Sup3rnality

I woke up and stretched languidly and smiled to myself.

Finally.

I got up, took a shower and proceeded to prepare for moving day. Moving back to campus, that is. Not something I'd usually look forward to, since it does signal the start of classes and travelling back and forth on the dreaded train. However, these past few weeks have given me a new reason to look forward to get back to the good 'ol Holy Grounds :)

I carried the boxes and bags I needed to bring to campus downstairs. All placed near the door, ready to load them into the boot of the car when we were ready to go. I did all this with a spring in my step, anticipating the rest of the day, knowing I'd be able to see Ash later.

I woke Ash up sometime at 9am, as he asked so he could go to the mahallah office to check whether it's open and check in if it was. After that I went on with everything, arranging things into the boxes and putting clothes into bags. But at about 10am, Ash called to tell me: the office is not open today.

Bloody hell, that was frustrating news. After already planning for this day, we find out that we'd have to hold everything til tommorow. Cos even if I went to Gombak, I'd have nowhere to stay. And that way I'd have to go back to Seremban anyway....So I couldn't....sigh. Talk about killjoy.

So I'm only heading back tomorrow....A day later than expected. Better than nothing, but frustrating nonetheless. So, love, I'll see you tomorrow then. Can't wait ;)

Love, LinZy~

It has occured to me just how long it has been since I've penned down a poem or something like it. It's been quite a while. I could not possibly remember the last time I've let words flow through my mind and let it be drawn upon a canvas. That canvas, of course, nowadays being my laptop screen while my fingers tap upon the keys, patterning upon this pixelated blank page the swirl of letters that substantializes the abstraction in my head.

It's been a while now.

And whether it is this laptop that plays medium to my constant need to give voice to the otherwise silent recesses of my mind or my hand smooth-flowing in an almost possessed fervour upon the paper pages of my notebook; it surely has been a while. Relatively a while, considering how every page of any notebook of mine used to have on it at least a stanza committed to ink.

I was however intrigued to write one of my own last night. I was reading some poems my dear Ash posted up and was moved by how much emotion was captured in those brief stanzas. Even more so was the fact that they were written in Malay, my should-be mother tongue (bahasa ibunda); which I have failed to master in entirety. I found them moving, so much so that I'm moved to write my own take on his poem titled "Sepi itu yang Membingitkan" (read it here). I definitely cannot do justice to his, but I'll try my hand. Oh, and of course, it's in English.

Love, I hope you don't mind.

Reason? Well, out of the many, silence is what I understand the most. How in all of its deception of peace, the hushness breeds more monsters than bunnies could procreate, for it allows you the peace of mind to let monsters haunt you. And being the worrier that I am, this is knowledge that I have firsthand.

So that's it. My first poem in months now, owing my inspiration to the words of my dear Ash
(don't sue me, yea? Hehe...). See you in two days, love.

Love, LinZy~

I'm out of my mind.

Something not out of the ordinary. My mind has never been one to stay in one place. Always flitting to one thing to another. Inquisitive. Always finding more than one way to look at things. Always searching. Always questioning. I have many questions. And I have many answers. Just not to what I'm asking. Well, my mom has always said I was the most inquisitive one amongst my other siblings.

I'm out of my mind.

But then again, is it my my mind that I am out of, or is it my mind that is out of me? For I have lately found myself to be submitting to a self other than my usual. And in this self my mind flees. But nomadic as my mind is, it stays within my vessel. Usually. Only that it takes the time to explore the outer reaches of my mind, but never outside. And this what puzzles me, wondering why she'd take her leave to go, eventhough she's never left before.

She's out of her mind. But understand that she's fought her way out of the woods, and by some divine intervention, found herself once more with feeling. And although she's smashed she's not wrecked. She's tabula rasa; clean slate. And with lessons, she'll have words written on her blank pages, and she'll realize there's a sleeper in her.

She wakes up groggy with the new dawn, but not without a smile on her face. And eventhough she has yet to find out what is beyond that horizon, she's content with just the now. She's out of her mind, and it scares her when she is. The straight is not necessarily narrow, and she doesn't want to veer off. The offroad does seem a little tempting. She's heard about it. Heard it whispered when it reached her ear, the gentle rasp of promises. And yet, the whispers tell her the promises hold. Infinite validity for as long as the whispers heard is just the one without the interruption of any other, without adding grafitti ontop of the painting of the sunrise. And she's comforted. And yet, the offroad seems tempting... She won't visit, no. But she's tempted to ring the doorbell. Knock, maybe, and run before they come to the door. Maybe. But she's also been walking this road long, she'll get there soon. Maybe, too, she'd pass it by, and just get there first. She'll come a-knocking when she has her own door to be knocked on.

She's out of her mind.

But at least she remembers it.

Love, LinZy~

The semester that has just gone by has been pleasantly eventful. Particularly, of course, the last day of the semester before I went home for the holidays ;) Makes me wish that we all found this much earlier, this weird bond between ourselves. But then again, circumstances was much different then, and for the most part, some of us were just cordial friends. And it was only by some chance outing that we found this thing among us that we share.

The Twisties and I have spent too many days and nights together. From our every Monday and sometimes Wednesday outings, to our all-night escapades and hijacking and sleepovers at Yumi's...Being on campus meant being surrounded by my second family, and it is a wonderful feeling.

Despite loving being on campus, I've always felt a little empty, sometimes inexplicably overwhelmed by loneliness on campus grounds. Although that is only sometimes, still, I'd rather be at home when that occurs. Thankfully though, the previous semester left no idle time for such emotions to come over me.

Spending day after day together, I've come to gotten used to having my Twisties as part of my everyday life. Waking each meant meals together, hanging out to just chat and have a laugh and spending time going to movies, parks and the like. It's comforting and it's good having friends around keeping you sane, making you go insane and just sharing all of that. Oh wait, did I say 'friends'? I meant family.

I have my own family of course. The family you are born into and blessed with. They're dysfunctional and crazy and I love them. And then I have the family that is born into my life...And I find them to be so much my salvation when everything goes crazy. And I love them, too, because of their dysfunction.

Well, Joss (JWIMMN) did say that family is the people who lets you be you, and you're comfortable with. It can be anyone. And while I do have a family I love, I am thankful to have another.

The holidays have felt so uneventful without the going-outs I've gotten used to. Not that I haven't had any fun spending time with my family at home. No. It's not that. I love them and I love spending time with them. It's just that the routine (of going out with the gang) has been broken, and getting back into the swing of things (or lack of) throws me off kilter. And I'm missing my Twisties. And missing Yumi, my fellow hijackee who is now in Ukraine and would be there for the next few months. And no contest, of course, I'm missing you, Ash.
So thanks guys for being part of my life. So much for my initial thought when I first stepped into MCIIUM that I will never find like-minded people. I take it back...

I'm impatient for the semester to begin. Can't wait to be reunited with them Twisties. Just another four more days....sigh...oh wait, six more days. But that's only if you're not me. Hehe.

Love, LinZy~

Prior to March 5th, I got one of those usual odd late night calls from Fairuz, or Ayus, as I call her. Nothing out of the ordinary there, since we've been best friends for ages, and these calls are just one of those obligations, yeah?

But that night her request was rather odd to me. Wait, not odd, more like "You want me to what???" Yeah, that's more like it. Not something I'd expect, whatever time of day you asked. My reaction would be pretty much the same.

This was the deal: Would I be free on the 5th of March? Cos she needed me to go with her for a photoshoot at Bandar Menjelara for Female Magazine. What was it for? They wanted to interview some chicks who were into collecting movie merchandise and have a photoshoot as well.

Well, first of all, I'm not a movie buff. And model material? Hmmm...I wouldn't count myself in. But it is Fairuz, and me and her have been in many crazy things together. This would just add more to the list.

She first needed another person to come with us, and I called up FidZy; but after some planning, she couldn't make it. So, since the merchandise I collected wasn't exactly movie stuff (everything of that sort would be all Whedonesque or at the very least, totally Potter), the deal was that I'd borrow FidZy's action figures and go for the photoshoot and interview. Oh, and I had to wear something white. For that, I got Fairuz to go to my place in Shah Alam and I directed her around
my room to pick up stuff for me.

So come the 5th, I left UIA early so I'd get there on time. I actually had a Discourse Analysis presentation that day so I needed to make sure I got everything done before 2pm. I took the cab there (I didn't worry cos they were reimbursing me for the cabfare...hehe. Otherwise I wouldn't have) and got there surprisingly early despite my worrying about traffic. I actually had to wait abit til the people from the magazine arrived. I was even approached by a nicely dressed Chinese man saying "Cik Adik Cantik, kejap lagi dekat kedai kopi di hujung sana kita ada ucapan sikit pasal BN. Datanglah bawak kawan ramai-ramai". I sat there dumbfounded and a lil scared cos I didn't wanna be caught in some political crossfire. But thankfully, the magazine folks arrived and we went into the studio.

Since Fairuz took a while to get there, they did my make-up first. If there was one thing I loved about the whole affair was having people fussing over my makeup. I didn't have to do a thing. Then I had my hair done (although I didn't really like the look. The retro hair thing doesn't work for me). Around that time, Fairuz arrived and then they did her makeup. And while waiting for her, I had my photoshoot.

That was one weird experience. I'm not used to having all eyes on me telling me to pose and smile and everything. It was fun but weird. Hehehe....I dunno how to put it to words. It was a funny feeling. After that we did Fairuz's shoot and I loved hers. Looked more studio like. But all in all, I loved the whole thing.

So, to whoever reading this, if you wanna check out the photoshoot thing I did, do pick up an issue of FEMALE MAGAZINE this MAY 2008. You'd be able to see me and my friend Fairuz doing the thing we do best: crazy things.

Love, LinZy~

P/S: (some continuation)

Fairuz and her boyfriend Fairuz were nice to give me a ride back to UIA. We were on time, so it was good. I'd have time to prepare for my prsentation somemore. But as soon as I passed the bridge, I saw Lina, Yumi and FidZy looking at a real banged up bike. I called out to them and they told me that Ash just got into an accident.

I went up and changed and got back down asap. Bringing Fairuz along, I bought lunch and caught up with the rest. Was worried about Ash's condition but thankfully he was doing ok despite a rather bad accident according to the others. He was resting in his room at the time so I'd only get to see how he was later.

So me and Aaina did our presentation and later went out for dinner and picked Ash up at the usual place. He looked bad where his face was skinned...but was glad he was ok and in one piece. Sigh...I felt rather guilty at the time cos it happened on a day when I was not around. Am so very thankful that he's ok. Especially now :)

It's been a week, now. I thought I'd have found the words I needed to say what needs saying. But as much as I would like to think that words bend and break at my bidding, I'm at a lost for them. I don't have them. They have me.

I cannot give you anything if you were to ask me how things have came to be. I don't know. We don't know. Did it start with me or him or did we both jump into it together? Heh, he wants to take the credit (or blame, hehe)...but I still am not all that sure. I'm just glad it happened.

Admittedly, we found the situation very funny indeed, but it does not discount the fact we knew there were things to resolve. But we did and we're here and I'm glad. So very glad.

It's been a dreamy week. One that has passed almost somnambulistically, but I know it isn't. I'm just awake as you are, just not like from a nightmare-like awakeness, but more of a lucid dream in which everything was felt and heard in surround sound kind of awake. I'm awake and I'm glad that I am. I'm glad because I realize that it's not a dream at all.

I need to have my phone surgically removed from myself. I need to wipe the constant smile from my face. I need to find a better excuse to explain my running to the room whenever my phone rings. I need to bribe my sister so she'd stop giving me knowing grins....

I should, but I don't want to.

It's been so long since I've had it on good authority to feel this way. Sometimes it feels like I need to brush the cobwebs from my long idle self. I'm getting reacquainted with this part of me...and it feels good.

I cannot help the rush, the rapid beat of my heart, the butterflies (or dinosaur, as Yumi puts it)... And I don't want to be helped, because everything he makes me feel reminds me that I'm awake and alive.

Be still my heart.

So this is it, I'm not single and I'm loving it. Thanks to those who had a hand in all this and thanks to those who I talked to for reassurance. Love you all. But most importantly:

I love you, Ash.

Love, LinZy~

(Written on the 7th of April)

I'm out of my mind.

This is a story that was not meant to play. It usually goes from rising action to denouement, and all is resolved within itself. This is not how it goes.

But I hear the clanging of the bells. If not from my own insane mind, then somewhere in a distance. And maybe because it's too far that I can't really hear what it's trying to tell me. I think it's saying:

You're out of your mind.

And I'm not even begging to differ. I know the character I play, and I know I stand in the crossfire. I know I'm the one holding the lighter fluid and setting myself alight...but heck, the pyromaniac in me says go ahead. Let's see how hot the flames burn. We're all doomed to burn anyway. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. We all play with fire.

But I'm out of my mind.

I'm feeling the burn and I know I should take a dive into the river. I know I should douse the flames and feel the chill down to my bones. The only way out is to fight my way in. Cos to change what's within won't happen anytime soon. But believe me, carving out my insides is not a daily practice I occupy myself with.

So, I'm out of my mind.

Tell me something new. Tell me what's the safest bet. For the love of the all-consuming, blazing fire or for the safety of the coolness of the icy falls? Either way I'm wrecking the play, and the director might be screaming...but in my state tonight, I'm sick with a fever and deaf in one ear.

Love, LinZy~

(Written on the 6th of April)

I'm out of my mind.

The early dawn brought revelations that I thought would assuage this burning. I thought it would douse the flames. I thought it would wake me up from my impossible dream. I thought it would tell me that I am ablaze with the wrong fuel, and I'm threatening to burn the house down.

But I'm out of my mind.

I say, let it burn. Let it burn. Let it go up in flames and see everything I built up turn to cinders. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Isn't that what they say at some funerals? Well, we're all doomed to burn. We're all dust. That's what my irrationality says.

I'm out my mind.

But I think I like it. I like entertaining my thoughts that have long remained idle. That have collected dust along the years. Exploring thoughts long forgotten, emotions long since felt. There's danger in falling deeper, but I'm sinking anyway. No use pulling me out now.

But I'm out of my mind.

Cos I know I'm wrong. I know I was wrong all along. Even from before, before I woke up feeling comfortably wrong, I laid down my rules in plain black and white on my wall for me to see lest I forget.

And I'm out of my mind, cos I have. And ignorance is such bliss.

Love, LinZy~

The heart of my Claddagh points to me now =)

I'm out my mind.