Sup3rnality

Okay...I've toned down but I'm still not entirely stable just yet. I'm really just still in a daze. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, not really feeling. I'm numb. Like I just don't give a damn anymore, but the funny thing is: I actually do. Darn it, I'm confusing people again....

Look, I dunno why really I'm bleeding my heart for all to see right here but I guess it's just one of those times when I, as Ms. Ad puts it: THROW HABIT! Hehehehe....

On a lighter note, I'm damn crazy!!!! Especially when I go out shopping with Sarah. I'll just go wild! But then.... not as wild as Sarah. I'm a shop-a-holic, but I don't buy much cos I always try to save my money...What an irony huh? But when I'm with Sarah...I dunno, I just tend to buy more stuff. Maybe cos she tempts me to...

Whatever it is, Raya is like less in a week, so: SELAMAT HARI RAYA. Maaf Zahir & Batin!!!!

Damn.....would you guys believe me if I told you that I'm depressed? Seriously... This days I'm on the verge of crying-and that's saying something. I almost never cry. And even if I do, they're for reasons that just overcome me. And the past few days, well, you could say that the things I'm going through are just plain sucky.

My Akhlaq lecturer hates me and my friends (Julia, Sarah, Fidz, Zeph, Aaina)-Don't worry dudettes, we'll get through; my thoughts are so cloudy I just can't take it, and well, that's all I would tell to the public. But believe me, right now, I'm very close to breaking down.

I know, compared to other people, what I'm going through is nothing, but some things I just can't take. Listen, I'm not asking for help, I'm just venting out my feelings. There's no need to be worried, I'm ok...well, not REALLY but I'll get by. Just thought I'd let it out.

I'm starting to bare my soul these days..... I guess I'm getting tired of being too defensive of myself. Well, everybody's been wondering what goes on in my head. Me never opening up and all. Well, you guys wondered. So here's a peek. But when it all comes down to it, I'm only human. Take me as I am. For that's all I have to offer.

A lament from me for today:

Let there be fire.

For in me Hope has dimmed.

Let me be singed at the stake.

For what difference does a corpse and a dead heart make?

*Sigh* I am feeling absolutely tired. Burned out at times. Is it possible for me to feel this way? I know I don't look it, but I'm damn bloody tired. Sometimes I just feel like lying down and sleeping for days. No need to think, to feel....I don’t know. I sound depressed, don't I? I'm not really....Just tired. You know the feeling like you just want to put the entire world on pause and just sit back to sort out your head without worrying about life passing you by.

Where can I find a cure...? I just don’t know... I know it's near, but it's just bloody far. Out of reach. That's how life goes. Ironic.... I need release (I wonder whether that's the proper word to describe it). Something that can banish all my negative energy into oblivion. How am I supposed to manage that? It's seems so impossible. Is it? Sometimes I ask myself whether it was me myself who drove whatever comfort I SHOULD and DID have away. I know...sometimes I take things for granted. Sometimes it's just that I don’t know what to do. That's just me.

Maybe I am naive. As crazy and well, informative my mind is, I'm still this naive little girl. I am. I know I am. I just can't bring myself to comprehend that. At times, as mature as I act, I still need that simple feeling of solace to keep me sane. I'm not saying mature people don’t need solace. I just think that I've been trying too much to act like I can live my own life without being caught up with petty things to admit I need a little security sometimes.

Security, that's it. That's one thing I don't have. I can take care of myself, although I am scared at times... But what I'm trying to say is that: I don't have that feeling that there is a being or beings around me to keep me safe. Not just from bodily harm but things/people that can hurt me spiritually. I don't have that.... And I crave it. I had it once. For a short time...and how I savoured that feeling. I guess that's what makes it even worse, this empty feeling....The thought that I had lost the one thing that gave me that precious amount of solace, hurts me.

Yeah, I know now. I guess I feel empty. Devoid of the feelings that make me human. I'm not implying that I am being heartless but you know....What I'm saying is that there is an imbalance in the feelings I possess. I think there is more negativity than the optimistic ones. And that's what that is disturbing my being. The incompleteness......God, sometimes I wonder just what the Hell I'm trying to say...Does all this make sense to you?

Damn, again me and my soul baring. I've been doing that too much. Is it cos I've got this bleeding heart to give away? I just don’t know.....And I guess I'll never will; until I find that release I've been looking for so long....