Sup3rnality

In the Star today, my horoscope reads:

"Capricorn:

Your mind is on intimate
relations. There are aspects for turning these fantasies into reality but not
yet."

• Once the kitchen at my place is in order, please experiment with at least one dish per week to hone them cooking skills.
• Please start saving more money. Now that I have to pay for my car on top of rent, bills, car park and other miscellaneous things, I am starting to feel the pinch. Food in Cyberjaya is expensive, so stop splurging. And you have to pay for petrol to get around and tolls, too.
• Eat better food at a set time. My eating habits are erratic and have caused my body to go haywire.
• Talk to your housemates about locking the door and grill at all times.
• Buy some furnishings for the room to organize it better.
• Hunt down the dude, Aizad, and shoot him dead.

Love,

Linzy

I just suddenly felt compelled to say this:

I am Muslim.

I may not look the part. And I may give in to one too many of my weaknesses. But that doesn't make me any less a person who whole-heartedly believes in Islam.

I may have my ideas, my opinions and my arguments. And just because I am young, a female, dress the way I do, think the way I do and am seemingly a non-conforming Muslim, doesn't in any way make my opinions invalid. I study my religion both academically and independently, and have consulted respected learned lecturers/profs etc, and it is in that way that I have come to the understanding that I hold. I do not blindly follow, nor do I blindly draw conclusions without knowledge. I know what is right and I know what is wrong. I understand why some things are right and why some things are wrong. I know that Islam is about "This is best for you because...", not "You cannot do this because We say you can't". And I know the flaw in the system that is eating its way into many believers here in this country that makes being a Muslim so difficult. And I know the flaw that makes Islam so difficult to believers and non-believers in this country. And I know the flaw that makes me such a heretic in the eyes of many whenever I open my mouth about religion.

I believe Islam is common sense and what is natural. And I follow my common sense and my natural tendencies for goodness and avoid whatever that will bring bad. Or perhaps I try the best I can to. I believe in my belief. Do not judge me. Only God has the right to that. There are many elements in Islam, after all, that is up to interpretation, other than what is clearly laid out in the Qur'an and Sunnah. I know what I know, and I know that I don't know everything. So I'll rectify what I lack and strengthen what I already have.

I carry Islam with me all the time, even if you don't see it. I am Muslim because I am a person who wants what is right. I am Muslim for I uphold common sense. I am Muslim because I acknowledge that I am a cog in a wheel, and it takes me and the whole world to make this wheel turn. I am Muslim because I am me, and no one else is.

Love,
Hazlin

My dad's company celebrated their annual family day last Sunday. We all went there early that morning, since my dad after all is in the committee. My ibu and bapak, my brother and sister, and my cousin, Kanna, and I had fun fooling about that day. Here are some photos to share:

Had my face painted there.

Yes, I actually took the time to do the sand art thingy. Yes, I am a little girl in a young woman's body, so sue me.

And yes, my sand art picture thingy is that of a Care Bear :p

Don't be fooled, my cousin ain't just looking on and watching over my sister while she gets her face painted...

She wants to get her face painted, too. There was no way I'd have my dad's company logo painted on me, though :P

Love, Linzy~

I’ve been… I don’t want to say. Saying the words, or typing them for that matter, gives it life. Makes it real enough to jump out of the screen and consumes me whole. It commits my colourful life to the black and white of these words against the background. But unspoken or not, there’s no muting the echoing vacancies of unspent time.

I’ve been…lonely. There, I’ve said it. I didn’t want to. Words like that bounces off the walls when there’s no one in the room but you. And no pillow over ears could drown out the sound. I didn’t want to say it. Too proud to profess weakness. Too afraid to make it known. Too tired to make it any more the truth. But I have been, and I can’t shake it off.

I’ve found driving around aimlessly to be a companion. With music blasting to retain my focus, and sudden bursts of speed for a little rush, for a little sense of urgency. I stride about in shopping malls and browse shops just to do something than nothing at all. Staying at home and behind close doors only magnifies the emptiness of my room. So I walk out. I do what I can to occupy the long gaps of time ticking by. Otherwise all I hear is the loud crashings of the seconds-hand announcing the passing of moments gone by.

Friends that I could talk to are too far away. And I often wonder whether we’ve gotten out of touch. I know that we haven’t; cos when we meet we all fall into familiarity; but a lingering doubt reigns, having me dwelling on questions and wonderings. And even if I could see them, I’m not about to pull them into my sense of displacement. Nah, I can’t. Meeting with good friends who are far away is to be made a celebration. And the friends that I have close by, the ones I can easily see everyday, well, don’t live in the same book. Let alone be on the same page. They don’t know me, or think they know me to pass words that don’t belong to them for them to say.

Everyday I’ve been tempted to drive to see Ash. So many times. But time doesn’t permit. Traffic jams and the looming nighttime will only frustrate me more. I’d only have an hour or two, and then I’d have to go again. And times like this, that’s something that I can’t take. I need days. Hours will only find me lonelier, knowing that I’d have to let him go, and not being able to. I’m just counting until I could have days and days of quality time with my Sayang, and for the moment, I do not know when that is.

I’m lonely. I feel like I’m standing amongst people but cannot connect. I need to feel. I need to not feel lonely.

~Linzy

The past few days have been very demotivating for me; so many things have been clouding my mind that I've been very detached, very distant from everything around me. I haven't had the strength to goof and joke and couldn't find the funny in anything. I need a break.

Times like these, the best remedy is not sit in the office wrapped up in jackets with nothing to do. Nah, this sorta feeling calls for lazy days at home curled up in my most comfortable casuals and burrowing under blankets on a nice fluffy couch watching movie after movie. The bonus would be having Ash with me keeping me company as I revive myself from all sense of anger and uselessness.

I wish I was anywhere but here.

No, wait. Not anywhere. I want to be at home.

Not my home in Cyber, cos it doesn't have the things I'm imagining, and I have a very different setting in mind.

Right now, I'm thinking, I wanna be at home in nothing but shorts and a tank top, and not in full on clothing in my freezing office. I wanna be cooking up some pasta and enjoying the making of it. I'm thinking, fettucine carbonara, cos I know Ash loves it. The recipe's pretty easy and the ingredients are attainable, and but of course, it's super yummy. I'd dump them into two plates and we'd pig out on the couch watching movies, without a care. Enjoying a plateful of creamy sinfulness watching a movie with my Sayang by my side; priceless. Oh oh, wait, not to forget some nice blankets to wrap around myself to keep warm, since I always feel cold no matter the time of day. I wanna be all snug as a bug within the softness of the blankets. But wait, come to think of it, I don't want a couch. Instead, I want a cozy daybed with more cuddling space for myself and my Sayang. I want to be able to just lounge about lazily without caring about the time of day and whatever work that might need to get done. I want to recline into a daybedful of pillows in front on the tv, wrapped in blankets with my Sayang right next to me... *sigh* Heavenly. I just know that I have to have a daybed in my house one day. A must have in the tv area. Something like the ones in the pictures. It'll be perfect; it's not exactly a bed but not exactly a couch either. Meaning, it'll have the same cozyness of a couch, but will be single-bed-sized. Now movie-watching would not mean just sitting up stiffly; on a daybed I can lie down, lean back, prop my feet up or fold it under me, or roll around. Much much more fun ;p And to make it even more fun, would be having a bowl of ice cream to share with my Sayang. That would complete it all. The cherry on top, eventhough Ash doesn't like cherries :p. Sinfully good food+cozy daybed+blankets+casual clothes+ice cream. But then again, the ice cream is not what completes the ensemble. It's having my Sayang close, whom I only have to myself one or two days out of a month. Having him next to me, doing something as simple as watching a movie at home, is more than I could ask for.

So yeah, that's where I'd rather be. And who I'd rather be with. I'd choose being with my Sayang over being at work any time of day. That is, if I could be anywhere but here.

Love,

N.e-Q

My darling tagged me in his FB note, so I'm responding to it here:


Things you do when you've nothing to do. Now you've been tagged, read the instructions below ;)

1 - Open http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
(alternatively, if the first article you hit is short, hit Random Article two more times.)

2 - Open http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Open http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop/paint or similar to put it all together.
-I used Picasa 3.

5 - TAG the friends you want to join in.
-Anyone lah.

• the band name is the name of a wildfire that occurred in Arizona caused by a lightning strike during a monsoon.
• the quote is from Salma Hayek which goes "It's very easy to feel someone's pain when you love them"
• the picture is a photo taken by DeDaniel entitled "A Digital Reflection of a Natural Idea".

I have recovered from my semi-depression. I wanted to say get over, but that isn't the case. It's still there at the back of my mind hovering like a dark shadow that is threatening to take over me if I let it. But...I won't. I can't. That's why I say recovered; because so far, I've only been able to blanket it; but it's there underneath the surface.

Yesterday, after feeling detached and emotionally absent from everything and everyone around me, I impulsively took off to Alamanda right after work. I tried booking tickets to a movie online, but they were fully-booked. But I decided I'd take my chances and see if a movie -- any movie -- was available.

So I drove, and I got there, and I managed to get myself a ticket for the 6.15 pm screening of Blood. I've watched several episodes of Blood before, and I know the vague background of the story, so I thought I'd see if the movie would do it any justice. But of course, as movie remakes go, this one is no different. It was boring. The plot was non-existent. Characters were stoned and static with no depth or substance. Had an unbearably childish dialogue. And had amateur-ish effects. Basically a no-go for me. Terminator would have done more for me despite me not wanting to spoil my memory of the first two with the current takes. But then, come to think of it, it was a toss between Blood, 17 Again, Jangan Pandang Belakang Congkak, and Hannah Montana. So, as you can see, I didn't have that many choices.

But the whole idea of taking off was basically to get away and not have to stay home and dwell and wallow in anger. I wanted to be occupied. Needed to. I was lonely and angry and mildly depressed, being home alone with nothing to take up the spaces of my thoughts wasn't on the cards. So bad or not, Blood was as good as anything. Of course, this morning I woke up to the thought that I just lost an hour and 35 minutes of my life, as well as RM8 of my salary that I will never get back.

Prior to the movie, after buying the ticket and waiting for it to start, I decided to head towards Sushi King to have my first meal of the day. I haven't eaten the entire day and was lightheaded and almost ready to keel over from hunger. Yes, it does seem odd to want sushi when you're hungry as it seems virtually impossible to assuage a hunger with little itty-bitty plates of equally itty-bitty pieces of sea creatures wrapped in rice and seaweed. You'd need a lot to get full, and sushi is not exactly cheap. But I was in the mood to splurge on myself and not care, so I went in, sat down and looked into the menu.

My cravings for salmon was yet to be fed, so I ordered every salmon dish I could possibly afford. My main course was a plate of salmon steak, served with some kinda crab and mushroom pudding, rice and miso soup. Believe me, it was good. Then I had salmon sushi, salmon sashimi, fried salmon skin and fried salmon skin hand roll. I even took some to go for my movie and sat happily crunching salmon skin in the cinema as well as savouring every bite of my salmon sashimi.

It was a luxuriously delicious meal. Albeit being not fun since I was eating all alone. The guys working there even took the time chatting me up, seeing there was only one other customer. They were asking did I just finish work, and why I was alone, why I liked salmon so much etc. It was nice of them to somewhat keep me company, and even though I'd rather have been left to my thoughts, thoughts wasn't something I wanted to dwell on. So I obliged them by giving into their small talk, smiled when they tried to joke, and graced them with a smile and wave when they gave me a chorus of thank yous or rather, arigatos, as I left.

It was only then that I rushed off to my movie, watched, and left for home. Oh, but not to forget, I bought a boxful of donuts before I left, and shared them with my landlord's kids when they came over to open up my kitchen door.

Anyway, time off on my own is something I haven't done in the longest time. I don't particularly miss it, I'd rather have company to talk to, or rather, have my Sayang with me for guaranteed cheer-up time; but being on my own for a few hours gave me some time to reflect and think, and put things into a little perspective, without being swallowed up by emotion. It was a good setting, a hustling and bustling shopping mall as a background and soundtrack to my contemplations. Its non-quietness allows me to think without wallowing.

I came out of the Sushi King and the cinema with a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. I definitely felt better. Better, but not wholly. But better, nonetheless.

Mission accomplished.

Love,
Linzy

No, the entry below is not accidental. It's not my head hitting the keyboard as I fell asleep on the job. It's not some code to be deciphered. It's not an acrostic or mesostic or making use of initialism to hide what I really want to say. It's not some phishing thingy getting you to clickety-click on links after infiltrating my blog account. It's not a result of hacking or sabotage. It's nothing that I can explain. It's nothing that words can say. It was just me typing out the wordlessness to describe a bad day.

And a bad day it was, yesterday.

But I don't want to talk about it.

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Sorry, this is a little late. Was planning to post sooner, but as mentioned, my new place ain't got no internet connection. Thus, I am off the line for the moment, and all posts for the timebeing, will be written whilst I am at work. But since June is proving to be a rather hectic month, I haven't had the time to sit down and jot down some thoughts.

Anyway, Mimi+Kasim's wedding went wonderfully last last weekend on the 6th in Ampang. My heart swells as I watch another friend married. I get that mixture of emotions ranging from pride, happiness, wistfulness and a hundred more that I can't put words to. But suffice to say, I am deeply happy to see Mimi and Kasim married. I wish all the very very best to the two of them.

It was a wonderful day. With the wedding and the long lost friends and being with Ash, it was many happy things at once. It was wonderful because I got to see another friend of mine happily reveling in her marriage. It was wonderful because I got to see friends whom I have not seen since last year, after my last semester ended. And it was wonderful because I managed to sneak some time with my Sayang in a day, and a day is so precious, cos I only get a few precious days with him in a month.

All in all, a wonderful day. And I await the days when all my friends get married. And myself as well to my Sayang, insyaAllah.

Congrats, Mimi+Kasim!

Love,

Linzy

XXVII

My own Beloved, who hast lifted me
From this drear flat of earth where I was thrown,
And, in betwixt the languid ringlets, blown
A life-breath, till the forehead hopefully
Shines out again, as all the angels see,
Before thy saving kiss! My own, my own,
Who camest to me when the world was gone,
And I who looked for only God, found thee!
I find thee; I am safe, and strong, and glad.
As one who stands in dewless asphodel,
Looks backward on the tedious time he had
In the upper life,--so I, with bosom-swell,
Make witness, here, between the good and bad,
That Love, as strong as Death, retrieves as well.

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Sonnets from the Portuguese

Ok, I know I'm not cool. Damn, never tried to be anyway. I've always known I would be somewhat of a social outcast. Well, not outcast per se, but not entirely built to fit into a mould either. I just manage to contort myself into a social circle if I need to, albeit reluctantly sometimes.

But as usual, I digress. I'm not talking about being 'cool' as in walking the walk and talking the talk. No, I'm talking about being cool under pressure. But even that kinda cool, is something I have yet to master; because anyone who knows me knows that I sweat copiously, til I am drenched. And so, despite my placid expression or my non-panicky demeanor, a telltale sign that I am pressed, worried, rushed or desperately scared, is the sweat that drips of me like I just got out of the shower.

Last week on Tuesday night, I was put in a situation that left me sweating like I was in a sauna. I had decided to lepak for a few hours at Oldtown around 8.30 pm so that I could use the wireless net access, since my new place has yet to have an internet connection. And so I drove, and when I got there, I saw that the carwash place was still open; and thought it'd be good to have my car washed and vacuumed since it's just really dirty. So I drove to under the tent, parked, handed my keys over and went to Oldtown.

I got quite carried away surfing and uploading pictures, so it was already around 10.30++ pm when I rememebered to check the time. Deciding that I should probably get home and get ready for work the next day, I packed up and then walked towards the carwash. My heart leapt into my mouth when I saw the carwash closed. But I saw my car parked in the corner, so the immediate thought that my car was stolen was cancelled out. But then I started thinking about where my carkeys could possibly be...and that's when I noticed the note on my car. It said:

Okay, finally I got the first one finished.

This is the actual first one that I first composed in my head, and as I was in the shower yesterday :p

I sometimes wonder how you could
love the person that I am when
the voices in my head make me
feel like nothing, like the sands
of time that seep through forgotten. And yet,
your love feels like the second
skin that covers my insides, transparent
on the surface. You let yourself be
mine to wrap around myself.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009

Love,
N.e-Q

Yes, this is version 2. I was in the middle of version one when I got the inspiration for version 2, and decided to write it before I lost my train of thoughts. I ended up finishing the second one first.

A piece that I just decided to write one night as I was about to fall asleep.

I enjoy the blatant indiscretion, this impudent flaunting,
love the elaborate attempt to hide in the open
the secrets we both keep to ourselves to
feel as though we are in a secret world
of our own in which we consist of only
your own self and my own self, comfortable in our own
skin, in our ownselves without having to paint
on these masks of indifference. You can just be
mine, and I'll just be yours. And that is all there is.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009

Love,
N.e-Q

P/s: Sayang, thank you for teaching me acrostic poetry :)

This is going to be a quickie.

I've been quiet for a while. That's mostly because:

• I've been busy moving to my new place
• I have moved in and kemasing my new place.
• My new place doesn't have internet access.
• I have so many products to juggle that I can't even blog at work.
• The firewall is back up at the office and cannot surf some sites, ie Facebook
• I've been moving about that I've hardly had the time to properly catch up with anything.

I've been working here for what, four months now?

Four months and my review never gets any better. There was one glimmer of light once, but the lightbulb got smashed just as soon as it sparked.

I'm tired of this. It brings me down to such a low that makes me feel like an idiot child. Like my knowledge is all for naught. As if I am not good enough. It takes away all my smiles for the day and replaces it with a expression of worry, anger and frustration.

Working here has been absolutely wonderful. I've said it many times before, and I have no regrets being here. But this...this seemingly (to me) elaborate attempt to make me look like a fool is driving me to feel agonizingly incompetent.

I seem to never be able to please the guy. Whatever I send his way always comes back with snide, and almost bitchy remarks. Hazlin noticed this but she didn't notice that. Is she reading with understanding? She is careless and does not pay enough attention. Why did she suggest this here but didn't suggest it there? More effort has to be put in. Blah de blah de blah.

What I hate about these reports are that his comments are mostly assumptions on the possible reasons for mistakes or what he thinks are mistakes. He assumes that I did not read carefully, but in truth is that since it has happened once and I've highlighted it, I need not have to retype another comment all over again. It's redundant. I mean, I mentioned that it once and made a note of it, so there's no need for him to put in the report is an all too definite tone that Hazlin did not understand what she was reading or was not paying attention.

It's embarassing to have people other than you read that report and they'd think that you cannot get the job done. It's bad enough to read a very critical review on your work. But it's much much worse when it is read by my superiors whom I am trying so hard to prove myself to. I seem to be capable to them, but if I keep getting these reviews, what are they really thinking of me? It drives me mad thinking that it doesn't really reflect what happened or who I am. And that those who read it will be lead to think I am probably more of a liability than an assett to the company.

I wish the review reports were made by the other guy.

Screw it. I hate this. I feel like my day has been ruined.

And I feel incredibly stupid.

I really need a pick-me-up.

Maybe I'll go to Alamanda, Putrajaya later with Ayus and get me some donuts.

Love,
Hazlin

P/s: I wish my Sayang was here :(

It's one of those nights again; and I can't sleep.

Thoughts of you fill every space of my consciousness.
Behind closed eyelids, a myriad of memories play over and over, distracting me from attempting to slumber...but then, that is so typical of you. A constant distraction. But a blissful, wonderful distraction. A distraction when I'm working. Or when I'm driving. Or when I am simply just being. You distract me. But in ways that render me weak-kneed. So much so that you often lull me into complacency, made helpless from your attention.

Even when you're not here I am distracted by just thinking of you.

And if I'm going to have to go through this tonight, I might as well have you here.

I wish you were.

Because I miss you.

Yours,
N.e-Q