Sup3rnality

It's raining here on the Holy Grounds. It adds to gloom and sadness. Being here, you can't help it but get contaminated by the boredom disease; the kind that eats you up slowly from the inside... It makes it even worse when you're not exactly on your highest of highs; meaning that I'm at one of my lowest at the moment.

I feel totally lost at times. Not the lost that makes you feel like you're going nowhere. It's more like this; I know where to go but I'm not exactly sure on which way I should go. It scares me. You could say that I'm lost in a big jungle with no compass; at the mercy of wild animals. And to make things worse, there are monsters. Both substantial and the kind that resides in my mind.

They taunt me. Remind me of things I no longer want to think of. It annoys me. As though as my hurting isn't enough. They have to remind me of my past hurt and their own as well. Is that necessary? Well, I just think they're sadists. They love the pain. Nevermind if they don't see it; they know that they're inflicting it...

Right now, the biggest comfort I seek is something that I don't even have. And as pathetic as it is, I want it. Maybe some people don't know it or refuse to acknowledge its existence, but surprisingly it can prove to be the most wonderful cure of all. It really is. But there's no use in wishing on burnt out stars. Or dreaming empty dreams. I guess I just have to look for new stars.

Anyways, yeah, Sarah and me managed our operation sneak out yesterday. And I guess we weren't the only ones with the idea. Lots of other people were there too. Cliques and couples alike. Managed to do a bit of shopping. Yup, I got 2 books and also a ring that resembles the claddagh ring; the ring that Angel gave Buffy in the episode Surprise in season 2 . I love it! Too bad it isn't silver or look exactly like the claddagh ring.

Oh, and today we got to meet Anis!!!! We miss her so much. Haven't met her in ages. It's so nice to see her. And I'm glad that she's well and having fun in UIA Gombak. As much as I was not looking forward to it, I wish I was there now instead of here. Anywhere but here.

*Sigh* I hope some people would come to their senses and not bother with inane things. I mean, I feel you. I totally do cos i'm going through it too. But I do not need to be reminded. Really. I know too. Ain't I not there???

Well, actually...I can't think straight at the moment. Everything's a blur to me. All I wanna do these days is sleep. It takes away the pain, but... there are dreams. But at least dreams are not substantial, hence less pain.

But still, there's pain all the same. Everywhere I look. But then....let's not bother you people with my pain. I think I've said fairly enough.

So, go back to your ordinary lives citizens. There is nothing to see here. Save for my bleeding heart.

Night falls
I fall
And where were you?
And where were you?

Warm skin
Wolf grin
And where were you?

I fell into the moon
And it covered you in blue
I fell into the moon
Can I make it right?
Can I spend the night?

High tide
Inside
The air is dew
And where were you?

Wild eyed
I died
And where were you?

I crawled out of the world
When you said I shouldn't stay
I crawled out of the world
Can I make it right?
Can I spend the night?
Alone

Taken from the series Buffy, the Vampire Slayer-Season 7, Episode 7 “Conversations with Dead People” Sung by Angie Hart

There are some things that I don't want to think about and yet it haunts my mind. I hate having to sleep only to have my dreams invaded by unwanted guests. I don't need to be reminded. I am reminded enough. Especially when every bloody thing I look at could reminds me of things that have happened before and will never happen again unless a miracle is blessed upon me. Even every bloody word has some significant meaning. I hate it. Is it not enough that I'm already in pain? Is it necessary to aggravate the pain even more? It's so not fair. It's not that I should be punished. I didn't do anything wrong...Sh*t....Sleep is no longer to find peace, or to rest...I guess some of you know what I'm talking about. Those dreams I've been having that reminds me of pain. Yup, pain has a face and I see it every night. This is torment. This is hell on Hell.....Well, whatever the hell it is.....I just wish I could find peace in sleep again. Well, goodnight.....I hope…

I hate it the fact that we are stuck here with nothing to do. And even worse, I am disgusted by the fact that they make it such a fuss to go home. They are depriving me from the one thing that keeps me going: BUFFY! No laa....I'm not like that really. Sure I would love to go back home and watch that but more importantly I want to see my family. I can't stand it when I am separated from family....not that I feel vulnerable or anything but it comforts me to be with them rather than a bunch of shallow minded people. Well, sorry; not all of them are like that but mostly are and it totally kills me to be among them. Right now, all I want to do is to be among my family and sleep in a comfortable bed; not in some stuffy room with crazy people and squeaky beds. *Sigh* And the least they could have done is to let us go out. At least that would make up for the unbearable monotony of this life on Hellish Grounds. That's all I feel like ranting on about for now....well, bye.

OHMYGOD! Yup, I'm back on the Holy Grounds of UIA and as usual it is total HELL. The new rule has been implemented and it is so sad that we can only go back on Saturday. It's no fair for me cos I don’t have any classes on Friday and they might not let me go back on Thursday nights....f*ck this place. So I'm bloody stuck here. But on the brighter side, at least I got to see Fizzy, Sarah, Aaina and Liyana again. Missed them so much. And I miss you other BENdits too...When are we gonna meet up?

ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! A NEW SEMESTER STARTS ON MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S BACKTO THE HELLISH GROUNDS WE GO DUDETTES!!!! ANYONE UP FOR RAISING HELL ONCE AGAIN????????????

ACHTUNG!!! Not suitable for uncorrupted readers. Those planning to live the rest of their lives free from swear words should refrain from reading any further. You have been warned. (This is a bloody friendly reminder from the bloody Corruptor aka The Responsible One aka LinZy)

You know, living (as much as I hate to admit that I'm staying in this place but, yes-living) in an IT-blind community really drives me up the wall. As bad as it is I have to live in this part of Malaysia for the entire duration of my holidays, I have to live with the lack of communication to the outside world. And when I say communication, I mean the internet.

You see, when you are dragged from the only home you have ever known to live in this God-forsaken place, you at least need some sort of medium to commune with people who could grant you some kind of outlet for all of your frustration. But in my life, things love to take a cruel turn to make me insane beyond the ability to imagine.

My point and reason behind this silent fury being: why the f*ck do all the f*cking cyber cafes in this f*cking town have some sort of f*cking deficiency??? For example, the f*cking server in the closest f*cking CC is always down. The second closest one is connected to a f*cking snooker centre where all the smokers, drug-addicts, delinquents, would-be rapists and unemployed loafers alike hang out to pass the time in their pitiful existence. And the other f*cking CC has only 5 computers and none of them f*cking computers have any A drives. Bloody freaking Hell!!!!!!

The bloody thing is I just came back from the bloody CC; after wasting valuable time going there. And this is not the first f*cking time. The last time the whole bloody stupid server went down, I had to walk back in the bloody hot sun cos my mom took the car and forgot to bring her phone. And to add bloody salt and lemon juice and lime juice to my already bloody, bleeding wound was the departure to the fiery depths of Sandal & Shoe's Hell aka dustbin of my stupid, stupid sandals that just snapped off and came off. So, I flung the bloody sandals out of freakin sight and walked home barefoot on TAR on a bloody HOT day. And so I scalded the soft soles of my feet! May you rot in shoe hell sandals.

And of course, those are all the CCs available. No more. These people here bloody well prefer to hit balls with sticks (as dirty as that sounds...well, I don't give a f*ck anymore). No offence to those who like to play pool (yeah, I meant that for you Alfred), but it's just so annoying when they have like 10 bloody snooker centres in one bloody small section alone and only have about 1-3 f*cking CCs! And to make things worse, the bloody computers are not even working properly. AND, they don't even have Yahoo or MSN messenger and to download them, it would take 2 and a half hours (believe me, I've tried).

You know what? FUCK this town. The only reason I'm smiling and bearing it is because my mom loves it so much. This is what she wanted all her life and I hate to make her upset. She knows I hate this place but she tries to ignore it; though she hears the bitterness in my voice. I'm just glad that I don't have to be here all the time, even though it hurts me being far away from my mom.

Ok, now that I've cooled down about the whole internet thing, let me tell you about another sad story of my life. Well, first of all, I want to warn you to not; I REPEAT: DO NOT THINK or even better, DO NOT EVEN WONDER to whether or not watch the bloody sad excuse for a horror flick malay movie PONTIANAK. Let me part with some wise knowledge I picked up from seeing all (read: PONTIANAK), go use your money to get yourself a decent meal. Indulge yourself with a McValue Meal and bite into the hot burger which could at least fill your stomach. As opposed to the stupid movie which costs the same and leaves a lot to be desired. If I could turn back time, I would tell my mom: No, I do not want to babysit the neighbour's daughter and accompany her to see that bloody stupid movie. I could have easily used the time I wasted for the movie to watch some movie on Astro or at least catch some much needed Zs. Heck, even the guys there are not much to look at (sorry dudes, I'm like really bitter at the moment) to make up for the lack of good things to see; say like the movie for example.

So now it's back to drooling over the picture of James Marsters on my computer. No, I prefer to think of him as Spike with the sexy English accent and clad in black leather... yumm..... *me getting a dreamy look on my face*. Finding out that he really is American instead and his accent is phony (he got tips from Tony Head aka Giles) totally turned the switch off for me. So, yeah, drooling. Since that's the only thing I can do on my computer.

My dad will always give me the blur look whenever I mention getting a bloody phone line. He'll give me loads of excuses making me tired to even ask now. Hmm....so that's where I got the talent for having an excuse for every bloody thing on the planet; from my dad. Anyways, even if he registers for a phone line now, it's not like I'll be around to use it. Seeing how I have just another 3 more weeks of holidays and soon I'll be a member of the bloody freakin prison better known as the Holy Grounds. *sigh*

Well, truth be told; my life isn't all drama and whatever else that comes my way. It's just that I like being so dramatic with words that things I say seem exaggerated. Normal things happen too (never mind the fact that it's not something I would do everyday); for example, I actually went to the sodding zoo. I mean, of all places to go on a freakin hot day; you go to a zoo. Wait, wait, wait; to be specific: The Zoo. *Sigh* Well, contrary to what most of you would think; I DID NOT HAVE ANY KIND OF FUN WITH THE GOATS!!! Ugh, I mean, they're cute and all but I personally do not want to have anything to do with them.

Oh, and after the zoo outing, I pleaded my dad to swing by Ampang Park since I just love walking around there. It's the kind of mall where you'll never know what you can find. Despite me seeing so many things that I would have loved to own, I couldn't afford it. I mean, a top for $80??? I know it's nice and all with a kimono kind of design to it; but considering the material used and how the shop isn't even some hotshot boutique, I wouldn't even fork out that much money even if I had it. Anyways, while I was walking around; straying into PS2 game shops (Yaay! I got Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban!), clothes shops, Payless and CD shops; I came to this CD shop. It was very much empty since it's like at a location where it can't be really seen. The lady there was pretty helpful. She kept asking me about what I was looking for and helped me look for it. I was looking for some OSTs and so she pointed it out to me. Now this lady kept looking at me (beware! Gloating follows). Even when I spotted some old Tori Amos albums which I've been looking for, she kept watching me. The thing was, she was sitting far away but she could actually see that I was looking at 2 Tori Amos albums. Suddenly she just came up to me and handed me the album I was looking for. I mean, whoa! Talk about telepathy. And I don't know where the heck she took the tape from since I was facing the cassette counter. Hmmm...very interesting. So when I got to the counter to pay, she said “you’re very pretty”. Ok, I know that sounds really weird coming from a woman but what the hell? I was very much flattered. Hey, it’s not everyday some stranger tells you that you look pretty. So allow me this rare moment of pride. Ah, and she said she loves my eyes. Hehehe… I don’t know why the heck I’m telling this in the first place *blush*. Anyways, while I was forking out cash to pay, I spotted a Fiona Apple album which I haven’t listened to. I picked it up and you know what? She just gave it to me. It cost like, 20 bucks and she just told me to take it. So I got 2 albums for the price of one. Heheh…so now I’m listening to Tori Amos’s “Boys for Pele”. I love Mr. Zebra. Uuh… I mean the song in the album, ok? Not the kind of zebra I saw in the zoo earlier.

Tragedy and a dash of pleasant surprises… Yup, the story of my life. Well, I’m off to looking at more Spikey Wikey. No Fidz, he’s not here with me right now *sob sob* (maybe tonight??), that is why I’m drooling over his picture instead. And Sarah, whether he is real or not; we sure have lots of fun. And yes, I’m still struggling to be quiet. How’s Dracula by the way, Fidz? Who’s better? Him, Smithie or Haldir??? Or does Haldir still reign supreme? Well, ok, signing off now. Love ya loads dudes and dudettes!

-LinZy-