Sup3rnality

Wednesday, 11.45pm, Seremban.

There are just some times when I feel like I want to sleep and not wake up until, well, I don’t know when. Why? Well, the reason would be because the more I sleep the less I have to think. And thinking is so not a good idea right now. Whenever I think, I am pulled into a vortex of pain where I can’t even find my own way out. There I will be stuck in perpetual pain. And the only remedy is sleeping it away.

I can’t even start to describe why I feel like this. Only one thing triggered my thoughts, but with that, came a chain reaction of disturbing thoughts that will build up and threaten to eat up my mind from inside. Whenever I even think, I would end up staring into space and ponder just how in the world things could come to this.

I know that the things I go through are only minor. I’m sure that there are many more unfortunate people who go through worse things than I do, but to me, this is the worse phase I’ve ever went through. I’m not talking about adolescence, but more of like the phases in my life’s chronology. Adolescence to me is something easy that is over-rated. To me it’s not as hard as it seems, it’s just how you look at it and how you live it that makes a difference.

So, back to the topic. My dad, he’s getting more and more paranoid. Me, being the over-protected kid that I am, I am pretty used to it. In fact, I’ve nothing against him in being so bloody wary of my where-abouts. But ever since the day one of my best friends, Hamzah, took me to watch Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, he turned into this doubtful person of my honesty. He got so bloody angry for me going out with a guy without him knowing. It’s just that, to me, Hamzah is just one of my bestest friends, and going out with him is just like going out with the girls and I did not find it necessary to tell him specifically who I was going out with. Even if I told him, he wouldn’t even let me go at all. And since it was just Hamzah, I figured it isn’t anything drastic and so I didn’t really mention who it was. But nooooo…. When he found out, he just has to become paranoid and go think that I’m doing ‘stuff’ with the guy. Oh come bloody on, he has raised me for like what? 18 years? And he still can’t understand me. I’m not some loose slut who’d just go do things with any guy who catches my fancy.

What I’m trying to say that is, ever since then, whenever I mention going out, in his head, he probably is thinking that I’d be out with some guy. Well, even if I was out with some guy, that doesn’t mean we’re groping and such. Damn it! I just can’t understand him! So, when I went to Shah Alam to go lepak with the dudettes today, he start questioning on what the hell I’m doing and such. I was in Shah Alam for only 2 days and he thinks I’m using all my free time doing God-knows-what! For God’s sakes, during the 3 days in Shah Alam, I woke up at 12pm, and since I was alone in the house, after bathing, I walk around semi-naked and have a movie marathon. And me being semi-naked doesn’t even necessarily mean I’m doing ‘things’. I watched Lord of the Rings, Cold Mountain, Secondary Lion, Buffy and so much more. What? He thinks I’m inviting the mailman in or something? And then he calls me up and insists that I come back to Seremban right after I meet up with Sarah and Fidz. And the thing was, we are gonna go to Kelantan on Friday and so we’ll be going to Shah Alam to meet up with my auntie and uncle so that we can push-off together. So wasn’t easier if he just allowed me to stay in Shah Alam til then? Besides, I wanted to meet up with one of my close friends who’ll only be back from MMU on Friday, but my dad just had to have his bloody irrelevant suspicions about me.

I really don’t understand him. He used to be all “the world is a bad, bad place. Don’t trust anyone”, but now, it’s as though he doesn’t trust ME. And that hurts me a lot. I’ve never done anything that might cause him to lose trust in me. Never! Call me a goody-two-shoes but I don’t care. I guess that’s what I am. But, why in the world must he suddenly think that I’m looking for trouble? Do I really look like someone who’d just strut up to a stranger and be suggestive? I really don’t know la that father of mine. But of course, despite all that has been said and done, I still love him. Yeah, we don’t talk that much since he’s very much a reserved person who is so hard to talk to but heck, I love him all the same. And sometimes, he can just be so funny, contradicting how he can be at mostly other times. But of course, what he thinks of me now is so hurtful. I can’t even begin to say how much. And you know what? That’s just the root of my problems. From that one thing about my dad, so many else was prompted. But hey, that’s for another entry altogether.

With all these things going on in my head, I feel like just sleeping life away. It’s not that I want to die. Nope, I still have too much to do before I die. I don’t even pray regularly and so wanting to die is so out of the question. No… I want to sleep and keep on sleeping and wake up to find that I have passed that part of my life. I wanna wake up to a time where I’m older, stable, and have slept the complicated part of my life away. But of course, that is just wishful thinking. If life was that easy, the world would have been in one helluva chaos.

For now, as it is 12.23am, I’ll find solitude in a night’s sleep then. Hopefully tonight’s sleep would drown the thoughts that have been swirling in my mind the whole day today. Who knows what tomorrow would bring? Hasta manana, I’d settle in fighting my current thoughts and forget about the troubles tomorrow has to offer. Tomorrow will be another battle. So, goodnight. Oh, and before I go, speaking of swirling, I remember what a friend of mine, Alfred, just told me over the phone while I was in the train back to Seremban. He told me that he saw Jesus swirling in his cup of coffee. And that just gave me an idea for a poem or song: “I saw Jesus in my cup of coffee” or something to that effect. Hehehehe… I haven’t written anything for so long and that phrase just gave me some inspiration (although what I usually intend to write doesn’t usually come out as planned). Cheers mate! Thanks! So, well, goodnight, goodnight. A thousand times goodnight!

Love, LinZy

You dudettes know where I bloody am? I’m in Kelantan in a CC with a bunch of dumb kids who has no respect for other people. They are screaming their heads off thinking they are king and peeking into whatever the Hell you are doing. They are so bloody, freaking stupid. But hey, what can you expect from a bunch of kids? screw all of them!!!!! makes the ZC CC waaaaay cooler by far! but well, I don’t have the luxury to choose I guess. this is the only CC I can get to ever since the holidays. So, appreciate what I can do for now. Bloody Hell! I just wish I could give all of these guys a sound scolding. But what the hey1 I can always just slap them on their heads. they make look tough, but I think they are only about like what? Form 2? So, DAMN ALL OF THEM!!!!!

Semester Close, Sunday 08022004. Seremban

Yup, another semester has passed. Time sure moves fast, huh? I can’t believe that it has already been like about 8 months since we registered into the Holy Grounds and was bound to a life of torture… Now, 2 semesters have passed and it still feels like only yesterday when we first met.

I remember the first day of the second semester. Man, that was pure torture. Can you imagine? About 2 hours of waiting in the stuffy AMF with no air circulation, packed to the brim with students with all the pushing and line-cuts and what not. Fidz, Liyana and me almost died in there. I so was about to pass out. And then when we at last reached the bloody table to retrieve our results, we found out that we were in the wrong lane all the while and so, we had to go back! Damn! But after a while, I opted to leave. It was either us or the results and I for one vote for my own life! If it was my fate to die at that time so be it. But I didn’t want my name to be on the papers with the headlines “Death by the queue for results” or something to that effect.

With that starting of the semester, many other events followed; both good and bad. Of course, the first to follow the AMF incident was the Friendster Bulletin Board thread. That lasted for a long time didn’t it? But damn was it fun to write that stuff. It drove most of my other friends outside UIA up the wall with all the misleading titles. . Of course, my favourite title would be “Batu di Atas Neraka Berdarah”. Hehehehe….. Oh, and not to forget, ‘Sucking Sticks”. And 4 months from then, we are still on the thread thing. But we do start new ones now and again. It just got to long since, well, we just had too much to complain about this place.

We found out that most of us weren’t in the same group. Anis and Liyana were both in different classes while Julia, Zeph , Sarah, Fidz, Aaina and me were in the same group. So we were separated for once, we met only during lunch time and gaps between classes that is if our gaps were at the same time. Heheh… our classes were cool as usual, the core course classes that is. The exceptions are of course the FKM subjects. What? With Ustazah Pathetic Face and Mr. Stumpy, what else would you expect? Mr. Stumpy I can tolerate but the Ustazah? I felt like giving her a piece of my mind but too bad I didn’t get to do that. And damn, I just can’t get the April’s Fool idea Sarah had. She wanted us to parade around in Jubah’s and big tudungs and the like. Man, I really wanna do it! Who’s with me?

But the things we go through to stay alive in this place are enigmatic. It’s a wonder that we came out alive yet again. It’s been 2 semesters since we first registered into the holy Grounds, and here we are, still alive and kicking. Who knows what we are to face in semesters to come? But whatever happens, we have each other right? It’s not like we’re alone in the hardships we face. Sarah and Aaina, you guys know that should any of the things that happened to you guys happen again, we are always here to back you up. Maybe we can’t help that much, but one thing that we can assure you guys or anyone who faces anything at all, no matter whether it is in the H.G or outside, we are always here to support you.

Yup, and then there were the highlights of the semester. What were they….? I really am not so sure but many things have happened this past semester that was really memorable. Oh yeah, Anis and Ash getting together was one. Hmmm…. Zeph’s surprise birthday party was waay funny in the making of it. What? With Julia and me running off to Sect. 14 to get the stuff and getting paranoid that Zeph would be tailing us. Oh, the whole conspiracy in surprising Fidz at her performance in Atria and with the Agent Smith action figure, those proved classic results. There are definitely many more. But being me, Miss Responsible-yet-utterly-forgetful, I have forgotten so many. Add more to the list won’t you guys?

Whatever it is, this semester has been an absolute blast. I loved it. If there’s one thing I’ve gained, I’d definitely say it’s the confidence I lost sometime ago. How did I get it back? Well, I have to say with terrific people standing by me all the time. This semester, despite all the hardships is by far memorable. So, all I have to say to close this semester is: MAY WE ONCE AGAIN (NEXT SEMESTER) RAISE HELL ONTO THE HOLY GROUNDS OF UIA!

Hiya people... I'm still alive and breathing. I'm at Sarah's right now, searching for some stuff on drama while writing in this blog entry. I guess you guys haven’t heard from me in a while. What do you expect? I ain’t got no net at home! I don’t know when my dad will actually activate the phone line so... I'll just have to be patient til then.

Ugh... I hate today's exam. It was so sucky... But then again, the truth was that it was easy, it's just that I didn't bother to study properly thus I didnt get to answer 100 %. But Hell, screw it. It has passed and I soo dont wanna look back on that. Let's just pray that I will at least pass so that I won’t have to repeat the bloody paper again. Drama is in another 2 more days and prose is after.... Hmm... I wonder whether I'll study. I won’t be surprised if I don’t. I mean, I am in Sarah's house, so of course we'll end up talking rather than studying. Alaaa...it's just drama... I'm sure I'll do OK... I hope.

Hmm...at last I wrote the letter I've been wanting to send to my ex... But should I send it? I'm so worried about what his reaction would be. Please give me the strength to do this... It's now or never I guess. Just hope that I'll manage to; cos I really need to. Man, it surprises me just how mushy I can get sometimes. It's kinda weird in ways but what the hey... Once in a while ajee....

Hehehe....man, I just can't wait for the exams to be over. And then I can relax for about a month or so. Too bad I have to spend my holidays in Seremban though... But at least I'll have rest. And God, if i had the net... you would have no bloody idea how crazy I would go. I would probably not sleep even. Hahahaha....and the nearest CC is a Mat Rempit's Hangout place. There's no way in Hell will I go to that place. I'd rather go to the bloody ZC CC!!!!!!!!

Okay...actually I don’t know what to say already. I’ve run out of stuff to tell. Life has been boring... So, until my life gets more eventful, I’ll just have to keep on writing boring blog entries. So til then, keep rocking dudettes!!!!!!! -LinZy-