Sup3rnality

INARA
Besides, why would I want
to leave Serenity?
MAL
Can't think of a reason.

-'Shindig', 1x04 Firefly

Thursday night. Or Friday morning, if you want to be technical. It was, after all, about 4am. Laid myself down on one corner of Fidzy's tatami and attempted some long deserved rest. World Literature finals were in 11 hours time and for a paper that required much mental exertion, sleep was very much in order. And yet, what would have been a deep slumber turned into a fight for lucidity. A struggle to find a peace of mind from the confusion of voices playing in my head over and over again. It was a fight I was losing, and my sanity teetered on the edge; a hairbreadth's away from having myself tug locks out of my head.

My mother always told me, the curse of folks like her and me (and some), is that we care too much. We put others before anything regarding us. And while all this is going on, the other people could not give a good gorramn about us. It's kill or be killed; but here I am rubbing the edge of the knife with sandpaper, dulling it to bluntness to parody the act of killing. While from behind me a knife slices the air to lodge in my back. I turn with chagrin, and yet put smile on my face. I would probably even tell them what a nice job of stabbing they did. It's painful alright; heck, I am more perceptive to it in wanting to avoid it. However, I am not built to hurt, I cannot, but I am built for it. I cannot give, but I can take; but at the cost of permanent resident demons.

My head was hurting. The quietude of the night a polar opposite to the recesses of my mind. And on nights long before the present, when demons came to visit just like this night, I'd stay up and play cards (Spider solitaire, to be exact) while I tire my mind into surrender; to a point when even the clanging of the bells could not penetrate the wall of utmost exhaustion. Sometimes, on weaker nights, I find myself crying in frustration, not knowing what to do; hating the silence solitude brings, shadowboxing, wishing for comfort.

For everything I believe I am, for everything people say I am, for every strength they tell me I have; at the end of the day, there is a comfortador in me. And this is what I am. That is what I need.

I disentangled myself from the blankets and various people bunking in Fidzy's bedroom and tiptoed to the door. Fumbled downstairs in the darkness, heading towards the muted glow of the television set, my footsteps drowned by the cheers of the excited audience on tv watching Euro 2008, anticipating a goal. Well, mine was more attainable, my goal in the shape of a person lying on the two-seater couch (not the one sleeping on the three-seater cos that one belongs to Fidzy *wink wink*) in the corner, asleep. Awake or not, all I needed was that bit of solace from whatever I can get. Just some reassurance that I was not alone. And you stirred and told me to get some rest for my exam. Stubborn as I am, I sat down and stared blankly at the tv, anything to keep myself preoccupied with anything but my overworked mind. I wasn't going anywhere. And so you beckoned me into your arms, enveloping me securely, and I swear I was overcome by ataraxia. Peace. For you put up an eviction notice on the front lawn of every demon settled into my mind. Banished them as I lay in the safety of your encircled barrier. I later slept soundly, no voices to rage on at me as I slumber. Tranquility blanketing every fibre of my being, a warmth that caresses my tired limbs.

For so long I've wanted this and only this. To be at soft repose and calm. To know that all manner of crappiness can go all the way to hell with its presence. And for years I've gone without, and I cannot remember how I did. But for those precious moments in your arms, it made up for every time I was alone and in need of comfort. I've found it now. In your arms I've found serenity.

MAL
Love keeps her in the air when she oughta
fall down, tell you she's hurting 'fore she
keens. Makes her a home.
RIVER
Storm's getting worse.
MAL
We'll pass through it soon enough.

-'Serenity', the (big damn) movie

Love, LinZy~