not to say I am losing faith totally but to be more precise, I am have found my respect for the so-called perfect muslims waning. These people, the supposed people of God not only judge us but think they are so perfect that no one but them will actually set foot in paradise… Hmmmph, that’s where they are all wrong. They think they would, after all their condemning every people they do not see worthy? Well, we’ll see.

I guess I am just so tired of this masquerade; having to be false just to please them. Having to listen to their criticism, stomach their stares… I try my best to keep my temper in check. I try to keep quiet, hold my opinions in to avoid argument. I’m tired of being yelled at, being treated like inmates or for us girls, like sluts, I just Goddamn hate it. Just because I don’t look like their ideal student doesn’t mean that I am an unworthy student. Heck, I go to class, I do my assignments, I participate in class when I have to or when I have something to say. But then again when I do say something, they slam me down like I am an insignificant little fly.

The problem is, all these people think they are guaranteed a place in Heaven or something like that. And all the other people are going to Hell. And instead of being the good muslim they supposedly are and “show” us the right path, they just glare at you and don’t really give a damn, just as long as they are safe; or so they think. Islamic University… Wow, they are far from that. So very far.

And here I am thinking that college life would be a blast after a so not happy time in high school. Nope, no blast at all. More like an a nuclear meltdown to me. My life here is laden with lies, rebellion, rule breaking, rudeness, hatred and all the other things that never were in me before. I am disappointed in myself beyond words, but most of all, I am disappointed with this place.
I guess all I want right now is to be free of this place. I know I can’t be totally free, so what I want is to be able to take break from it. That’s all I can ask for I guess…

I’ve got another 3 more months till I’m outta here. So, for now all I have to do is be patient… Yeah right… It’s either this place will be burnt down to the ground by yours truly first, or this place will finally take its toll on me and get me into a psychiatric ward. Until either happens, which I hope it will not, I’ll just have to stay here… And go insane.

Oh God, I am such a bum! I hate waking up late in the morning and sleeping too much. It gives my head excruciating headaches, which I can’t stand. And it makes me feel like a useless bum! But due to the fact that there is absolutely nothing to do in this God-forsaken room, I have to resort to either sleeping the day away to pass the time or stare blankly at the computer, hoping that by some untold miracle, a fairy would pop out and make my wishes come true; say, make Spike real perhaps…? No, perhaps not, too dangerous. I might not get to my classes then. Probably get myself an invisibility cloak. And then, apart from sneaking out; I can raise Hell and bully the Hell out of the Cucumbers aka Security Guards or perhaps Mr. Stumpy.

But then again, that’ll never happen, will it? Fairies…just too far fetched. Never mind making Spikey real. Hahaha… If wishes were horses, they’d all die from exertion. I’d make a wish every few minutes that they’d just die… Hmm…if I did have a fairy or some other kind of wish-granting creature, what would I actually wish for?

1.Money!!! I know that sounds so materialistic but who doesn’t want a bit of extra cash to splurge with and not feel guilty for using it up all at once?
2.The ability to turn back time or just go back to reflect and see what I should have done or could have done.
3.Invisibility Cloak! Cucumbers and Mr. Stumpy here I come!!! By the way, to the people who are wondering why I call them Security Guards Cucumbers; well, it’s because they wear these terribly ugly Green uniforms that resemble cucumbers. Hence the name Cucumber™. BY the way, the name was given by Zeph.
4.Hmmm….what else? I would say I want every Buffy merchandise I can find, but I guess the cash would cover that. Oh, I want to travel the world. So, maybe teleportation would be cool. I can go anywhere without passports, or airplane rides.
5.Perhaps I would like to be granted more patience. It may sound like a lame wish, but I just hate my temper. I can be so irritable with people and end up snapping at them without meaning it.
6.Hmmm…Ok, physical stuff. I want better skin. God, I hate my skin. Especially on my arms and shoulders. It’s just so…Ugh! It annoys the Hell out of me.
7.Can I wish for a more relaxed mind? Especially now with my head all in a mess. Right now I would love to be able to close my eyes and not be bothered by disturbing or haunting thoughts.
8.I want a certain kind of comfort. The kind of comfort which can make me feel alright no matter in what condition.
9.Do I daresay that I want the ability to read minds? There was a time when I so wished that so I know what a person really needs so I could make them feel better… Now I don’t know whether I still want that…. Well, then could I say I want peace everywhere? Cos then I wouldn’t have to go through each person to make them feel better.
10.And lastly, well, I don’t have any other ideas really… Hmm…perhaps, right now, I really want FOOD!!!! I am so freaking hungry. It’s 4.50pm and I haven’t eaten since morning. No, it isn’t one of those crazy diets thingies; it’s just that there wasn’t anything to eat at the café and all I can do is wait til dinnertime.

Man, I am starving… But I am so not looking forward to ZC food cos it’s so inedible and damn expensive! The least they could do to make up for the super expensive food is to make it tastier.

And I want to get free, talk to me. I can feel you falling. And I wanted to be all you need but somehow here is gone… I dunno why that popped up in my head. That would be the Goo Goo Dolls’ song Here Is Gone from their album Gutterflower. I so love John Rzeznik. Hmm…I’m still wondering why that song just burst out of me.

Oh, I’m back again. I left for 10 minutes to get me some food. Thank God I was there in time. The food just came out from the kitchen and no one was there just yet. If not, even buying food could be a fight to the death. Surprisingly the food was quite cheap; but then again maybe it’s cos the dude who charged me was the dude wholikes to chat me up which is like- EEEW!! But an advantage at the same time. Surprisingly I actually took a bit of this eggplant thingy… me being a carnivore and all. But it doesn’t tastes so bad so, hey, I’m cool with it. But it just strikes me funny how I actually took that in the first place.

15 minutes later…

Okie dokie, I’m done eating. Now I’m really full… Well, at least I’ve eaten and I don’t have to worry about food. Now I can sit here in the room and laze about… Man, what a boring life. Currently listening to Modern Rock 2 on MP3. Right now I have Here Is Gone blaring in my ears.

Anyways... Well, I've nothing else to say really so I'll stop here. Going out with the BENdits tomorrow as a makeup for not being able to go to Zeph's going away party. So, well, I'll see you next then. Bye everyone. Love you. Take care and have a safe weekend.

For the first time in this semester I'm actually using the MCIIUM CC which is like bloody far from my college but worth the walk really. It's fast and much more efficient but it's just that I'm such a bum and can't even be bothered to walk. Well, also because I have to dress up more appropriately since guys come in here too.

I lost a blog entry 2 pages long and I am so pissed off. I was frantically looking through the computer in my room and couldn't even find a trace of it. I do recall saving it in a diskette and in the com as backup, but it isn’t there. I'm frustrated cos that's one entry which contains all my feelings at the moment. It just so happened that I had a burst of inspiration at that time and managed to write my feelings perfectly. And of all things to happen it disappeared!

Right, I'm here. Isolated from the rest of the world cos I got a com far away from the others. Advantage? I dunno... I feel like someone who has cooties or something. But then again, I'm free from prying eyes. *Sigh* I don’t know. I'm just so bloody pissed that I can't find that entry. I've done everything I can but all was in vain.

You know, I was thinking, and I found out that I'm pretty much a traditional sort of person. Not traditional in a budak kampung way. What I mean is that I am very much a person who values traditional mannerisms, values etc. I know how it sounds coming from me. I know people think it weird. But hell yeah, I like it and I guess I'm not afraid to say it. I know I may seem like city girl or something like that but really, when it all comes down to it, I'm pretty much the traditional girl-next-door, goody-two-shoes sort of person.

Hmmmm...to sort of summarize what I said in the vanished entry of mine; well, I've been feeling somewhat lost. I'm stuck with nowhere to go. It's more like I have so many places that I want to explore but I don't know which road to take exactly I can only make one choice. Well, or something like that. And it makes me feel so tired beyond my own help. I feel exhausted just contemplating it. I wish I could rest and not think.

I sort of figured out what I needed. Something I need for temporary relief while I ponder on what I should do. I thought that it might be comfort. I'm unsure of what form or in what way I want comfort but a friend of mine pointed out that it might be company. The thing is, I have company, lots of them. And they're all nice. So maybe there's something more to that. Maybe what I need is someone whom I can just talk my tension out. But then again, I do have friends who are always there when I need to talk. So I don't now really. I'm feeling confused that my head hurts.

Ugh, I hate it when there's someone reading over my shoulder. Especially when I'm blogging. Makes me feel nervous. Anyways, yeah, I think I'm done here. I'm still angry that I can't find my carefully though out entry I so wanted to post today. Okla, I think I'll end it here. Goodbye peeps.

Contrary to what I thought, the CC is full to the very brim. I thought everybody would be watching that stupid Pontianak movie. If they knew how stupid it is they wouldn't bother watching it. Believe me, it as really stupid. I watched it and wasted my cash. So I should know. And of course, being the stupid CC that it is, about a dozen of the computers is out of order. And of all coms to get, I got the one facing the doorway where everyone is standing waiting for their turn. And yes, they have free reign to read what I have to say here, which I hate. I hate people reading my blog entries I am typing over my shoulder. I start feeling conscious. So, I appreciate it *if* anyone is reading over my shoulder to please stop now. It makes all my ideas run out.

I've been lethargic the whole bloody day. I woke up at 11am feeling like I was about to collapse in a heap at the bottom of my bed. I dunno why. Probably it was due to staying up late watching that movie last night. But then again this is not the first time I slept late. So what was it that made me, no, scratch that, that is still making me feel like this. I feel nauseous and dizzy and constantly sleepy. I came here in hopes to give me a jolt, I guess it didn't work. Cos I'm still tempted to just go up again and crash into bed. I have taken like loads of Panadols and yet I'm still here.

Of all topics for me to write a paper on for my Basic Themes of the Al-Quran subject is Takaful. I mean, others got good topics like Men's Responsiblities and Earth, Knowledge and such. And I am stuck with a topic that is so limited and hard to elaborate on. I'm researching it right now while writing this at the same time. Believe me, it's such a boring topic. I just can't imagine myself writing this paper. Ugh, of all the bad luck.

Oh yeah, the story I was telling you about in the last entry My Life Without Me? Well, I'm telling you, if you wanna watch a deeply moving story, that would be it. The movie was 2 hours and that was the amount of time I cried. And that's saying something. It's just so hard for me to cry. And the last time I did so would be ages ago. And there I was last night, in front of the computer at 3am while everyone was sleeping soundly, watching that movie and crying my heart out with a box of tissues set right in front of me.

The story is about a young mother of two young daughters who just found out that she had 2 months to live. Upon that knowledge she decided to not tell her husband, family or friends. And so she started making a list of things to do before she dies. One of it is to record letters to both her daughters for every birthday until they're 18. Listening to her recording herself just made me crumble. Really, I was forced to cry without control. Hmmm...I woke up with swollen eyes today. Probably a bit much crying don't you think?

Anyways, my head's in a whirl and honestly I can’t think straight. I've been like a zombie today. My parents came over to say Hi today and I looked like I got hit by a truck or something of that sort. Hehe...and Fizzy was there to conspire against me with my mom. Now my mom is so totally gonna tease me about this dude named Alif. And I don't even like or know that dude totally. Well, whatever...

You know what? It's 10pm and I'm hungry. Probably I'll grab a snack before I go back to my room nanti. My tummy's rumbling like totally. And don't worry, I'm not gonna eat Maggi ;-p

So yeah, I think I better go. My back's hurting and I wanna get some food and have a shower. So til then, nite!

I witnessed a massacre. There was a murder right in front of our very eyes and no one flinched. No one even winced in pain. Save for me. I watched King Arthur and I watched a legend die along with it.

Yes, I did go watch King Arthur even though I said in another entry that I wouldn’t think of giving up my $9 to the people who committed murder. Well, it wasn’t my money. It was my Uncle’s. You see, when I was at my Uncle and Aunt’s last weekend, they said they wanted to have a movie marathon: Spidey and Arthur back to back. So I said ok.

Spidey was ok I guess. I always had a thing against Tobey Maguire, so I never got around watching the first but I basically knew what it was about. But yeah, it was all right. And right after that, we caught a midnight Arthur. And that was when tragedy struck.

The second the movie started, I was already criticizing it. I couldn’t help it. Mind you, I didn’t say it out loud. Of course I’m not one of those kind of people who talks loudly in the cinemas and spoil it for everyone else. Like the family who sat behind me during Spidey… Anyways, so, like I said, it was a disaster.

How can they say that they made the movie based on new archaeological findings? Honestly, they never even found proof that the knights of the Round Table existed. It’s all based on myth if not legend. As for me, myth or legend; I don’t care. I’ve always liked the Arthurian legend/myth.

First of all, Lancelot only came into the picture long after Lady Guinevere and Arthur got married. And why the heck did they make him into such a playboy? Nevermind the fact that he did manage to seduce Guinevere, he was reluctant because he was loyal to Arthur but he just can’t himself from falling for Guin. But in the movie, they did show a bit of a chemistry between them but never did elaborate. So for a person with no Arthurian background, it’ll all mean nothing.

How do I know all this you ask? How am I sure? Well, growing up with books and encyclopedias filled with these stories; it shouldn’t be surprising, should it? All my life, I’ve known the story of Arthur and his knights to be that way. And then you watch the movie that was supposed to be the movie among all Arthur movies; it seems like all that reading just went to Hell.

And it bothered me how they made Guinevere the way she was. She was supposed to be Lady Guinevere. Lady Guinevere! Not Xena, Warrior Princess. And Galahad. God, he’s supposed to be the one helluva good-looking guy and gallant to boot. Oh, and he’s mostly known for his chastity. But nope, they never bothered to make his character seem so. And Sir Gawain for God’s sake! He’s supposed to be Arthur’s nephew. And he’s supposed to be the strongest, but they made Lancelot that way. Sure Lancelot was supposed to be strong, but he was more towards fearless. He didn’t have Gawain’s strength.

Also, I hated how the story wasn’t about the search for the Holy Grail as Arthur was famous for. I wished it was that; for I thought that would shed more light on that quest for it. And the explanation about how Arthur got Excalibur is a bit different from what I read but it wasn’t really bad; so thank God. But the final straw was: WHY THE F*** DID THEY KILL OFF LANCELOT!!! He wasn’t supposed to die yet, goddamnit! He was said to die in a battle after the whole affair with Guin and after Arthur found out about. *Sigh* It really was a murder. I was seething through the entire movie. Why couldn’t they just stick to the said story? Sure they have all the special effects and what not. But that doesn’t mean that they can have free reign to tell the story. The movie behind the legend my boot-clad foot! Bodoh! Damn, if it was up to me… First Knight starring Richard Gere, Sean Connery and Julie Ormond (I think that’s her name) was ok enough. But they concentrated too much on Lancelot and Guin’s affair that Arthur was forgotten.

You know, I could go on and on and tell you about the flaw of the story. It was just so disappointing. I wish someone else comes up with a better movie sometime soon. The legend just has to be justified. And the whole Lancelot and Guin affair just has to be more elaborate. And the political marriage between Arthur and Guin just wasn’t explained enough. Poor Lancelot, they made him die. And damn, they made him so not good-looking too.

Yup, I admit it. I’m a real sucker for stories or tales on starcrossed lovers. Buffy and Angel, Guinevere and Lancelot, Romeo and Juliet, Liz and Max… yeah, all that. And watching King Arthur, besides the fact that it was so off the from the real story; I hated how they didn’t really show the chemistry between Lancelot and Guinevere. Stupid! Now I’ll have to wait another lifetime for someone to come up with a better version.

Speaking of Buffy, I went to Section 14 today. And please note that the scholarship is in. And yes people, I did but the Buffy season 5 DVDs that I have been eyeing for so long. Too bad Amcorp doesn’t sell season 2 and 3 anymore. That’s the one I really really really want. Bodo! But at least I have this one. I can’t wait to get back so I can watch them all. I just realized that it’ll take up almost the whole day if I were to watch them back to back. But so what? I’d be happy to do that. So yeah, just you wait. Spikey Wikey here I come!

Hmm...am watching My Life Without Me and I am so crying my heart out. I haven't had a good cry in ages. I started crying the second the movie started. It's just so...sad. Really, if you ever come across this movie in the shops, buy it and watch it. It's one of those life changing kinda movie.

Apart from that really long complaint on how stupid Arthur was, there really isn’t much that I want to talk about. I just finished the Leadership Training program (aka the Brainwashing Program) today and I’m dead tired. So I think I’ll have a snooze first. Till’ another time, bye.

"Snow Cherries From France"-Tori Amos

I knew a boy who would
Not share his bike
Oh but he let me go sailing
I swore that I
Could survive any storm
Oh then he let me go

"Can you launch rockets from here?"
Boy I've done it for years
Right over my head
And when I promised my hand
He promised me back
Snow Cherries from France
All that summer
We traveled the world
Never leaving his own bck garden
Girls I didn't know
Just what it could be
Oh but he let me go sailing

You question me
"Can you ride anything?"
Lord do you mean like your mood swings
Invaders and Traders with
The best intentions
May convince you to go
"They look like pirates from here"
Boy I've been one for years
Just keeping my head
And when I promised my head
You promised me back
Snow Cherries from France

All that summer
We traveled the world
Never leaving his own bck garden
Girls I didn't know
Just what it could be
Oh but he let me go sailing

And then one day he said
"Girl it's been nice,
Oh but I have to go sailing"
With cinnamon lips
That did not match his eyesOh then he let me go

*9.15am, Com Lab E*

My lower back is hurting like Holy Hell and I'm sitting on this low backed chair that so does not support my back. I'm in Lab E for com class and I am so not listening to the lecturer. Ugh, she wants to stop now. Will update later. She's gonna end the class now. Goodbye for now. Later then!

*8.33pm, ZCCC*

Continuation...

I’ve been finding solace in the stillness of the night. It calms yet also invite lots of thoughts. Sometimes I resent having these thoughts I my head; wanting my head to be unburdened by things I can’t change. But then again, it’s actually the perfect time to ponder on complex thing that I couldn’t possibly get myself to comprehend in the hustle and bustle of the daytime.
I’m back to my broody mood again. When I can find something like the grain of wood interesting. I can search for some kind of meaning to my life by just staring at the ceiling. I’m quiet these days because of that. Honestly I don’t know what I’m searching for really. Perhaps I’m looking for a way out of my confused state of mind. Or maybe I’m just thinking of what all this thinking would lead to. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m just hurting myself for trying to be the tragic hero or something of that sort of my life. Hmmph….

Sometimes I think I’m being to hard on myself for something that isn’t my fault. And maybe that is true. It’s easy to put the blame on myself and come up with theories of where I went wrong rather than contemplate the error of other(s). When the blame rests on me I can easily craft an explanation from my point of view.

Maybe I shouldn’t think. Maybe I shouldn’t psychoanalyze every thing, every word. Not everyone is that detail. Maybe I should just go through the motions and pretend that I am living.

Well, enough on me. I’m getting tired of thinking about myself and how I should haul myself out from this dark dungeon…So, Sarah and me decided to pay Mr. Abdel a visit. It’s been quite some time since we got to sit back and engage ourselves in a conversation with our cool lecturers. And so we did. Mr. Abdel has changed office ever since he demoted himself and so now he shares a room with someone else. We found him on the topmost floor where he was entertaining his son Ahmed who was cute. We talked a bit cos we didn’t wanna stay long. But I don’t know, perhaps it was just I; but Mr. Abdel looked very troubled. As though something was troubling his mind. He had the expression of that of a man whose thoughts was a jumble. I don’t know, perhaps it was just me.

We left Mr. Abdel and went a-looking for Madam Adlina. She wasn’t in unfortunately, so we made a beeline towards Miss Adibah’s new office, now that she is the coordinator, which was formerly known as Mr. Abdel’s office. She wasn’t in either, and so we headed towards the directions of our college. It turns out that Miss Adibah was in the college office signing outing cards. She was hungry so we decided to get something to eat. As bloody usual, ZC had nothing but some leftover crap to offer so we thought AC College might have something better to offer. After we got our food and sat down, Miss Adibah told us that she’s been down lately. She says that her roomie practically chased her out of their shared office. Apparently she asked the movers to just move the stuff and leave it outside, as though she was so happy to be at last rid off Miss Adibah. She didn’t give a damn if Miss Adibah’s stuff got stolen or something. As far as she was concerned, she got rid of Miss Adibah. Like what the F? I just don’t understand this kind of people. And to think you spent a whole lot of time together in that one same office. You’d think the 2 of you would achieve some kind of respect for each other. Bloody backstabber. People like that do not deserve friends. Although I do not know why she was so mean to Miss Adibah, I think it may be due to Miss Adibah’s promotion. If it is, I like to think that it’s no wonder she’s still stuck in that office; it’s cos she’s so unprofessional. People like that, I prefer to just ignore and let them stew on their own. They don’t need to get the satisfaction that they are hurting us. But poor Miss Adibah. She was so depressed that she didn’t eat. She’s such a nice person and yet people hurt her. It’s so unfair. And to make things worse, she hasn’t many friends here to talk to. So she’s stuck being sad on her own. According to her she tried looking for us to talk. Poor her. It’s just so sad that people ca be so mean. I hope that woman gets what she deserves for being so mean. What goes around comes around.

Well, this is where I’ll stop then. Too much ranting makes my head go all crazy. So, thank you. I’ll be here all week (but then again, I’m going back tomorrow so maybe next week then). Adios!

The days have passed by with heavy rain pouring without mercy. But me without many classes to attend to actually make me a victim of these showers can only watch others brave the rain and sit in my gloomy room. But then again it provides comfort. Besides the cool breeziness of the falling rain, it has a calming effect that just makes me relaxed.

Right now I’m in my room in front of the computer writing the blog entry you are currently reading. It’s good to have this computer in the room so I don’t have to go through the trouble of having to type an entry in the café while others look on. I hate it when people look over my shoulder to read what I am writing. Never mind the fact that in the end it’ll be put on show for all to read. Here I can write in comfort with my SpongeBob pajama bottoms and a tank top; no need for tudung or uncomfortable, cramped seats. I only wish there was a phone line to make my life so much easier; no need to go to the stupid CC.

I was reading an article about the making of King Arthur and an interview with Keira Knightley and I just felt so angry. I mean, me being such a fan of Arthurian legends and stuff can’t stand to watch the murder of that legend. Have you seen it or caught a glimpse of it? Look at Guinevere! She’s supposed to be Lady Guinevere, with pristine long dresses and braided hair. Instead, they portray her as someone like Xena, Warrior Princess in all her midriff baring glory and pierced navel to boot. WTF? Even Arthur is so out. He’s supposed to be much older; no, not that old like Sean Connery old like in First Knight , but someone older. Ugh, and worse of all is the guy who plays Sir Lancelot. Lancelot is supposed to be the super suave dude who manages to sweep Guinevere off her feet and yada yada yada…. In his place they get some sinister looking guy who is better off a villain than as the noble Lancelot. Sigh… and to think I was actually looking forward to this movie. They have massacred the entire legend. I thought that this would finally be the ultimate Arthurian movie but instead, they have decided to alter the movie to their own liking. Yup, I’m pissed. I think I’ll just get a bloody pirated VCD and watch it on this computer and not waste my money going to the cinema and let them make money out of it. Bloody Hell….

Well, really, besides me ranting on and on about the stupid King Arthur movie, there’s not much more I want to say. So, I’ll just leave you now with a favourite song of mine about Guinevere and Lancelot by Edwin McCain from their album Honour Among Thieves:

“Guinevere” by Edwin McCain on Honour Among Thieves

After all the corridors are darkened
When the royal crown is off your head
To your chambers I will creep
Not a word we will speak
Just love me while the firelight dances round the bed

Well there is danger in this passion
Because the king can never ever know
And on my blood I’ve sworn my allegiance
So I’ll leave you when the sunlight comes and beckons me to go

And the silver shine is tarnished from my armour
And in battle I am paralyzed with fear
And this poison in my soul is the love we’ll never know
And it finds me playing Lancelot to your Guinevere

Well and Guinevere is sly enough to steal a little taste
And her laughter it peals into the night
Oh but forbidden fruit always stays sticky on your face
And without virtue I’m worthless in a fight

Stealing little glances at the table
I feel that this is theatre in the round
But faraway chasing vixens in the meadow
Your love like wind blows right by and sweeps me off the ground
Your love sweeps me off the ground
Well now it sweeps me off the ground

And the silver shine is tarnished from my armour
And in battle I am paralyzed with fear
And this poison in my soul is the love we’ll never know
And it finds me playing Lancelot to your Guinevere.

Yup, I'm back on the Holy/Hellish Grounds. Yes, finally we have a working yet excruciatingly slow computer in the room where I can watch Once More With Feeling over and over again. Though I have to strain my neck so I can listen cos the earphones' wire is bloody short. And yeah, I have nothing better to do.

I have to hand in an essay today about “Creation vs Evolution” and I don't think it's perfect yet. But I bloody malas wanna go and read it and alter it and come back down here to print. So, I, being the lazy am gonna just hand it in anyways and totally leave it to whatever luck I have. Let's hope he thinks it's good.

*Sigh* For some weird reason I just feel so tired lately. I just sit down and feel my strength and energy get sapped slowly from veins. I don't know how. It's just so weird. It's not like I have classes from 8am to 6pm or anything. I only have 4 hours of class per week and yet I am so bloody lethargic.

Ugh...class in an hour and I haven't eaten. I'm bloody hungry. I'm gonna go grab a bite now. I'll say more when I can think of something. Bye.

It's tiring listening to a broken record. At first it seems ok to listen to the song that very much reflects your own feelings... But after a while, all you want to do is smash the record into pieces. I'm pretty much depressed myself. Even more than what people think; but I don't need to be reminded of my melancholy. I don't need o remember that sadness is there at every turn and every corner.

I pretty much like to take life as it comes and try to be positive about everything. I know it's annoying for some people to have a friend who is too perky or always having faith in everything and everyone. It's just how I live; how I make my life more bearable. Sometimes I hold back my pain so I wouldn't burden other people with unnecessary sadness. That's how I handle most of my pain. And I always look for the best things in people. I try to overlook their shortcomings and dismiss it. It doesn't do me good to put people down too much (unless they really deserve it, of course!). It's not who I am. I like to think that everyone has a reason for doing what they do. Just because it clashes with what I believe in, it doesn't mean I have anything against them. It doesn't mean that I am way superior. Although at times I can't help myself but feel like I'm better; knowing that there are some things that they don't know but I do. But I feel guilty for thinking that. Even guiltier if I say it out loud. It's against my own personal principles and belief.

Everyone is good inherently. There is no room in my heart to hold grudges. I practically love everyone I know or even knew. And those I don't know I try to understand and like. Whether they hate me or love me back; it's their business.

I am a girl with an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I feel guilty about being superior nevermind the fact that I know that sometimes that it is just the cold, hard truth. See? I'm sounding superior again. But you know what? I'm not saying that I look for faults in everyone. Heck, instead I look for the goodness in everyone. I have too much faith in everyone that sometimes I get stepped on like a bug.

Back to what I was saying earlier, it's tiring to listen to things over and over again. I try to shut it out and think that it's just something I have to accept it due to the current circumstances. But it just gets tiring until you can't take it anymore. Nevermind that I try to understand the reason behind these tirades, and yes, I do know why. But I've acknowledged it, I've listened to it, I've tried to stand it; but it's just too much to listen to over and over again. All I can say now that it is a pain in the ass and get over it. There are other people worse off.

I really really really do not need to be reminded that I am feeling sad, what I'm confused about. It only makes me sadder. And there's no room in life to be sad all the time. There must be more time to move on. And I for one am tired of being sad and reminded to be sad.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone. This is how I feel and if anyone has a problem with that, well, either just deal with it or go to Hell. I'm tired of being me cos it seems that a lot of people can't accept it. To the person/people that I mean, it's not that I'm condemning your pain, but you know; it doesn't help being bitter and all. Sometimes you just have to shut up and accept it. Especially when there's nothing more that can be done. And again, well, sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh.

Tease me, by holding out your hand
Then leave me, or take me as I am - "Stigmatized" -The Calling