Sup3rnality

There is more to life than what we see, what we go through; or so I am told. Or so I have told myself. I’ve woken up every morning into another day of life believing that; believing that someday I will get my well deserved prize. And what and when that would be? I myself have to be patient to find out. And that’s what keeps me going; what keeps me trudging on through life. The mere faith I have that life would give me something in return for managing to battle through it.

But then, there have been so many times when I feel like I just want to let go. Just lie down and sleep a long sleep and not wake up; preferably at all. Just wish that I could escape to another alternity from all the pain that kill me each day. I have wished that time and time again. I feel that now. I wish that now. But for once, I feel this pain without a particular reason.

This feeling has been eating me up inside at an excruciatingly slow pace. It relishes on my suffering; finds pleasure in the knowledge that I go to sleep trying hard to cry my pain out. I hate feeling this way; and mostly, I hate not knowing why I feel this way.

I tried ruling out the possible reasons. It could be the thing between my ex and I, or it could be because of the sudden death of my Granduncle, or it could be the fight my parents are having with my aunt and uncle; or it could be a hundred more ‘ors’. I just don’t know what it is. And not knowing the root of all this pain means that I’ll never find the cure for it.

Before this, whatever predicament I get myself into I could rationalize it well, rationally. No matter what shit it was, I would eventually find a way out of the hellhole I fell into. But then, that occurred with me knowing what exactly was fuelling the pain and anger I had. I could stake its core and let it burn. But this time, I’m left in the dark. Even to my own life.

It is an enigma, really. I’ve spent the last 2 weeks pondering. Although pondering my life is utterly useless to begin with. It’s just the same as battling the monsters in my head head-on, without a weapon in hand. Getting out of that reverie is indeed very much a miracle likewise getting out of the battle unscathed.

But despite all this shit, I still believe in the fact that life really would pay off. I believe with my whole heart that at the end of this journey, I would reach the ultimate destination. I have to and I need to believe. If not all that will be left of me would be this hollow vessel; lifeless and just as good as dead.

You know, I don’t expect people to understand this shit I cook up in this blog. That’s just me. What I feel. I just love to riddle my thoughts with words that very much seem like an alien language. But then again, I‘m used to be known as an alien. That’s what my ex-roomies used to call me, and well, a whole lot more of other people. The only comfort I get in letting people read this is the feeling of release of knowing that I’ve let it all out.

You see, I’ve never been good at talking one-on-one, face-to-face. I get scared; afraid of being scrutinized. That also explains the fact why I can never look people in the eye when I talk to them (I know that this fact about me drives Zeph crazy). I cannot open up, knowing people are right there in front of me, gauging my every emotion, expression. And it’s the lack of bleeding my heart out for people to see that had made me an Ice Queen; and the fact that I build up my defenses too high for people to even have a peep into my existence. The Ice Queen. This too has been a name to describe me used by some. Most people even thought I had disabilities in feeling. I become placid, hollow… I hurt people and I know it, but I just don’t care; refuse to care. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel. It’s just sort of a defense I use to avoid from being made vulnerable. It’s safe. It’s predictable. I don’t have to surrender to my emotions only to let them crash and burn.

So that’s why there’s this blog thing. I know I was doubtful of it at first. I said I’d rather stick to the conventional pen-and-paper way. But in private journals, only you and you alone know about the going-ons in your life. There may be release, but in a different way. In a private way. In a blog, I am able to express myself to my friends in ways I would never dare to do so in their company. And for that, I am thankful for this blog, this medium.

Again, I’ve let my heart bleed onto this screen for all to see. For all to analyze. But shockingly, I am comforted by that revelation; knowing that I am opening myself up, just like I promised myself. Well, it’s like 3.30am now. My mom would be pounding on the door tomorrow morning if wake up late again. So goodnight people… thank you for your time.

I love you all-LinZy.

“Bitter” 3.53am, 28h May 2004

I wanted to devour you
I wanted to let you see my insides
Let you see my bleeding heart
I thought maybe you’d mend it
So I did
And I choked
Choked on your lies
Your marrow inside your bones
Which I thought were sweet.
You taste like fruit yogurt gone bad
So revolting I wanted to spit you out
Yet I still wanted to swallow you
Though all I wanted was to throw up
Now you have left a bitter aftertaste
No amount of water could wash you down.
I wonder who consumes you now.
I hope she chokes on you.
I hope you choke on her.

For the first time in years, I’m starting to feel utterly depressed again. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. The last time I felt like this I had a terrible nervous breakdown. It's eating me inside. I constantly feel like crying, but of course, I can’t. That luxury has been lost to me a long time ago.

I don’t know why I feel like this. It's unexplainable. I guess the loneliness gives me lots of time to think. And all this thinking is only killing me. I need to get free.

"Crucify"- TORI AMOS

Every finger in the room
is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell our now
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what God needs
One more victim

[Chorus:]
Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Got a kick for a dog
Beggin' for Love
I gotta have my suffering
So that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You're just an empty cage girl
If you kill the bird
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start
my own religion
Please be
Save me
I cry

[Chorus:]
Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains

It's the holidays. One and a half months of totally nothing. Here I am stuck in this sad of the universe when I could have be in Shah Alam happily going around whether with my friends or on my own and don't have to give a shit about things that could happen. I mean, of course it could happen. But I guess after living there for 18 years, you kinda know what goes around in their mind. You learn to differentiate the people. Here, you have to be wary of everybody. There are loads of foreign workers who leer at you every chance they get, there are pick-pockets, perverts, Mat Rempits.... You just don't feel secure here. Even when my mom wanted me to join her for a jog this morning I had to decline. In just don't feel safe... I guess I'll just have to hold up. My parents surprised me by subscribing to Astro (I haven't had Astro for a year since the one in Shah Alam just suddenly went dead!) so that I can watch Buffy and Angel this May and for the rest of the holidays. But then again, that's all I watch. Nothing else. Maybe occasionally I watch Channel V or MTV, but that's about it. I’m not a TV addict so... I'd really prefer the net but I dunno when I'll get a phone line even.

This early morning, my grand uncle Pak Tok passed away. I'm not sure of what but I guess it's cos of him being weak from all kinds of illnesses and the fact that he's already old. He is one relative of mine whom I really love. He is such a great person. I guess he makes up for the f act that I never knew my grandfather on my dad's side and for the short time I knew my maternal grandfather whom I also love despite the fact I only knew him for a while (I am his first grandchild). The knowledge that I would never see him again binds me in grief. When my mom came into my room around 6.30 this morning and told me the news, it put me in shock. I couldn't cry nor could I say anything. I just looked at my mom with shock. The next thing I knew it was 10am. For a moment I thought it was a dream, alas, I had to face reality. Anyone who knew would say he is such a pleasant man. He was caring and funny and nice... I just cannot imagine anyone saying anything bad about him. No-one in my family really knows how much I love him. All they know is that whenever we're in Kelantan I'll be the one asking when we will go to his house. But I know I have so much affection for him. I only wish I got to see him one last time. All I can say now is that I wish him peace in death and may God bless his soul, Al-Fatihah.

God, I've been feeling so bored, so aimless. What am I to do?

I just finished my Arabic and MUET. They were OK I guess... assuming that I wouldn't fail Arab...MUET wasn't bad at all. The topic given was something about how to prevent petty crimes in shopping complexes. So , it wasn't actually hard to do. The arabic? Well, it was sucky since it's so difficult and whatever we studied for didn't actually come out. They actually asked old questions which we thought would not come out anymore and boy, were we wrong. Anyways, I'm trying to forget it and *try* to enjoy my holidays. Although I dunno how exactly I'm gonna do that since the holidays will be so long and boring... 2 months of absolute boredom. But I will try anyways...

Oh, and we had one fine day yesterday when we (Fizzy, Sarah, Zeph and me) hung out with Ms. Adibah aka Princess Fiona aka Ms. Evil. She looks soooo cute. We hung out a bit and talked and had fun. Well, fun as in the innocent kind.

Heh, that's all I can say for now. The cc is closing and I'm gonna go back to Seremban in a while. I also have to pack up my stuff and ship it to another room. So, I'll have to say bye for now. Til I catch sight of another PC with Internet , sayonara!

“Sleep” 8.43pm, 23rd April 2004

We sleep too much
Too drenched in the fantasy of dreams
To taste the bitterness of reality
Rapping harshly at the window.

We glide on gossamer wings
We are supernal, ethereal
But only in dreams
Behind these partitions of eyelids.

Outside, there is nothing to offer
The world crumbles outside the door
Whilst despair come a-knocking
And still we dream.

We believe in dreams
In the delicate fabric of imagination
Maybe there’s a maybe
Maybe tomorrow we’ll wake up to the sunshine.

“Contradiction” 7.56pm, 30th April 2004

Can you taste me?
Taste the irony in my bitter flavoured life?
I keep lying to you
I am not all sweet as honey in a hive
Everyday I riddle my existence with denial
I am not what I seem to be
I offer comfort yet with no shelter
I give love but have none
I cry but with no tears
My face belies my emotions
I sing yet have no voice
And I can’t give you any more than promises.
I am nothing but a contradiction
I am incongruent
Misshapen by the cruel hands of time
I am broken
I am to be spit out
Like the bad seed they say I am
Where then I may grow
Into the proverbial rose
Thorns at my side
Pricking your fingers
Untouchable yet vulnerable
That is me
Inconsistent
Like a puddle of water
I am staring through a fence
With my petals falling.

I’ve forgotten how to sleep. Every night I wrestle with the shadows as they taunt my eyelids. They refuse to yield. They defiantly stay open and torture me to exhaustion, and only then will I be able to sleep. It’s a frustrating fight; knowing that my insomnia would win. Keeping me up til the early hours of day; triumphant at the fact that sleep was able to elude me, thus leaving me with insufficient sleep.

It’s another 5 days to my Arabic finals. Although I think that I have remembered enough, there’s still the nagging fear of the possibility of failing. It’s seems easier than the first part I had to do, and yet, tricky and confusing once the paper is set before me. Insyaallah I will do OK. If not an A or a B, a pass is fine enough. Although I do hope I would at least obtain a B; for my CGPA’s sake. The MUET speaking test is also on that very same day, sometime earlier though. I hope that I would do fine in that too. I’m just worried that I would blurt out some nonsense Arabic instead of speaking my mother tongue. But honest to God, I think I’d do quite well in both. But then again, I’ve always been overly-confident and never really scored the way I thought I would. But heck, I believe that I can do it. You gotta have faith, right George?

Everything seems to be passing by me rather quickly. Even life has been picking up quite a pace lately. It’s like living in fast motion even when your own body could not keep up. It’s mentally and physically tiring. It drains you from energy silently; without the slightest trace. The next thing you know, you’re pleading for a bed to sleep in, even if you’ve just woken up. Just like right now, without realizing it, the day has passed and tomorrow will be another day. And before I know it, I’m already yawning; although it’ll be a long time until I settle into sleep.

I was talking to Dollah over the phone earlier and the subject of the new rules on campus turned up (yes, I was talking to Dollah. Stop your laughing everyone!). It left me pondering on that subject for a bit. It’s not the first time I’ve given it thoughts, and definitely not my last; but this time I’ve come to a conclusion. As far as I’m concerned, UIA is just an insane Hellhole with a cracked up system. And as much as I hate their dumb ideas, they haven’t affected me just yet. I have yet to succumb to the insanity that’s threatening to eat me by just staying there. Sure they are narrow-minded, discriminative and what not, but I have always been out of their line of fire so I haven’t much to declare war against these people. So basically, I can still tolerate these people just as long as they don’t drag me into yet another madness they have thought up to torture us with.

So, what about this new system thing? Well, it basically says that students are only allowed to go out once (or twice, as rumours have said) a week, wearing special clothes (although they’ve said they’ve reconsidered that stupidity) and the worst thing of all; students are allowed to go back only *gasp* once a month!!!! I don’t really care about not being able to go out as often and such, but I just can’t bear the fact that I would only be allowed to go back once a month. It would be absolute torture! Besides the fact that there’s nothing to do at all here in this place; tell me who in their right mind would actually want to be cooped up in this asylum?

But honestly, I myself need solace from my family every once in a while. What? With all the things that have been going on between my parents and my uncle and aunt, I just hate being the one stuck in the middle, in the crossfire. Therefore staying isn’t really an issue. As stupid a place as it can be, it offers me a bit of comfort from the confusion I have to face. Even if it has to be on some God-forsaken place, so be it. As much as I would love the luxury of staying off-campus, I wouldn’t mind staying on-campus either; provided that my parents come visit me on weekends when I can’t visit them.

*Sigh* There are lots more of other things on my mind just bubbling at the surface; ready to spill should I let them. But not tonight. I am already running low on words and by recycling them, I wouldn’t do my thoughts justice. So, this is where I’ll stop for now. And until I’ve found a better time to put my thoughts into words: Goodnight, goodnight. A thousand times goodnight”.