Sup3rnality

It's only Wednesday and I feel so drained. Like, really. There's so many things to do but I haven't gotten started on any of it. It feels like my body is walking ahead of my mind. Or my mind is ahead of my actions. Whichever one it is, I'm out of sync. There's alot of catching up needed.

I need to find a sort of balance right now. Because it feels like I just can't focus on the tasks at hand. I have a lot of work which needs doing, group discussions and 5 days-a-week classes that hardly afford me some rest time. I just need a little getaway to find my center. Some time to think and organize my thoughts into neat little folders so I can actually function in class; so that I won't have my brain struggling to roll down the Nusaibah Steps while my body is already in class.

I guess this is the disease that eats you up within; the thing I would name "Pre-graduation syndrome".

My mind is not on campus anymore. Don't get me wrong. I love classes. I love discussions. I love assignments. I just basically love the college life. But the anticipation of something new and much bigger; the bigger picture of life, I'd say; is stealing the thunder of my last semester. My mind is constantly wondering what my life would be like leaving the familiarity of my room in Nusaibah, the IRKHS building, the classes, the Square, the HS cafe (I still have that fantasy to fulfill, by the way), the library and the whole thing. Who'd I meet once I'm separated from my Twisties? How often would I see my sayang when he's still on campus and me at home or working or whatever?

All of this is constantly at the back of my mind, drumming a steady but annoying beat. And it wanting to contend with everything else in my head (i.e. classes and work etc) is making my mind a little too jumbled than I like.

I need to find my center.

I need to find Ning Jing.

Again, I ask, can we have a little getaway?

Love, LinZy~

Last night was one of those nights. One of those nights I used to have sometimes when all I could feel was a frustrating helplessness that made me feel weak and alone. Of course, I refer to 'one of those nights' as a rhetoric to myself. It's not like I told anyone of those nights so that anyone can recognize last night as being one of those nights...I'm not making any sense, right?

I'm just saying, it was one of those nights last night. And I didn't know what to do to assuage the feeling that made me feel so alone. The best thing that I could do was to find something to dull the sharp ache in my heart and try to occupy my time so I'd not think about it much. The answer? Laundry. Zuma Deluxe. Spider Solitaire. *sigh* It was just one of those nights.

I don't know what brings me to feel the way I feel sometimes. It happens for no apparent reason, it just happens. And when I'm like this, well, all I need is company. So Ash sayang, if you were wondering why I called many times last night, this was why... It's weird, I know; but it was just one of those nights.

I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling helpless and that nothing I do is right. I hate not being able to rely on myself. I'm so used to controlling my life and being in control, that when I feel vulnerable and unable to overcome my own demons, I get so upset.

But then again, I know that I am blessed with people whom I love and love me back in return.

And when I say all this, it does not mean that I do not feel your love, no matter where you are.

It's just one of those night when serenity is too far in the 'verse to catch up with. It just happens sometimes. It's just one of those nights.

I need to find Ning Jing again.

Love, LinZy~

I just want to getaway.

No, I'm not feeling depressed or angry or anything remotely bad that makes me want to run away from the world. It's just that I have been having so little time to spare for the people I love (Ash, my family and my Twisties and friends I've not seen since forever-that means you, Hamzah, Alfred, Suneetha and the BENdits, too.....but in this entry's context, I mean mostly youlah sayang) that I just want to drop all my responsibilities for the moment and have a sort of reprieve. I know it's not possible, but I can dream, can't I?

It doesn't have to be anywhere fancy. Heck, I could lock myself in a house and switch off all modes of communication and pretend the world just revolves around that house and there would be nothing outside the door but darkness. And I'd be happy to stay just like that. Of course, we'd need to stock up on some food and all, but otherwise, I would think that we'd need nothing else.

Can we?

*sigh* I know we can't. That would require me having to rewire my brain to not be so worrisome and not so much of the Responsible One. We'd have to stop time. We'd even have to look for someplace where no one would look so I can pretend that the world does not exist for a few days.

But nothing like that could happen, so I guess that the least I could do is be content with the now.

Maybe we can plan something soon?

Love, Lin~

But your class is really boring.

I mean, really.

You're nice. You have that very fatherly type of way and I'm very very positive that you're a nice person. You have had an interesting life with lots of stories to tell. And I'm sure you're a very good journalist as well, seeing how you've been the judge for many competitions. And you're very knowledgeable at that. I guess it's the way journanlists should be...

But could you please, for once, stop talking about yourself and focus on the point of the class? Please pretty please?

It's the third week, and we're still on the introduction of feature wrting. You take up almost two classes just explaining the 5 different types of feature writing and prattle on and on til the explanation just loses its flavour. It gets so tiring after a while. For crying out loud, sir; you're supposed to make writing interesting and fun, not boring.

And I dunno, maybe it's the fact that I'm an English Language and Literature major (in a classful of journalism/communications majors), but I feel rather insulted when you continously ask how to pronounce this and that, and what this or that means. Some of the more unfamiliar words or terms I understand your doing that, but the more common ones? *sigh* It doesn't help that you have that slight tone of superiority when you ask... Not in the rude way, but in that I-know-better way. I hate that tone of superiority when superiority is not due.

I just get really bored in that class. I mean, it's my last semester, and I want to have fond memories. Not the feeling of total relief of being free from boring lecturers... Cos when it all comes down to it, I love lectures.

So yeah, I can't wait for this substitute lecturer to go and for my real lecturer to come back.

Hazlin~

My dear baby Spike,

it's been two years, and I still miss you so. A part of me is still left hollow from your absence in my life. I miss you. I still contemplate the many ways where things could be different from the now. How you could still be here. How I could return home and still hold you in my arms... Oh, how I miss you. I'm still sorry, I am so. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me most. I am sorry for a million and one things I could have done differently... I know regrets mean nothing, but I do anyway. For that's all I can do with you not around.I know words will always stay as words, because I'll never have you back, dear. And my heart aches. I love you, dear.

Always will. I love you wherever you are.

Love, Me.

This semester is proving to be time consuming. So far not as tiring as I thought, since I have sufficient rest on alternate days; because my Tuesday and Thursday classes end at 1pm, so I have time to catch up with rest for my Monday and Wednesday classes that end at 5pm. But like

I said, it consumes so much time that I hardly have time to myself. Not to myself per se, but time to do things that I want. The free time that I do have is usually needed to do my readings as well as get a little shuteye. And even if I wanted to do anything then, it would be at night or at a time when going out is not possible.

I have yet to really spend time with the Twisties and catch. You know, like the old times, just going out and having a drink and laughing at pointless things. Those are very therapeutic, and I miss them so. It's one of those times you get to see your friends outside the academic setting, therefore, less talk of classwork and therefore less stress or rushing to one class to another. And the looming reality of graduation and life drawing near, it's comforting to talk it out and laugh it out as well, just to take the edge of the cutting knife.

I'm also having lesser and lesser time to spend with my family. It's not enough that I have to juggle between my parents and my aunt/uncle, but nowadays I have to juggle them between classes. Sometimes I feel bad for the time constraint I have when with my family. I'd be struggling to spend time with them as well as get some rest for the weekend before I start the week again. Sometimes I'm so tired from the week that I get a little cranky and one too many times I take it out on them. It's not fair to them, I know. But my impatient nature sometimes come to the fore and I find myself saying before thinking.

Even more so, I'm having so little time to spend time with my sayang, Ash. My schedule is rather packed as compared to his, so all the time we have to spend would be during lunch time.

And even then, his Literary Criticism class ends at 1.20pm, so on Mondays and Wednesdays I only have less than an hour with him. It's even more frustrating, because of the fact that this is my final semester, and while he'll still be here for a few more semesters; so after this semester is done, seeing you, sayang, would mean having to meet outside campus...*sigh* I'm so living in Shah Alam when all is done. I can't not see you.

I'm wishing for a little reprieve. Maybe some getaway, either with you Twisties or just with you, sayang. I know it's just the third week of classes, but the need to have a little time to myself and the people I love is overwhelming at the moment. I wish I may, I wish I might...

Just because I don't have time to spend with you does not mean that I do have you (all) on my mind or do not care. I will when we can. But all we need is time...It's all about time, and its elusive ways.

Love all of you guys, LinZy~

What language do I use when words leave me? Use my hands as pens and etch out the memory? This is what I have, this is all that can be. When I can't construct words, the words take over me.

Firelight, firelight
In this room, burning bright
Nothing else in sight
Just this blinding light;
Like a star, I wish I may I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight.
Sigh...
Firelight, Firelight:
Is all there is tonight...
Damned if it's wrong, damned if it's right,
Set me up in gasoline, set me alight,
I don't care, just burn me up in firelight.

Love, LinZy~

Things were a little hectic on Wednesday, what with that being the first day I attended my Monday/Wednesday classes. Because, well, true to tradition, I did not go to any of my classes on Monday; for it is after all my very last semester. I'm not gonna be ruining it by actually breaking tradition. So it was only on Wednesday did I manage to go to all my classes, check out how the lecturers are and find out what my classes were all about. It wouldn't have been so bad if it was in the morning; but the fact that I had classes til 5pm drained me abit. Was a little spaced out by the end of the day.

Thankfully, a little R'n'R was provided by chilling at the good 'ol reliable Bangi Kopitiam. My head needed a wakeup call, and that was it for me. A little drink, a laugh with good company and I'm good to go again.

There was something that Fidzy did, I think the way she was mopping up a spill on the table with a tissue that made Aaina comment. In turn we commented on how Aaina was doing a Monica, what with being such a perfectionist. We then moved to talking about the episode when it turns out that Monica has a 'mess room', and about her organized mess and Chandler wanting to share in making a mess in the room since they are married and living together. From that we jumped on to the idea about all of us living together and who'd be the last one standing.

Prior to this meeting of minds, we saw this banner promoting a penthouse with 8 rooms and 8 bathrooms. And in that vein of thought, we talked about who'd live in that same house and came up with this idea:

8 rooms would go to:
1.Fidzy
2. Ayumi
3. Aaina
4. Lina
5. Maj
6. Raqib
7. Stitch
8. Ash+me

We were going on about who'd do which chore/housework, who'd be the entertainer, who'd die first due to being killed for not doing their part etc. Ash and Lina opted to cook, since they're the only ones who'd probably do the best job of it. I'd do the dishes and laundry, since I actually like doing the dishes and the laundry. I'm not sure what Aaina would do, since eventhough she says she likes cleaning up, that's only for her own room. Fidzy says, she doesn't want to do any housework, so she'll probably comfine herself to the room or be the entertainer. How the nature of entertainment is, I have no idea. But I do believe it involves pole dancing....(Fidzy, do keep that in your own room). Yumi would probably do housecleaning too, while we weren't sure where to place Maj, Raqib and Stitch... We'll bring that question around again sometime.

But thinking about it, it would be one helluva cool idea. I mean, what's better than living with friends? Sure, there'll probably be a time when you'd wanna kill each other and all, but I'd rather be killed by friends than some crazy-ass roomie who sleeps with the light on but with the fan off. Or make you have dreams of scorpions and blood and steal your soul.... Well, ok, that only happens in Buffy.

Anyway, it's still a point to ponder on... And I wouldn't mind the idea some time in the future, should we all work in the same area and wanna find a place to stay. Hmmmmm...we'll see in time.

Love, LinZy~

Yumi said exactly what was in my mind. She said: As soon as she reached HS Square and saw everybody, she felt like the 3 months spent in Ukraine felt like it hardly happened, like she never left. Of course, in my case, it was not exactly like that, for so many wonderful things happened in between from then til the now =) but I thought the same way in the sense that the crazy Sem 2 that we had felt like it resumed as normal eventhough nearly 4 months have passed since then. As though mere days passed since the last day of that semester. Ah, it's so good to be back on campus.

Nerd that I am, I am looking forward to classes and the assignments along with the research needed for the assignments...It's all so very exciting. After all, this being my last semester (insyaallah), I want to take the time to savour everything before all this becomes a memory to me. Sigh, you won't know what you've got til it's gone. I want to sit in the library and soak up everything I possibly can and make copies of the news articles and journals that they have. I want to visit every building and faculty just for the heck of it so that I know the campus through and through before I have to leave all this behind. Yes, I know I'm crazy. But then that's nothing new.

The only downside to all of this is the fact that I have to repeat my Arabic 2 paper (the first time I am ever repeating), and it's no fun having to take it again. But oh well, it's my fault after all for not fully studying during the short semester and not going that extra mile to obtain some extra marks...I mean, it crosses my mind in other classes, I don't know why it didn't in that one. But nevermind, I'm sure everything has a reason behind it.

I am craving a gettogethergether with the Twisties. Have a fun day out to spend time together like we did in Sem 2, so that we can just catch up on what's new. I really really miss having this family-like feel with all of them, and this is my last semester, I want to have lots and lots of memorable memories crammed into it spent with my dearest Twisties. I've been thinking of having a picnic at that stream Yumi, Ash + I passed by on the way back from Tanjung Malim, cos we didn't get to go there as planned before...So I was thinking it'll be great to finally go, and with more people at that. Just that, so early in the semester, everyone needs some settling in, so it'll have to wait til a little while.

Anyway, I'm so glad to be back in the swing of things. There are some factors that stop me mid-swing, disrupting my momentum, but then again there always is; and I'll get through it somehow as always. I'm just happy to be back. I have my classes and my room and the library and all the things that makes being a college student fun. And importantly I have my dearest sayang, Ash, and my Twisties. Blissfulness!

Love you guys lots lah, no matter what;Linzy~

I am the type of person who cares alot about what people think of me. I don't let it control me wholly, no, but sometimes enough for people to misinterpret me and come to all sorts of comclusions; which are sometimes in both extremes. No, I don't let people dictate the way I dress or speak or act, but I am concious enough of what people would think of me to dress/act/speak in a moderate manner. But like I said, despite moderation, there are always one theory or another that read me wrong.

It is important to me, the way people see me. I cannot really explain why without going on a long litany of stories and explanations; but what I can say is that it stems from things deeper in my experience and nature. So it is enough for you to know it is important to me because I constantly feel like I need to prove myself, and that I do not want to fall into the cliched stigma of other people my age, and also because of I feel like I need to live up to something. Well, something like that lah... I think no matter how much I try I'd never be able to explain my motivations for the things I do.

It works sometimes, the way I carry myself. I think I've had more than my fair share of compliments regarding my character. And I am happy the way it turns out, how many people would sometimes tell me how they like that I am like this or that and so and so. It's a good feeling, thinking you're doing something right.

The downside however, is many as compared to the up. The first being, sometimes I try too hard to make sure I come off impressively, so much so that people do not see the real person in me. Of course, that would take time either ways, but still, they tend to judge me by what they see, and don't bother to go any further than that. But then, I suppose, that is more or less my fault for putting up that wall... The second is that, in my trying too hard to impress, I build up defences in fear of being letdown in the end. This makes me seem as though I'm a bit of a snob of aloof or sombong. I'm not. I'm not snooty or anything like that but I know I seem so, especially the first time you meet me. I would not be surprised, cos many of my good friends got the wrong idea when they first met me. The most memorable comment would be from Alfred who said "I thought you were a Bitch when I first met you".

On top of that, eventhough I think I dress pretty moderately, some of the elder folk would have that stigma saying I'm a budak bandar (city girl) who lives the city life just judging from the way I would dress myself. In some respects I am, but not the way they are implicating...which is, in their minds, a wild child. I don't see myself as one; and while I am not putting down those who love the nightlife etc., whatever you want to do is your right of way; I just have to say I do not fancy the lifestyle. I'm just not one for it. So when people imply that I do, I find it rather an insult. But some people do anyways, not all, but quite a few. They're quick to analyze the things I wear, having that sneer on their faces and comparing me to their angelic children... All this without even knowing who I am.

And so, I worry constantly about what people would think of me. Even more so now that I am thinking of my future, once I graduate. I am thinking about various interviews that I would have to go to, and wonder how I would come off. To make matters worse, being the worrier I am, it will be something that will be constantly on my mind and worry me incessantly. I worry whatever mistakes that I have done before in front of a person would come back to nip me in the bud someday.

Was talking to a Anis sometime ago, and she was telling me that first impressions don't matter, since they're never accurate. And continued to tell me her first impression of me (which is totally hilarious) and how she was later proved wrong. It goes to show how some people are not always the way they seem the first time you meet them, only when you get to know them will you discover their real character, that is when they've settled into the acquaintance and have gotten comfortable. I agree, since I've many times wrongly judged a person from just what I see. But then again, the worrier in me will never cease to worry. I constantly need to be assured that I do not give the wrong idea towards people....because it is quite a while before I let go of myself. I might seem sometimes quiet/reserved/rude at first, but it's only because I need a few moments to adjust and compose myself. And so, I keep on worrying.

First impressions last a good long while in me; with the impressions of other people because it is
how I remember getting to know them, even if they are proved wrong later. And of myself because I care about that initial response to my character. So for that I have to apologize for any wrong impressions that I may have made to you or to people you know, and sorry if I misjudged you the first time I meet you. I've realized my mistakes and I hope you can as well....Ta.

Love, LinZy~

The holidays so far have been relaxing. That's what holidays are for, isn't it? I got to spend time with my family, whom I've barely been able to have quality time with during the entire short semester. It's nice, especially being able to sit down and talk and/or have a laugh with my mother, whom I have only been having quality conversations with on the phone. So despite the shortness of this holiday, I've managed to accomplish alot.

But of course, there's the fact that I have not been able to see Ash for a week. After spending days and nights at Fidzy's place during the semester, it's been very hard not to miss him terribly during the holidays. So yesterday, I had them (Ash, Fidzy and Shu) over for lunch and to just spend time. My mother and I made nasi kerabu and we picked them up at Seremban's train station around 11.00am...

I've no words to convey how good it felt to be able to see you again, sayang. Eventhough the holidays have been good to me, being able to see you made it all the better. I've missed you sayang, and I'm glad that the holidays are not too long and that I'll see you this Sunday.

Of course, it was also good to see Fidzy and Shu, the two other people I've been seeing alot these past few weeks. I've gotten too used to staying at Fidzy's place in TTDI with Ash and Shu, almost that it feels like we're a lil family living and spending time together. So after not seeing them for a week, it feels almost weird.

I was so glad you guys were able to make it to Seremban. A week has been feeling like forever...don't think I could wait til the 6th of July. I hope you guys had fun. I know there was not much time and not much to do, but it was just good to see you all. And my sister loved that you guys came. We don't do much at home, and she gets kinda bored. She loved hanging out with you guys and wishes she could do that some more. My sister says that you guys are all a lil crazy and she loves that, beats hanging around on her own.

Sigh...I am already wishing the semester would start.

The time we had was very brief, sayang, but such a relief all the same. Whatever stolen moments we had would carry me to Sunday... For now I know you're on a bus back home, and I shall be missing you dearly. Take care, love, and I'll see you when we both get back to campus on Sunday. Love you.

Love, LinZy~