Sup3rnality

I am the type of person who cares alot about what people think of me. I don't let it control me wholly, no, but sometimes enough for people to misinterpret me and come to all sorts of comclusions; which are sometimes in both extremes. No, I don't let people dictate the way I dress or speak or act, but I am concious enough of what people would think of me to dress/act/speak in a moderate manner. But like I said, despite moderation, there are always one theory or another that read me wrong.

It is important to me, the way people see me. I cannot really explain why without going on a long litany of stories and explanations; but what I can say is that it stems from things deeper in my experience and nature. So it is enough for you to know it is important to me because I constantly feel like I need to prove myself, and that I do not want to fall into the cliched stigma of other people my age, and also because of I feel like I need to live up to something. Well, something like that lah... I think no matter how much I try I'd never be able to explain my motivations for the things I do.

It works sometimes, the way I carry myself. I think I've had more than my fair share of compliments regarding my character. And I am happy the way it turns out, how many people would sometimes tell me how they like that I am like this or that and so and so. It's a good feeling, thinking you're doing something right.

The downside however, is many as compared to the up. The first being, sometimes I try too hard to make sure I come off impressively, so much so that people do not see the real person in me. Of course, that would take time either ways, but still, they tend to judge me by what they see, and don't bother to go any further than that. But then, I suppose, that is more or less my fault for putting up that wall... The second is that, in my trying too hard to impress, I build up defences in fear of being letdown in the end. This makes me seem as though I'm a bit of a snob of aloof or sombong. I'm not. I'm not snooty or anything like that but I know I seem so, especially the first time you meet me. I would not be surprised, cos many of my good friends got the wrong idea when they first met me. The most memorable comment would be from Alfred who said "I thought you were a Bitch when I first met you".

On top of that, eventhough I think I dress pretty moderately, some of the elder folk would have that stigma saying I'm a budak bandar (city girl) who lives the city life just judging from the way I would dress myself. In some respects I am, but not the way they are implicating...which is, in their minds, a wild child. I don't see myself as one; and while I am not putting down those who love the nightlife etc., whatever you want to do is your right of way; I just have to say I do not fancy the lifestyle. I'm just not one for it. So when people imply that I do, I find it rather an insult. But some people do anyways, not all, but quite a few. They're quick to analyze the things I wear, having that sneer on their faces and comparing me to their angelic children... All this without even knowing who I am.

And so, I worry constantly about what people would think of me. Even more so now that I am thinking of my future, once I graduate. I am thinking about various interviews that I would have to go to, and wonder how I would come off. To make matters worse, being the worrier I am, it will be something that will be constantly on my mind and worry me incessantly. I worry whatever mistakes that I have done before in front of a person would come back to nip me in the bud someday.

Was talking to a Anis sometime ago, and she was telling me that first impressions don't matter, since they're never accurate. And continued to tell me her first impression of me (which is totally hilarious) and how she was later proved wrong. It goes to show how some people are not always the way they seem the first time you meet them, only when you get to know them will you discover their real character, that is when they've settled into the acquaintance and have gotten comfortable. I agree, since I've many times wrongly judged a person from just what I see. But then again, the worrier in me will never cease to worry. I constantly need to be assured that I do not give the wrong idea towards people....because it is quite a while before I let go of myself. I might seem sometimes quiet/reserved/rude at first, but it's only because I need a few moments to adjust and compose myself. And so, I keep on worrying.

First impressions last a good long while in me; with the impressions of other people because it is
how I remember getting to know them, even if they are proved wrong later. And of myself because I care about that initial response to my character. So for that I have to apologize for any wrong impressions that I may have made to you or to people you know, and sorry if I misjudged you the first time I meet you. I've realized my mistakes and I hope you can as well....Ta.

Love, LinZy~