Sup3rnality

*Sigh* I am feeling absolutely tired. Burned out at times. Is it possible for me to feel this way? I know I don't look it, but I'm damn bloody tired. Sometimes I just feel like lying down and sleeping for days. No need to think, to feel....I don’t know. I sound depressed, don't I? I'm not really....Just tired. You know the feeling like you just want to put the entire world on pause and just sit back to sort out your head without worrying about life passing you by.

Where can I find a cure...? I just don’t know... I know it's near, but it's just bloody far. Out of reach. That's how life goes. Ironic.... I need release (I wonder whether that's the proper word to describe it). Something that can banish all my negative energy into oblivion. How am I supposed to manage that? It's seems so impossible. Is it? Sometimes I ask myself whether it was me myself who drove whatever comfort I SHOULD and DID have away. I know...sometimes I take things for granted. Sometimes it's just that I don’t know what to do. That's just me.

Maybe I am naive. As crazy and well, informative my mind is, I'm still this naive little girl. I am. I know I am. I just can't bring myself to comprehend that. At times, as mature as I act, I still need that simple feeling of solace to keep me sane. I'm not saying mature people don’t need solace. I just think that I've been trying too much to act like I can live my own life without being caught up with petty things to admit I need a little security sometimes.

Security, that's it. That's one thing I don't have. I can take care of myself, although I am scared at times... But what I'm trying to say is that: I don't have that feeling that there is a being or beings around me to keep me safe. Not just from bodily harm but things/people that can hurt me spiritually. I don't have that.... And I crave it. I had it once. For a short time...and how I savoured that feeling. I guess that's what makes it even worse, this empty feeling....The thought that I had lost the one thing that gave me that precious amount of solace, hurts me.

Yeah, I know now. I guess I feel empty. Devoid of the feelings that make me human. I'm not implying that I am being heartless but you know....What I'm saying is that there is an imbalance in the feelings I possess. I think there is more negativity than the optimistic ones. And that's what that is disturbing my being. The incompleteness......God, sometimes I wonder just what the Hell I'm trying to say...Does all this make sense to you?

Damn, again me and my soul baring. I've been doing that too much. Is it cos I've got this bleeding heart to give away? I just don’t know.....And I guess I'll never will; until I find that release I've been looking for so long....