Sup3rnality

Wednesday, 11.45pm, Seremban.

There are just some times when I feel like I want to sleep and not wake up until, well, I don’t know when. Why? Well, the reason would be because the more I sleep the less I have to think. And thinking is so not a good idea right now. Whenever I think, I am pulled into a vortex of pain where I can’t even find my own way out. There I will be stuck in perpetual pain. And the only remedy is sleeping it away.

I can’t even start to describe why I feel like this. Only one thing triggered my thoughts, but with that, came a chain reaction of disturbing thoughts that will build up and threaten to eat up my mind from inside. Whenever I even think, I would end up staring into space and ponder just how in the world things could come to this.

I know that the things I go through are only minor. I’m sure that there are many more unfortunate people who go through worse things than I do, but to me, this is the worse phase I’ve ever went through. I’m not talking about adolescence, but more of like the phases in my life’s chronology. Adolescence to me is something easy that is over-rated. To me it’s not as hard as it seems, it’s just how you look at it and how you live it that makes a difference.

So, back to the topic. My dad, he’s getting more and more paranoid. Me, being the over-protected kid that I am, I am pretty used to it. In fact, I’ve nothing against him in being so bloody wary of my where-abouts. But ever since the day one of my best friends, Hamzah, took me to watch Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, he turned into this doubtful person of my honesty. He got so bloody angry for me going out with a guy without him knowing. It’s just that, to me, Hamzah is just one of my bestest friends, and going out with him is just like going out with the girls and I did not find it necessary to tell him specifically who I was going out with. Even if I told him, he wouldn’t even let me go at all. And since it was just Hamzah, I figured it isn’t anything drastic and so I didn’t really mention who it was. But nooooo…. When he found out, he just has to become paranoid and go think that I’m doing ‘stuff’ with the guy. Oh come bloody on, he has raised me for like what? 18 years? And he still can’t understand me. I’m not some loose slut who’d just go do things with any guy who catches my fancy.

What I’m trying to say that is, ever since then, whenever I mention going out, in his head, he probably is thinking that I’d be out with some guy. Well, even if I was out with some guy, that doesn’t mean we’re groping and such. Damn it! I just can’t understand him! So, when I went to Shah Alam to go lepak with the dudettes today, he start questioning on what the hell I’m doing and such. I was in Shah Alam for only 2 days and he thinks I’m using all my free time doing God-knows-what! For God’s sakes, during the 3 days in Shah Alam, I woke up at 12pm, and since I was alone in the house, after bathing, I walk around semi-naked and have a movie marathon. And me being semi-naked doesn’t even necessarily mean I’m doing ‘things’. I watched Lord of the Rings, Cold Mountain, Secondary Lion, Buffy and so much more. What? He thinks I’m inviting the mailman in or something? And then he calls me up and insists that I come back to Seremban right after I meet up with Sarah and Fidz. And the thing was, we are gonna go to Kelantan on Friday and so we’ll be going to Shah Alam to meet up with my auntie and uncle so that we can push-off together. So wasn’t easier if he just allowed me to stay in Shah Alam til then? Besides, I wanted to meet up with one of my close friends who’ll only be back from MMU on Friday, but my dad just had to have his bloody irrelevant suspicions about me.

I really don’t understand him. He used to be all “the world is a bad, bad place. Don’t trust anyone”, but now, it’s as though he doesn’t trust ME. And that hurts me a lot. I’ve never done anything that might cause him to lose trust in me. Never! Call me a goody-two-shoes but I don’t care. I guess that’s what I am. But, why in the world must he suddenly think that I’m looking for trouble? Do I really look like someone who’d just strut up to a stranger and be suggestive? I really don’t know la that father of mine. But of course, despite all that has been said and done, I still love him. Yeah, we don’t talk that much since he’s very much a reserved person who is so hard to talk to but heck, I love him all the same. And sometimes, he can just be so funny, contradicting how he can be at mostly other times. But of course, what he thinks of me now is so hurtful. I can’t even begin to say how much. And you know what? That’s just the root of my problems. From that one thing about my dad, so many else was prompted. But hey, that’s for another entry altogether.

With all these things going on in my head, I feel like just sleeping life away. It’s not that I want to die. Nope, I still have too much to do before I die. I don’t even pray regularly and so wanting to die is so out of the question. No… I want to sleep and keep on sleeping and wake up to find that I have passed that part of my life. I wanna wake up to a time where I’m older, stable, and have slept the complicated part of my life away. But of course, that is just wishful thinking. If life was that easy, the world would have been in one helluva chaos.

For now, as it is 12.23am, I’ll find solitude in a night’s sleep then. Hopefully tonight’s sleep would drown the thoughts that have been swirling in my mind the whole day today. Who knows what tomorrow would bring? Hasta manana, I’d settle in fighting my current thoughts and forget about the troubles tomorrow has to offer. Tomorrow will be another battle. So, goodnight. Oh, and before I go, speaking of swirling, I remember what a friend of mine, Alfred, just told me over the phone while I was in the train back to Seremban. He told me that he saw Jesus swirling in his cup of coffee. And that just gave me an idea for a poem or song: “I saw Jesus in my cup of coffee” or something to that effect. Hehehehe… I haven’t written anything for so long and that phrase just gave me some inspiration (although what I usually intend to write doesn’t usually come out as planned). Cheers mate! Thanks! So, well, goodnight, goodnight. A thousand times goodnight!

Love, LinZy