Sup3rnality

Once before I would have been happy with anything I put on paper. The mere task of setting the thoughts in my head in concrete writing was a cause enough for relief. A paragraph would have sufficed, whether or not it was of any substance did not matter.

But after a while, I began thinking them very shallow. I felt rather ashamed of myself for not being able to think up something more substantial than just a few lines that left much to be desired.

Eversince thinking that, I've allowed myself to put in every emotion that I can possibly spare another person to read into writing. Of course, the more personal ones are kept close and private, although I think that the ones that I do let flow are already personal on many levels. I'd write in as much detail as I can muster, and I have to say I no longer have qualms doing so.

Thinking about it now, I realize that the reason why the posts I have posted way at the beginning of my blogging days were so short was because of fear. I've always held back my feelings, too afraid to let loose with the emotions for fear of being seen weak. Those entries were pretentious; too on-the-surface to carry muh weight (now how can it when it was floating above water? Heh...). I felt naked being scrutinized, even if no-one read what I had to say...but the fact is that it was a public domain, and anyone is free to come and go and read what they want.
But now that I have managed to get past all that, I write freely without having that fear at the back of my mind that people would actually see me. Now I can fully enjoy the freedom, no longer feeling that feeling I felt way about 4 years ago.

If then I felt afraid to be laid bare, now I don't mind it. I may still be secretive about my true emotions, I may still feign nonchalance even when I'm trembling inside, I may be placid even when I am spiralling whirpool; but I find solace in the words I let myself write.

I admit, in person, it is hard for me to convey all that I want said. I find it hard to show emotion and feeling when I am in view of other eyes. But in words, I find myself easily, it all comes naturally. I am able to let forth the things I feel that I would normally hold back, I can say things I wouldn't have said in your presence. In words , I can freely let the feelings take the form I want them to without worrying about being under one's critical eye. And even if you judge me as your eyes take in line after line, at least I am no there to see your expression, to see how you react.

From this online journal thing, I have found myself my medium of expression. Sure, that's what it is to everyone else who blogs, but for me, I have really found my medium of expression. If not, I'd be trapped in my lies of not showing how I truly feel. Of course, I do have my own personal journal that holds my more intimate thoughts, but it is here where I feel a sort of freedom for I am able to let say what I held back and feel like I have actually said it to the people I aim it to for this is not a private space where only I can see. So you see, I can tell myself I have let it all out to others because there'll probably be someone reading this.

And so, I write. I write as long winded as this and don't care. The thing is, I write so the public can read what I have pent up, but they are still mine. They belong to me, so it doesn't mean just because I say what I want to say, you can play around with my words and shove it back in my face as though they were yours. There are some specific people who do this alot to me and I have a fiery hatred towards this trait of theirs. I know we have the freedom of speech, but these are my personal thoughts and feelings; you can't come to me and be rude and act as though it is yours and you can do whatever you want with it. Go get your own. If you know who you are, good; now please shut up, you have no right to take what is mine. If you don't know who you are and think that ou might be one of these people, you probably are because you do it all the time. If you have doubts, you ask me..that is, if I even bother to answer.

Bottom line is this, I worry myself so much with writing things in the most possible detail I can muster, sometimes I find myself stuck. In my drive to have everything written down in the stylings of mine, I confine myself from writing freely, allowing myself to write if and only when I can write long and thorough; and this hinders me.

So, it is only in times like these that I find myself frantically tapping my fingers on my laptop, giving words to the things I have in my mind. On other days, I'd be worrying myself over my not-writing and trying to get myself to think of elaborate ways to put my thoughts in; otherwise, I would not even post a single line.... Which has left this journal quite bare.

Oh well.... Let's hope some part of my mind would start-up and get more things down. If there is one thing that frightens me, is the thought of not bing able to give voice to all of my thoughts.

Anyway. breaking away from that vein, I have to say that I was a little miffed yesterday. You see, an assignment I had last week required me to write a comment on a passage. And so I read it and commented and when I got the paper back, the lecturer wrote that my paper is unaceptable. Honestly, this is the first time ever I've gotten something like this and it rather made me feel so stupid and puny. I was gonna see her after class and ask her what I did wrong, but I was a bit too angry to risk talking to her. I'm not really angry at her, but more of angry because I'm not clear of what is unacceptable. I know, I know, I should have asked if that is why I was mad. But I was in too huffy to do so. Really, I would have understood if it was not up to her standards or if it was not entirely what she wanted. At least, in some way it was ok and there's just part of it that was not up to scratch; but this was the whole effing paper! Okay, okay, I'm cooling down. I know it happens, but I never thought it'd happen to an assigment that, in my opinion, 'kacang'.

So yeah, that is me with the writing bit. Yeah, I know I'm longwinded (I already know it, you don't have to tell me. Look after your own hem) and I could go on... But I'll stop here for now so I can catch some air and you can digest it all.... So, bye.

Love, Lin~