Sup3rnality

I have a million and one words that I would love to put into writing. Unfortunately, with the existence of my blogs, I have ceased to write in my actual journal because a) it's too tiring to write about the same thing twice, and b) I've gotten so used to typping everything out that I actually dread writing it all down by hand. Me, tired of writing? Now that is blasphemy.

And since we're in that vein of thought; the million and one things would seem blasphemous to be made concrete. They involve the neurons in my brain working overtime connecting with one another in harmonious fashion to give birth to a bundle of sinful words. Everything from paganism to eroticism, sharpening the dull edge of words that cut like a knife. All inspired by my hell-bent mind with the help of, well, some other inspiration *dangerous smile*

Ah well, they're not even written down yet. They're just there teasing my mind to bring my fingers to tap them down onto the screen. But they'll be substantiated when the need arises. For now, let them play in my own personal playground.

~Linzy

You were Friday morning's embers
But January's fire.
I stoked the flames while
I set you alight on the pyre.

(I lied when I said I hated the smell of smoke in the air)

You rose from the ashes
Without the demon in your soul.
It was purged in the fires
And yet you still stay cold.

(I need to wash the smell out of my hair)

You led me from the rain
Spun me over, gone insane.
I'm much too dizzy, now
I cannot go again.

(You think I don't, but I care)

The song has stopped
The dance has ended for this night.
I'll hum the tune from time to time
And remember how everything's bright.

(I think the world's too big to bear)

~Linzy

For many years of my life, especially during those crucial formative years, many took pleasure in putting me down.

I had a (religious) teacher who loved insinuating that I was a lost cause and had that expression that she would have spat on me when she found out I was the best student in class that year. She protested such a scandalous thing, the fact I scored better than the rest. She looked at me with such hatred, shaking her head in disbelief. I was 7 years old.

Another teacher loved picking on me when I made the slightest bit of mistake. While her favourite students (she favoured the popular, beautiful ones; especially the boys) would get a pat on the back and she'd say "Takpe, takpe. Cikgu paham...", I would get a violent pinching while she looked me in the eye, hoping I'd cry. I never gave in.

I got my hair pulled when a religious teacher saw me without my head scarf. It would have been called harassment, too bad it wouldn't be regarded so, here.

There were guys I knew who thought it their civic duty to come up to inform me "Kau ni buruk kan?" (You're ugly, aren't you?) or "Muke kau ni pelik" (you have a weird face). And even worse, when it accidentally leaked out that I had a crush on some guy (who thought it a disgrace to have me liking him), the guy had his friends tell me that I wasn't good enough, that I was not up to his standards.

"Apesal kau gemuk sangat?"
"Pelik lah kau ni"
"Bodoh"
"Kau ni hitam lah. Buruk"
"What makes you think you're important? That you even matter?"
"Kau ni mesti tak tau agama, kan?"
"Ade orang ke nak suke kat ngkau ni?"
"Kau cakap klakar lah"

I think I've heard enough for one lifetime.

Thankfully, some part of my mind, even at a young age, never computed such words to be true. I had a family who constantly reminded me of my strengths, and I believe I had them. I knew I was better, and I knew that such people, in their pathetic need to feel better about themselves, needed to feel that power of insulting others to feel a false sense of strength. I knew that.

But then...when such hateful words are drilled hard into your mind from young over and over, it would get under your skin. It would undermine some part of your confidence and make you question the foundations you lay your strength on.

The thing is, while I know that I am better than others that they think, I get shaken sometimes. No matter how strong I believe I am, when you hear it one too many times, you start wondering: "If so many people say it, maybe it's true?" And it rattles me. Makes me wonder if anything I've done ever was worth anything at all.

What I'm trying to say is that, I don't need this. I don't need this crap. It's not funny, and I do not enjoy having my not-idealistic features be pointed out.

Like today, it hurts to hear you make fun of me. I know what I'm not. I do not have the perfect body, perfect skin... I know it. I see it in the mirror everyday. But I've learned to live with it and appreciate what I have. Why can't you? I'm the one that has to live with it, why is it bothering you so? Am I so embarassing to you?

I hate this, I hate having to hear insults hurled at me, bringing back memories of dark times. I hate having to relive those words that break down yet again these pillars I've built. I hate that people are so shallow that how you look determines everything that you are. How the way you look is all they will see first, and the rest comes later.

I don't effing need this. I'm not beautiful, I effing know that. I don't need you advertising it. I don't need you laughing and making jokes about it. I don't reed to be effing reminded. I've enough psychological Post-it Notes all over my brain to remind me of my ugliness til the day I die. So can you just stop?

My self-esteem is already constantly on edge, wondering which way to jump. A see-saw of emotions unsure on which way to stay. One day I can be strong, on another I'd be questioning whether I'm good enough. I don't need this.

So, please. I've battled my demons, and I have my scars. They're not pretty as they are, so there's no need to be scratching on them to open up old wounds and sprinkle salt all over. I don't need to feel them again, and have added insult to injury.

And anyway, since we're on this topic of my self esteem; I'd just like to say, to whoever it may concern, what I wrote before holds true. I do not need people to question me and my work. I've had my worthiness questioned and broken down too many times to have a person who should know me better question me. It was uncalled for, the way you questioned my ability to finish my work; especially when you had to even wonder whether I would jeopardize other people. For someone who *should* know me better, that question was not needed. The fact that you did not believe I was capable, points to you not knowing me a single bit.

Alright, I think I went on more than I thought I would... But then, I was just feeling pissed. Sorry for the long rant, but I just needed to get stuff off my chest.

Oh, I'd just like to add that I am thankful for the people that I have in my life who love me as I am, warts and all. My family, my friends, my Sayang... I'm lucky to have you all to make up for the stupidity in this world.

Love, Lin~

I decided to revive this blog after a very long absence...

The last entry I posted up here was in 2004, methinks. I was thinking, since I have so much time on my hands nowadays, and the wireless connection here at my place causes my main blog site, Xanga, to load excruciatingly slow; I best get this one up and going again so to post my entries faster. After that I'll just post them again on Xanga when the connection's ok. Plus, I get to connect to others easily here since many bloggers I know use Blogspot. So yeah, here I am.

Do be patient with me while I painstakingly re-post all my entries from Xanga to here. I've had Xanga since 2003, so, that's quite a few to copy+paste. But I guess it'll be easier to have a secondary blog that can connect easily to others as well as get more traffic, so... I'll try my best to juggle between the two.

Well, ta.

<Sup3rnal Thoughts: Xanga>
<Sup3rnal Thoughts: Blogspot>

Love, Linzy~

Late last night, or should I say this morning, since it was already about 5am; I was bitten by this tiny black bug with wings. Oh wait, let me correct that statement: I was bitten twice by this tiny black bug with wings. The first bite was on my right forearm, cos the bug apparently got stuck underneath it. The second came from nowhere, and the next thing I knew there was a burning, stinging sensation on my left elbow.

Damn, I thought to myself.

From young, I have been absolutely allergic to certain bug bites. Especially bugs that carry a sting. The allergic reaction, at its mildest would cause a swelling around the area of the bite. While at its worst, my entire body would be covered by huge bumps that would keep on swelling. In the worst case scenario, I could suffocate and die due to the swelling as it would cause my throat to be constricted from breathing in air.

For some reason I didn't have any allergy (antihestamine) pills handy like I usually would, so I decided to wait an hour and see what reaction I would have to it. If it got bad, I'd wake my parents up. If not, well, nevermind then. Within the hour, it didn't spread to my entire body, and all I felt was a mild prickly sensation on my skin. The bites just swelled up likke crazy and stayed that way, and didn't affect me in whole. The next thing I knew, I was asleep and woke up about 9.30am.

I checked my body, and there was nothing amiss. The swellings were still there, red and angry, and so swollen it looked like it was some flesh separate from my body and glued on to me (ok, eew, I know). But then, the prickly sensation has gotten worse. The palms of my hands felt like they were on fire, and my skin felt stingingly painful in places. I had a quick shower and got my mom to bring me to the clinic. My body was hurting so bad.

I was considered an emergency, so I bypassed everyone else in the clinic and got into the doctor's office. His name was Sam and he looked like he was 19. I was tempted to ask where his father was and why his father would let him take over today. The fact that he wore jeans and a very casual orange t-shirt make me feel even more doubtful. But he was good, he knew what he was talking about and dealt with everything swiftly.

He told me he had to give me an allergy jab, and so he began to administer it. I braced myself for the gorram huge measurement of dosage (the pressure of the syringe pumping in the dose into my veins was frickin painful). It took my mind off the pain of the allergy cos damn, the jab was so damn painful. My entire arm went numb and lost all sensation. They felt heavy and lifelessand all I could do was drag them along with me.

When I got home at about 12pm, I got upstairs and into bed, tried calling Ash a few times but fell dead asleep in the process. The next thing I knew I got a phone call from Ash just before 1pm asking what it was. I told him what happened and then just collapsed again til 4pm when Ash messaged me and my sister waking me up to eat some food.

I'm much better now, although the swelling on my arms has yet to go down. My arms are still somewhat numb but not painful. I have to take about 7 pills in one go everyday for 5 days, so I think I should be ok. Argh, I hate bugs.

Oh, by the way, I caught the stupid bug that bit me and out it in plastic bag and squished it do death. So there.

Love, Linzy~