Sup3rnality

Forgive me. I have been idling my time away pointlessly looking at clothes on eBay Malaysia and Lelong.com.my. As most would know, I have a total fetish for clothes and just cannot help myself from wanting to buy them. It's just a condition that I'm suffering from. Not that I mind...cos I love the feeling of putting on clothes that are nice (well, according to my taste that is). It's just that I sometimes tend to go overboard and buy more than what is necessary... Although, if I can say so, eversince I moved back from Kulim, I haven't had a decent baju-shopping done. Clothes here are much more expensive...But I don't worry all that much when I buy clothes, cos I never go for clothes that cost more than they should. I'm a sucker for nice, affordable clothes... Cos I don't see the point in splashing too much money on clothes knowing there are alternatives. And anyway, I don't have the figure for most of the clothes, so that would be another reason why I wouldn't be bidding on everything I see. Hehe... thank God.

But anyway, back to the point... I have been browsing eBay and Lelong non-stop and have been bidding on so many things. Although I probably would not even win most of it, because other people are bidding like crazy. But for as long as the price is affordable, I might just keep on bidding. See la how.

At the moment, the dresses are so totally getting my attention. I love wearing dresses. It's just that they're not quite convenient, cos when you're out and about, you wanna wear something that is easy to move around in...and for that purpose, I'd opt for pants or jeans. So, when looking at dresses, I like to look at dresses that can be worn with pants. The long, flowy ones or the sundresses I keep for wearing at home. Here are the dresses that I've been totally loving...

Eventhough I'm not buying any of them, and since they're not particularly convenient to wear all the time, I'm just keeping my eye on them cos they're the only ones within my budget and are nice as well.

And that's only the dresses. I haven't begun talking about the nice tops.... Again, don't worry. I've only bid on two items, and even that I might not win. Heheh...it's just a cyberspace version of window shopping.

In my wanderings and browsing, there were various ermmm, items of clothing that were really, hmmm...unique would be one way to put it. What other adjective would you use to describe nightgowns made to resemble costumes...? Costumes like a nurse, a policewoman (complete with baton and handcuffs, mind you) or a catholic schoolgirl? Pretty naughty stuff there. I'd raise my eyebrows, but me myself had my interest piqued nonetheless. I mean, I doubt I'd purchase it, but the idea certainly (in)voluntarily flitted through my mind... Erm, anyone would have that thought right? Errr.....right?

Aaaaanywaaaay......

Someone better drag me away from the laptop soon before I end up buying myself a whole new wardrobe (I solemnly swear that the schoolgirl outfit will not be included)... The clothes are just so tempting. Must...get....away....from....laptop.....

Love, LinZy~

It's the holidays. And after a semester with extra crazy on top, it's very hard to keep up the trend and have just as much a crazy holiday. So then, holidays with me is a time for reflection and long hours staring at the screen of the laptop finding things to occupy my time with.

My latest conquest in time-fillingness is reactivating my Tickle.com account. Having done that yesterday, I've been whiling my time and idle hands away with quizzes and tests of all sorts. From nicey-nice ones, to the provocative type questions. It's all in the name of bored-ism (boredom, actually; but my sister, not being familiar with it used 'bored-ism' instread), but at least it's something. There are other things I could do, of course, but more effort is involved so sometimes I pass.

Anyway, was browsing the long list of quizzes and I came across the 'How Sinful Are You? Test' and it rather struck my fancy. I mean, not that I subscribe to the idea, but I was rather piqued by the question of which one ruled over me... or perhaps how I fare in each of them. And so I took the test.

The 7 Deadly Sins were first described in the 6th Century by Pope Gregory the Great in the following ranking:

Now which one held me over the most? I did not find it surprising--I have excessive Pride. Yup, mine is right at the tippy-top. The one ranked first in the list. Said to have been the worst of the sins for it is a human being's attempt at Godliness, for being/feeling superior was thought to be an act of blasphemy in trying to rival God. But then, the test also attributes Pride to self-worth and self-respect. The fact that a person love him/herself and could not be bothered by what others think is also a sense of pride.

So, as it turns out, on a scale of 1-10, I am at a 9 with Pride, while the average person only comes at 5. And that is a whole lot of difference. But to be honest, I am not surprised. I know I sometimes come across as arrogant and self-important, often a little unfriendly... But then, if you were to know where I came from, you'd understand. Living a huge amount of your schoollife being picked on and told that you were dumb (in some subjects), lazy, unattractive etc. could put a damper on your spirits. Eventhough in my heart I knew I was better than people like them, it still hurt. So when you start fresh in a new environment, you make sure no one was gonna have the chance to put you down again. So you put on high defences, so that no one could shoot you.

So yeah, I have pride, because I feel the need to prove that I am better. And even if it's not that, it's to protect my soft squishy insides with a hard, proud outside (sounds a lil bit like M&Ms, doesn't it?).

The sceond highest I ranked at was Lust...surprisingly. I scored a 7 while the average was only 3... Thus meaning that err, hmmm, I'm...hornier than the average person. By 4 places. And on that, I have no comment...

The third highest ranking in sins is my Greed, where I got a 6 while the average only is at 4... Not so bad, as compared to the first two, where the difference was major. But I wouldn't disagree with this. I mean, wealth means alot nowadays, right? Even the most basic needs now costs so much. And with my allowance, it leaves a lot to be desired... But it doesn't mean that I never give back. I mean, I am more of a giver than a taker. It's just that sometimes I wish I had more... and I don't think I'm the only person in the world who feels so.

Gluttony ranks as fourth with me. I scored a 5 while the average is at 3. Not so bad lah...but still, that's more than the average. But heck yeah, I am guilty of eating alot things that are unhealthy rather than healthy. Dahla I am not even a sayur fan...I hardly eat greens. Yep, carnivore I am.

Next would be Sloth. Same like above, I got a 5 while the average was only 3. But according to the report, it says that it's not that I'm lazy, it's just that the space between one action to another is far between because I find it very hard to start something. The report suggests I should have more enthusiasm. I'm not sure how to respond to this... Yes, I'm more of a homebody, preferring a more laidback life... But when it comes to work, I love it. Ok, ok, yeah, a little slow at starting it, procrastinating and all, but I love it nonetheless.... Ok, I understand the assesment now.

The next is Envy, getting a 4 when the average is 2. And it says here "it indicates that you likely refrain from focusing too much on what others have, and at the same time probably don't spend alot of time worrying about what you don't have". So it's not so bad then. Like Greed, it's just that I long for a little more, but do not covet what others have. I'm pretty satisfied with what I have.

The last one, the one right at the bottom-est of my sins is Wrath. For this sin, I only got a 2 when the average is 3, making this the only one I do not have excess at. In fact, I am less wrath-y than the average. Which is well, true. I am very hard to anger. I can be very tolerant and make allowances...and I don't ever hold grudges. Which is also a curse (as mentioned in the entry 'Finding Ning Jing'), since people tend to take advantage of that and treat me anyway they want.
So, in short, my sins rank as follows:


I'd say that it's not bad... The explanations were pretty much interesting and accurate in many ways in the description of my character. But seeing how since 6 of the sins I scored more than the average, that makes me a pretty sinful person. Hehe... Not that I mind. It's just who I am.

Love, LinZy~

As soon as I wrote that last entry, I couldn't help but look through my photoblog in my laptop and scanned through the pictures and dates to see what went on during the time (when I had my N70, I took random pictures almost daily and had them sorted by date and they act as a sort of pictorial journal). And as it turns out, my initial guess of what happened during the time was right on the money, just leaving out a few minor details.

As far as being on holiday and in Kulim, that was all correct. The only part that I left out was the bit that my father who was then working for a Japanese company (Fuji Electric), was on a business trip to Japan, leaving my mom, sister, brother and me alone at home. And that posed no problem, since we love Kulim so very much (in fact, I feel more at home there than I am in Seremban) and always find ways to occupy our time. However, there were things going on during the time that caused me to not sleep at night and have huge flashlights and all manner of weapons under my pillow and all around me.

Around the area I lived in, there was an alarming rise of rape cases. It had gotten so bad that there were cases almost every night, with the rapist breaking in with the sole intention of violating the women and nothing else. You can offer him money and jewelleries but he would just brush it away. He'd rape a person at knifepoint and there was not much a person could do. And the perpetrator(s) apparently keep tabs on which household does not have an adult male living in with them or are away; hence no risk of being met with complications.

Hearing all these stories made my blood boil and hair stand on end. Scared as I was, I was furious too at how people have it in them to violate another person's dignity. I couldn't understand it. And even more than that, my father was not around...

I had my mother, my sister and myself to worry about. My brother was 12 and was more likely to scream like a girl than help in the event of trouble. And being the worrier I am, and as the eldest child, I felt it fell to me. But even without that feeling of responsibility, the thought alone was enough to keep me awake at night. And stay amake I did. In my worry, I could not sleep.

Everytime I even thought to close my eyes, I'd be awakened by the slightest sound and walk around the house searching it out. We all slept downstairs those nights without my dad, with me sleeping at the door. I had a huge flashlight that could cause a concussion, sprays that could blind, various swissarmy blades, and a bat. I know that if anyone'd attacked I would be overpowered, but like hell I'd give up without a fight.

So, for several nights, that was the routine. And in the day, I'd fall into an exhausted sleep,
taking comfort in the day; while it can still be dangerous, but at least it did not supply the cover of darkness.

It feels quite long ago now. Especially since I'm no longer in Kulim and now in Seremban... But that at least marks itself as having been progress. Dynamic. However, come to think of it, this time last year, at 2.35pm, I was probably about to sleep after being up all night....Oh well.

Love, LinZy~

Logging onto Xanga yesterday, there was a question posted on the main page that rather caught my eye. The question went: What were you doing this time last year?, or something to that effect. And I went into thought wondering what exactly occupied my time this date in the year before.

To be honest, I don't remember. I didn't go to lengths to check out the date properly, just relying on memory to see whether there was anything worth the space in my mind's harddisk. I'll probably check my journals and photos later for confirmation and will update this entry later.

For now lets go about this based solely on my Dory-like forgetfulness.

But then, thinking about it, there was not much to occupy my memory anyway. If I'm not mistaken, it was the semester holidays then, right after the short semester (just like now), and life was same old, same old. I was probably in Kulim then, either lazing about at home, at my siblings' school waiting to pick them out or out with my mom shopping or having a drink. Just another typical day at home for me, no matter where I am.

Before you tell me my life is lame, let me get to my point. I've always known that my life has been uneventful. Lifelong homebody I am. Both by choice and design. And I have been fine with that. I have always been content with what I have, and do not resent not being able to have more than what is attainable. Not that I do not dream of more, but I take what I can, a step at a time and be thankful of what I do have.

And no, you do not have the right to tell me that I do not know what I'm missing. Everything is relative. By your definition, I am probably someone who has not seen the world enough to know what I want. But what you think does not matter. This is my life, and what I want and what the people I care about want is what matters to me most. I am what I am because of my choices in life. If you cannot appreciate the way I choose to live my life, then that would mean you do not respect the person I am.

So, today in history, I was 21 going on 22, living an uneventful but contented life with a good family and wonderful friends. Anything more going on on that day would have just been a bonus, because I already was happy.

Love, LinZy~

The semester came and went.

And soon, I wouldn't have that to say anymore.

It does seem a little odd, the prospect of leaving IIUM. Not that I haven't thought about it or prepared myself for it or even fantasized about it a million times; but now that it is actually coming to be, drawing closer, the anticipation+the dread is making itself known. It's a mix of emotions, and I cannot really put it into words; and I'm not going to. I'll keep for when I really do leave IIUM. For now I'll just enjoy the 4 months that I still have.

The last 2 months have been eventful, crazy, confusing, and on top of it all, wonderful. Not for the semester itself, of course, but the events that it brought with it. The semester itself, well, let's just say I went with all the motions, not quite feeling it at all. I understand close to nothing in my Arabic 2 class...if not for my sayang's effort to teach me abit, well, my statement would go: 'I understand nothing in my Arabic 2 class...'. And then there's World Literature, a subject that I would have loved if not for the fact that colonialism/postcolonialism+feminism dominated the entire syllabus. It's just not my area. I can decipher literature fine and dandy, but if I've no passion in it's subject topic, then they just fall flat without much to bounce on.

But that's just academic-wise. The three-quarters of the semester which was not spent in class was much more fun =) The ones that have been spent with Ash, of course, there are no words for it. There were some un-fun parts, the ones that came from misunderstanding of certain parties and the like...I guess it comes with the territory, but the rest was unbelievably wonderful. It's like getting to know a new me. Or is just a part of an old me that I've never met?

Whichever one it is, I've never met Linzy in Love, and she's one helluva person to meet. And this whole semester, I've been discovering deeper and deeper depths of her that I never knew existed. It's new and it's scary sometimes and surprising and wonderful all at once. It makes me all kinds of happy; and especially happy that us happened the way it happened, sayang. I cannot explain it, but I'm thankful it did.

And Fidzy, I dunno whether I am at liberty to say it, but I think I am; I am happy that you are happy. I guess I'm not the only one rediscovering myself this semester. You 'scared' me on Friday with the shoes and everything....sigh. These 2 months have been crazy. And it's been so great hanging at your place for days on end, lepaking with you and Shu and your family, too. And in case you're wondering, yes, I still have that 'freaky' revelation/vision thing in my mind. And yes, you are so uncool now. But it's alright, I think it's a cool kinda uncool. *wink wink*

It's gonna be a very quiet holiday, having to contend with what just went on in the semester. I'm gonna be missing you alot, sayang. And all of you Twisties that I love as well. I'm looking forward to a new semester on the 7th... New adventures and craziness and twistedness. Aaah, a perfect way to end my IIUM stint with a bang....ermmm, not that kind. I meant the other kind, you know, the kind that just explodes and just...ooh, nevermind. Thanks for the wonderful semester... Now to await the exam results... I hope this won't be the first time I'd have to repeat a paper.

Love, LinZy~