Sup3rnality

Is it too much to ask to be able to go on with my life without having to look back and ponder what-ifs and cry? Why does the past haunt me endlessly? And worse of all, why do I still cry?
Why do I still cry for ghosts whom have long ago left their haunts and wander somewhere else? Why do I cry their loss? Why should I? Why why why? When these ghosts have already forgotten that part of their once-before life?

I woke this morning from a wonderful dream I would have rather not have. It reminds me of what I can't have, what I lost, what will never be. And it was so vivid that Sarah said I was laughing and stuff in my sleep. I was so happy yet so sad. I wanted cherish that supposed incident forever... But I woke up to find out that it wasn't real. Not at all... It was just a dream. Only a dream... It only happens in dreams...

I can't get it out of my head. I can't... I just can't.

I'm sorry for being weak. I'm sorry for even feeling this. Damn it, why should I even feel this? I shouldn't. I promised myself that I wouldn't. But I miss you. Forgive me for that.

It’s Thursday again, and the knowledge itself gives me an immense sense of relief. I get to go home today and get away from this God-forsaken place. But best of all, I get to watch Buffy tonight (Yaaay, I get to watch Spike!)!!! Tonight’s episode is “First Date” where Buffy goes out on a date with Principal Wood and Xander goes out with a dudette he met at a hardware store or something. Later they find out that Principal Wood’s mom was actually a slayer (the one Spike killed in the train) and that (as usual) the dudette Xander went out with (which is played by Ashanti, by the way) is actually a demon. Hehehe…I so can’t wait.

Ok, so enough with the Buffy speak…*Sigh* I’ve been a bit tired lately. Not the physically, I-want-to-sleep-now type of tired. It’s more of the mental kind; the kind that drives you crazy cos there’s all these thoughts in your head that you can’t get out and it makes you toss and turn in your sleep… That’s the kind I mean. The thing I’ve been getting tired of are the people who think they know me but actually don’t. I’ve come to realize that there are quite a number of these people.

I’ve never realized their existence, or maybe I have; it’s just that I’d rather pretend I don’t hear them and overlook the entire matter. But I guess I’ve let them off too easy. Now they think it’s ok to talk however they want to me, whether rudely or sarcastically, thinking I would find them funny when it’s at my expense; just cos they think I’m so easy, such a pushover, so laid-back cos I hardly ever get mad; just cos they think I’m their “friend”, they can treat me however they want and I’ll always be ok with it cos they are my “friend”. I have feelings too people. Just cos I’m very lenient and don’t hold any grudges or hard feelings against anyone doesn’t mean I don’t get hurt by words or remarks or don’t get angry altogether. It’s just that I choose to think that people don’t really mean it and that it is a slip of the tongue. But then again when you say it over and over again like a broken record, trying to bring me down, how can I say that it is a slip up?

I’ve always had this problem… Where people say, “Oh, Hazlin’s a very nice person. She NEVER gets angry.” I get that a whole lot. And it tires me. Back in school people will ask me for help with work, usually it would be about their English homework and I’ll help out the best I can. Yes, I always help, no matter if I’m busy or not at that time. And it’s not cos I’m being insincere about the help I gave that I am saying this, it’s just that when *I* ask for help, especially in Accounts, they would say they’re busy or they don’t know and ask me to ask someone else when in truth they have finished that particular exercise and just can’t be bothered to share. Well, I dropped Accounts later; but not without shedding light on something: now I know who my real friends are.

And back to what I said about bringing me down with words; yeah, I’ve been getting tired of getting that from people. They make me feel worthless. I may be hard to anger or hard to displease, but if there’s one thing that gets me down instantly is being put down, looked down upon, and made insignificant. Whether some of you people meant it as a joke, all I’m saying is that think before you actually say them. How would you feel if I actually said to you? Repeatedly at that. Wouldn’t you be offended yourself if I were to say the same thing about your family? Don’t you ever think that before you say anything? Or are you the kind of person who only thinks of him or herself and couldn’t give a damn about other people’s feelings?

I don’t want to be angry. I don’t like being angry. But sometimes some people just ask for it. I am not a subject for ridicule so you’ll feel better about yourself. And even if you have to do it, keep my family out of it. It’s enough that you make me feel like some uneducated bitch from the other side of the universe; do you have to insult my family as well? And to make it worse, these people who say this are my friends. Heck, if that’s the case, I have more respect for the Bitch(es) on Patrol™ then.

I understand that some people say these things to feel good about themselves. And I also know that some people say it without realizing that it is an insult; and even if they do know, they think it’s ok to say it thinking that I’m so nice, I wouldn’t get offended or that I’ll laugh along just cos they’re my friend and that I’ll never be cross with the. Bull.

That’s why I can’t wait to go back for the weekend. Although it’s only for 3 days, it’s enough time to make me feel ok again and ready to face another mentally-trying week on the Holy Grounds of the Hellish Grounds.

So to all you people, friends, supposed friends, people who don’t like me (cos well, I don’t have any enemies. and even if I do, it's cos they don't like me. So that's their problem) and strangers alike; have a safe (Fizzy, when I say safe, for you, I know it can mean a thousand other things) weekend. Love you all.

Love, LinZy.

If opportunity knocks, is it ok to hesitate to open the door? Or are we to open the door without a moment’s thought? But then again, maybe the precise word is not “opportunity”. I think it’s more like a second-chance, a second chance to do something over again. Must I just welcome it in without even thinking whether this “second-chance” is still needed, whether it is still welcome? It’s confusing. Second-chances usually have a shelf life…

When I say second-chance, I mean it in a way that you are given a second-chance to experience something again; to experience again something which you have lost. I don’t mean it in a way that you are able to go through something again so you can correct your past mistakes. So…would you take this “chance”?

No, it’s not that I am given this option… I was just pondering this idea. The thought just made itself apparent in my mind and it made me think, it made me wonder. It’s just that I have been waiting, no, hoping that this chance would come along; but now I wonder whether I still want it. Somewhere in me, there’s this wonder that makes me long for the chance to relive a certain lost portion of last year in a different way. But another part tells me that I no longer need this chance to reach a sorta finality.

It’s just confusing… And eventhough I do not want to because it is absolutely pointless; I wrestle with these two separate opinions. I am not in need of a particular choice. It’s just my thoughts going wild. And yet I still have to torture myself with these thoughts… *sigh*

Anis’ birthday was on the 9th of August on Monday… I wanted to post an entry sooner dedicated to my dear friend Anis on her birthday but well, due to my Dad’s procrastination in getting a phone line and a net connection, I am netless for a week. And I so wanted to send an e-card or something… But I manage to send her an SMS though. I hope that makes up for it Anis… So, I know this is like super late to write but what the heck? HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY ANIS!!!! Love you loads! I’ll see you soon ok? *Hugs and kisses*

Ugh….2 more months and I am out of this Hellhole aka Holy Grounds aka UI…. Well, you know the rest. I just can’t wait. Well, Gombak is another thing altogether but at least the place there is more liberal. I don’t think they’ll treat us like inmates there…

Actually, besides that stupid piece of mind-confusing thought I had that disturbed my already quite disturbed thoughts, there has been nothing on my mind. Well, there is that nagging at the back of my head telling me to start on my BTQ assignment, but that doesn’t count. Procrastination is an acquaintance of mine. When we’re hanging out, I do his biding; which is like nothing.

So, what has been on my mind? Hmm…… I’ve been listening to these following songs excessively for reasons unknown:

1.“Broken”- Seether feat. Amy Lee
2.“Pretty Good Year”- Tori Amos
3.“Hold On”- Sarah McLachlan
4.“I Shall Believe”- Sheryl Crow
5.“Always”- Bon Jovi
6.“You Belong To Me”- Jason Wade
7.“Nothing I’ve Ever Known”- Bryan Adams
8.“Fallen”- Sarah McLachlan
9.“Write Me A Song”- Edwin McCain
10.“Song To Sing”- Hanson

These songs are practically on permanent repeat, especially Hold On. I guess it’s just comforting. All these songs are of the easy listening variety. Hopefully I didn’t make the neighbours crazy with my sometimes off-key singing way into the night until…well, 5am or so. Hey, I am not that bad at singing you know. It’s just that I can’t reach the high notes when singing Sarah Mclachlan’s songs. But I do have a trophy to prove that I could sing to save my life *blushes*. Man, I still can’t believe I did that singing thing in front of my entire school 5 years ago… Heheh, Ayus, if you’re reading this: remember all that singing practices we used to do at my house? And then we actually sang! Song to Sing by Hanson… Remember how I kept forgetting the second verse, the one where I had to do solo? You wrote the lyrics on both my arms and I had to hold my arms out to keep from mucking up the lyrics. Hahah…those were the days. We were known as the Hanson girls after that…

Did I have a good holiday? Well, so-so. I caught up with my sleep, I finished doing some computer assignment thingy I had, listened to my CDs in the comfort of my house and my “casual” clothes, and watched ALL my BUFFY DVDs… Well, not all, just certain episodes of certain seasons.

What else? Oh yeah, played “You Don’t Know Jack” on my com repeatedly. I recommend this PC game to all of you guys whom have been “well-informed” since a very young age due to excessive reading or excessive exposure to the real world. It’s a gameshow type of game where you have to answer some trivia questions which are either lewd on its own, or is just asked in a dirty manner. This question I got, I had to categorize these name of toys as either children’s toys or well, uhh… the-opposite-of-children’s toys. And I got it all correct… Oh, come on, I’m not as perverted as you think. I *happen* to get it all correct. Besides, the names were so obvious… As if some sicko would name a child’s toy--- Uhh, I think I’d better stop.

And besides that, nothing else. No shopping, no hanging out, no excursions or what not. But it’s ok with me. I prefer just chilling at home. Just me in a tank top and shorts and there’s no need to get worried that some sexually depressed (excuse the term) woman from the college’s office would come up to me and start lecturing about the proper attire in the college… Yes, non-Hellish Grounds citizens, no tank top or shorts allowed; even if you’re just gonna wear it to bed. I dunno whether it applies to the guys, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it did.

Hmm…I seem to be obsessed with quite a number of things these days… I just realized that. A few of these things are:

1.“Glow” perfume by J-Lo (I love this perfume…me and my mum practically fight over the tiny bottle that I have)
2.Cadbury’s Picnic Chocettes (the absolute YUMMM!)
3.Clothes that have strings or that which require tying
4.Buffy, Angel & SPIKE (so what else is new?)
5.Justea with Aloe Vera

Heheh…I did hang out after all (this portion of this entry was added later). I dropped by Shah Alam before I came here to the HGs so I managed to get in touch with some old friends of mine. I hung out with Fairuz and Nasyrah in Shah Alam Mall, catching up on stuff. Yup, us three Hanson Girls… Yeah, I sung with them those 5 years back… heheh… I haven’t met up with Nasy for over a year. It’s good to see her again. And after that, after Fairuz and Nasy left, I met up with Alfred. Yup, I haven’t seen that dude in months. It was good to catch up on things. Just to know what’s been going on, what’s new and all the other things I do not know… I had a great time meeting up with old friends. Too bad Iylia couldn’t come with us. Heh, I’ll see her some other time then. Anyways, thanx for the great time guys. I miss you guys loads.


*Sigh* Back on the Hellish Grounds I am. It brings relief and tiredness at the same time. Tiredness because of the stupidity of the entire place and of certain people; and the relief comes from the knowing that I have to endure this place for just another 2 moths. And then it’s freedom… Well, not really… but I’ll take whatever’s better than this. Gombak is surely better than this.

I’m slowly going more and more insane staying in this place. Last last week I spent almost 2 hours in the corridor outside my room singing and jumping around at 2am. Sarah was laughing her head off in the room and I was knocking the door repeatedly, each time pretending to be someone else. I even raced her to the room from the 4th floor at 1am... Damn, this place is consuming my brain. I don't recall being this retarded sometime back...

So okie dokie then… here is where yours truly will sign off. Love all of you guys (whom I know)…. Take care!

On this same date, 5th of August, last year, 2003, a traumatic incident scarred Julia, Sarah, Lina and me… WE GOT STUCK IN THE BLOODY SCIENCE BUILDING LIFT!!! We were happily talking in the lift after Arabic class as it started to descend when it suddenly stopped, right in between two floors. We really panicked; especially Lina who started screaming for help. The guys who were still on the top floor peered at us from the upper floor of the 2 floors we were stuck between; and they were snickering at us. I was quiet at first, trying to figure out how in the world we were gonna get out of that predicament when the lift started to plunge quite fast to the bottom. At that moment I really thought we were done for cos, well, falling from that height…surely the impact would be fatal. So, Julia gave her phone to me (cos well, knowing me, I almost never have enough credit) and I dialed the number that was under the logo of the lift company. While I was trying to be calm and explain the situation we were in, the lift suddenly started to slowly and normally move downwards and opened its doors on the ground floor where Anis was laughing her head off. We shaken and relieved came out of the lift and at first were trembling; then we looked at each other and laughed like a bunch of crazies together with Anis. And then, Julia said “God was trying to tell me something” and we laughed more… Now, one year from that incident, I’m happy to say that we still are very much alive and kicking and Julia is another year older. Yes, the incident with the lift happened on Julia’s birthday. And she’s probably reading this and laughing remembering that silly day we had. And with that I want to wish you Julia a very HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY!!! Cayang you!!!!

(Sigh) I have a computer exam tomorrow and I haven’t studied squat. I’m just so lazy. All I ever do these days is play lame games like “Same Game” and read Angel and Buffy transcripts. And even worse, I sleep and sleep and sleep. I just hate that. It makes me feel so useless.

Oh, but I finally got permission to go back a day earlier, meaning that I am able to go back on Thursdays instead on Fridays. So I’m not gonna miss any Buffy episodes after all. Yaaay! No more missing Spike…Hehehe… But then again, I could no longer go online floor 3 hours on Thursday nights… Don’t worry though, I’ve decided to go online every Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons to make up for Thursday.

Oh, I forgot to tell the whole Picture Taking Bangladeshi incident. You see, last Saturday in Sunway Lagoon, my dad’s company had their family day. It coincided with another company’s family day and this particular company had loads of foreign workers. So you could say that the place was crawling with Vietnamese, Bangladeshis, Burmese, Indons etc. And these people, they were snapping photos of themselves happily next to a bunch of flowers, the pool, some kiddie ride and even next to a lamppost. Lamppost? Yup, a lamppost…WITH ME IN THE BACKGROUND. I only realized too late that they were trying to get pictures of me. Even after they have walked quite far off, they were still zooming their cameras on me and snapping photos. And before you think that I’m just boasting that some dudes wanted to take pictures of me, let me explain to you why I’m telling you this story in the first place. Well, Fizzy came up with this theory that it happened to me thanx to my mischievousness. You know how I like to secretly snap photos of my lecturers that I don’t like and totally disfigure them. She thinks it’s a punishment…Heheheh…. Yeah, I have to agree, it must be a punishment. As flattered as I was that some people actually want pictures of me; I am peeved by the fact that pictures of me are in some stranger’s album…Eeeew….

Hmm….for some weird reason, the other day while I was in the car listening to the radio, I cried when “Angels” came on. It was all very sudden and the next thing I know I had tears flowing freely. OK, fine, I know why it happened, but I didn’t expect something like that would happen. Sure I get a sudden rush of emotion but usually that’s just about it. That particular day, I dunno, maybe I was feeling a bit vulnerable.

I do not like to say that I hate my life. I hate being so negative. I love my life but sometimes the things that stand in your way, posing as hurdles are so unbearable that it just breaks you. There are times when things just come to you unbidden and mar your entire day and make you fall into misery. Just a few minutes ago I received something that just wiped off whatever trace of happiness away from my face. There are just so many things up in my head disturbing me, and then, yet another comes in without knocking, unwelcomed. Makes me so sad, so angry. Sometimes, I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up until everything bad has come to pass. I want it out of my head. Out. Out. OUT!

There were more things that I wanted to say. More thoughts I wanted to put into writing, but I can’t anymore. Not now that is. The thing that came charging at me a while ago has rendered me sad and angry. So maybe I’ll just leave you with this at the moment. And until I can sort out my head again, this shall be all.

Bye people. Good luck in your COM I exam. Have a great holiday (nevermind the fact that it’s only a week). And JULIA… HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN! *Hugs and kisses from me*