Sup3rnality

Dudes and dudettes.....

This weekend has been the worse of my entire life. I feel like crap. I can't stand it. I can't, I just can't. As I have told many people, my parents have just moved out. Without discussion or anything with me, they just did, expecting me to pack up and do the same.

First of all, I’m studying in UIA, which is in PJ, making it such an inconvenience to go back and forth to Seremban (yes, Seremban. Of all places, they just have to buy a house in God-forsaken Seremban). I hate it there. I hate the atmosphere and the life there. It's practically dead. There's nothing to do, nothing to see.... It doesn't have all the conveniences provided in Shah Alam or any other place in Selangor. When I went to the house for the first time yesterday, I refused to acknowledge it as my house. I didn't even bother to look around. The sight of it itself brought tears that I could not cry.

I dunno dudes.....the move could have been avoided, or postponed at least for another 4 or 5 years. And the fact that it happened so soon just pisses me off. I hate it. I just dunno how to accept this.

Honestly, I dunno what's bugging me more. The fact that I have to move against my will, or the consequences of this move thing. The consequences, well, is a whole different matter. You see, all my life I've been really close to my mom. I consider her my best friends. i can tell her everything, anything. She's my shoulder to cry on, my strength my idol and all that. But ever since the move thing, we could hardly see eye to eye. We fight, although not the yelling kind, but it still brings me so much grief that I have trouble breathing when I think about what's going on between me and my mom. I hate my life now.

All this stuff I'm telling you guys now is totally different from what I originally wanted to say. Really, all these things I'm saying totally doesn’t so what I feel any justice. It's a much more complicated story but I just don't know how the hell I should start to tell it. But this thing that's been happening is making me a zombie. I'm empty; I'm walking through the motions, just playing through the part. I feel depressed, like shit, like running away...

Help me..... I think I'm losing my zest for life. i feel like lying down and forget about life, feel like giving up. I’ve tried to hold up for much too long and finally something have managed to break me. And I can’t take it. I know that this is only temporary, that much I know....but I can’t take the pain about being estranged from my mom. I JUST BLOODY CAN'T! It’s eating up my insides and I wouldn't be surprised it if I just keeled over. I hate this bloody feeling. And I can’t even cry.... I dunno how to. I've forgotten how to cry. I feel like it, but it refuses to come out. And that adds more pain to myself.

I can't find comfort. Whatever I do, whatever I try....nothing comforts me. I’m not saying I don’t have anyone to turn to but....it's just that however I vent it out, I find no solace. No comfort to ease the pain that consumes my brain slowly. Bloody Hell, i hate my life so much.

Dudes and dudettes, I appreciate everything you try to do for me. You guys are always trying to make me feel better and i appreciate your every attempt. You guy are the bestest friends I could ever ask for. Thank you so much for being there for me when I needed to talk.... I love you guys. Pray for me that this'll blow over ok? Love you guys, Lin-zy the Responsible BENdit.