Sup3rnality

• Had a very good morning, the way all mornings should start ;)
• Had a good brunch with Sayang at Tropicana City Mall at a restaurant called Otak-otak Place. It has an ol'skool, classroom concept which is pretty endearing. The food was served in them good ol' mangkuk sia or mangkuk tingkat which is pretty neat. And the restaurant was decorated with toys from the yesteryears, ie those khaki green toy soldiers, marbles, pick-up stix, boardgames like ludo, and their notice boards were of course the those blackboards (or green, rather) like in school. The table itself had bottle caps and a deck of Happy Family cards to play with while waiting for our food. At their cashier counter, there were glass jars of Tora, lollipops and other childhood favourite snacks. And their menu was like school exercise books. Niceness! Oh, and did I mention the food was good, too? I had nasi lemak and rendang ayam. The rice was really lemak and the rendang so yummy. Check out these reviews for more info and pictures:

1. You get what you give
2. KYSpeaks
3. ShoppingSalesQueen
4. KLue, or
5. visit their site itself to know what I mean: Otak-otak Place 

• Lepaked at Badass Coffee for a cuppa while waiting for the time to push off to Section 16, PJ for my appointment. The appointment itself had me sigh a sigh of relief...a new chapter is beginning, and I'm scared but excited. I cannot wait. I'm sad, but also happy. I can't wait.
• Went back to Tropicana City Mall to wait out the rain and jam time. Decided to go watch a movie. I picked How to Train Your Dragon and it was simply awesome. Hands down the best movie I've seen this year and the most fun animation I've watched in a while. I've gotten tired of the run-of-the-mill animation movies but I decided to give this one a try. Definitely worth it :) Sayang and I had a good time laughing and  being at the edge of our seats at the more scary bits.
• Went to the game arcade for two rounds of Daytona USA. Highlight was when I smashed into Ash's car from behind to slow him down...nevermind that I lost :p
•  Drove back to Cyber -- one of the best times spent with Ash would be when we are in the car, driving somewhere and just talking.
• Had a good dinner at Rahim's and my chapati was yummy. Abit weird for chapati texture, but was good nonetheless...very buttery and soft. Yum.

And now I'm home and reliving the best parts of the day...which is all of it. I'm content, and no words anyone could say could change that.

Love,
Linzy

The edge I'm on cuts deep like the sharp edge of a knife.

Feels like drowning even when I'm breathing.

I've come home crying in frustration more times than I could count.

Gone to the lowest of lows I remember going to in a long time.

And now I am anticipating reaching higher up to grasp at that lifeline that have been much too far above my head. Come tomorrow, a new chapter will begin.

I no longer want to come home to hide my face in the chest of my Love and cry away my anger helplessness. I don't want to leave my fate in the hands of people who do not know that I have feet to walk my own. I don't need their words to know the person I am. I know. I just forgot. And now I need to be reminded.

When tomorrow comes, I hope with it I'll regain what I have lost. I'll get reacquainted with the part of me that has been stomped down hard to the bottom of my self-worth, dragged along behind me like litter stuck on my heel. I'll climb back onto that horse and ride. I'll wipe those tears and look to the world head up and in the face once more.

Tomorrow, I hope to reach for the star(s).

Love,
Linzy

Disclaimer: Picture by kaotickell at DeviantArt.

oh hush
serpent tongue
preaching choir
horse's mouth
swim not
shallow pond
holed sieve
holds no water
mind you
flipped coin
different sides
reverse lies.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2010

Well, I think this speaks for itself. 

Love,
Linzy

Disclaimer: Picture entitled "Serpent's Tongue" is by elainedori from DevintArt.

I was a bright child, my mom used to tell me. Ever inquisitive, loved IQ-related puzzles and toys and solved them fast, a reader, and observant. But there were some things I took a while to catch up on. I was late in being able to tell time. I had trouble remembering left from right. Mathematics was a pain, cos it takes me forever to understand a concept (takes months), and often, I would come up with a different way of calculating which gave me correct answers, but round-about, complicated and not accepted in exams. This and many other things.

These were just passed off as just some things that I was weak at; because in different areas I learned superbly fast and was top of the class, or understood better than others. After all, we all have strengths and weaknesses, so no one can possibly be mad at me or anyone else to be not good at everything.

There were other oddities about me that people used to point out, but I never quite took them to be anything else but just a quirk of character. I suffer from Spoonerism. I hold a pen at an odd angle and grip (my cousin once sat me down and tried to get me to hold the pen the way that everyone else does and is more "comfortable". I tried, couldn't, and got so frustrated I cried cos I didn't see what was so wrong with the way I write--It was comfortable to me). It took quite some time for me to understand how to tie my shoes. I understood and learned how to spell quite late (thankfully later I mastered it, and am a school spelling bee champion). I tend to daydream alot and often.

Along with that, I found that there are many things about myself that happened too often. Like problems with depth perception, reading a passage but skip a line or reread the same line, see movements at the corner of my eye and lots of other things. But I never mentioned any of this as I always thought it was not unusual. I was sure that any other person could have this problem.

One time, though, Ash and I were playing Inspector Parker on his laptop. I've never played that game so he was teaching me how, and then let me play a few rounds on my own. He noticed that I could not assess the puzzle before me just by looking at it. I would have to sort of "read out loud" that this is left, and this is right, or this is 2 boxes away and this is 3 boxes down and what not. So he decided to mess with me and ruin my concentration. When I was going on about this being left and that being right, he would "correct" me and told left is right and right is left. I blindly followed, not noticing that it was wrong. And if he pointed to the left and said right, I would follow too. It took me awhile to notice the discrepancy and readjust my thoughts to think that right is right and left is left. We were laughing so hard, and he playfully and lovingly patted me on the head and said I was "cacat" :p

Part of me that night realized that--while all this while I had a problem with direction, but always thought of it as a slip of the tongue--what I had was a condition. Dyslexia came into mind, and it sorta made sense, because when I thought back to my childhood, there were symptoms. It's just that I never said anything about it therefore or complained about it therefore it was not apparent.

I went online and looked for symptoms of dyslexia, and there it was. As it turns out, all those things I used to have all pointed to me being dyslexic. But my parents or anyone never noticed because: a) they're not apparent, b) they could easily be thought as a lack of judgment/slip of tongue/miscommunication/etc, c) I never complained about any of this symptoms, and d) nothing pointed out to the common dyslexic symptoms.

According to symptoms listed on this site, these are the ones I have, which are signs of dyslexia:

• Appears bright, highly intelligent, and articulate but unable to read, write, or spell at grade level.
• High in IQ, yet may not test well academically; tests well orally, but not written.
• Feels dumb; has poor self-esteem; hides or covers up weaknesses with ingenious compensatory strategies; easily frustrated and emotional about school reading or testing.
• Seems to "Zone out" or daydream often; gets lost easily or loses track of time.
• Learns best through hands-on experience, demonstrations, experimentation, observation, and visual aids.

• Complains of dizziness, headaches or stomach aches while reading.
• Confused by letters, numbers, words, sequences, or verbal explanations. 
• Reading or writing shows repetitions, additions, transpositions, omissions, substitutions, and reversals in letters, numbers and/or words.
• Complains of feeling or seeing non-existent movement while reading, writing, or copying.
• Seems to have difficulty with vision, yet eye exams don't reveal a problem.
• Extremely keen sighted and observant, or lacks depth perception and peripheral vision.
• Reads and rereads with little comprehension.

• Has extended hearing; hears things not said or apparent to others; easily distracted by sounds.

• Trouble with writing or copying; pencil grip is unusual; handwriting varies or is illegible.
• Clumsy, uncoordinated, poor at ball or team sports; difficulties with fine and/or gross motor skills and tasks; prone to motion-sickness.
• Can be ambidextrous, and often confuses left/right, over/under.

• Has difficulty telling time, managing time, learning sequenced information or tasks, or being on time.
• Computing math shows dependence on finger counting and other tricks; knows answers, but can't do it on paper.
• Can do arithmetic, but fails word problems; cannot grasp algebra or higher math.

• Excellent long-term memory for experiences, locations, and faces.

• Extremely disorderly or compulsively orderly.
• Had unusually early or late developmental stages (talking, crawling, walking, tying shoes).
• Strong sense of justice; emotionally sensitive; strives for perfection.
• Mistakes and symptoms increase dramatically with confusion, time pressure, emotional stress, or poor health.

So I found out I was dyslexic. I'm not at all bothered by it. It's just a condition, not who I am. I am just surprised that it all went unnoticed for years. It explains alot of things. Really. There are all these things about me that I have and am sometimes annoyed by, but cannot help. Or mistakes I often make and can never seem to correct, or takes a while to correct or learn. Turns out it all points to one thing.

I'm glad I didn't know it earlier in my life. Otherwise I would have used it as an excuse for everything. Or if people knew about it, put a name to my quirkiness; people would treat me differently, and second-guess me, or think I have a sort of dysfunction and am not normal.

As far as I know, I'm normal, but with some malfunction that makes my brain work a little different than others'. But I eventually get there. People might think it's weird, but then again, people already think I'm weird cos of my being a little off-center. So let's not add to that thought.

Dyslexic or no, I am like any other person. I have my strengths and weaknesses. And even if dyslexia didn't hinder my other abilities, I suppose I would always be a language person, who loves books and words and thinking and analyzing and abstract ideas. And that had carried me far, cos I find that I excel in these areas, sometimes more than others. I see what others don't see and understand things deeper and faster than most. And I did well in my studies and now on my chosen career path. So maybe, I would have to thank my dyslexia for that.

So I guess what I'm saying is that, if you are dyslexic, or know somebody dyslexic, don't put them down, or treat them different or talk down to them. They are like everybody else; only that their disabilities have a specific name. If everybody was good at everything, life wouldn't be half as fun, and everybody would all be just the same. So appreciate diversity, it's why I'm not you and you are not me.

I love how one's imperfection can make them so perfect.

Love,
Linzy

Disclaimer: Pictures from Learn Something Every day and Dyslexia Testing Australia.

I do not have much work to do these past few weeks. And on top of that, I've been finishing the balance of last year's annual leave (it expires the end of this month), so I'm not in the working mood. Instead I've been reading random articles, fails and blogs.

This article caught my eye: Sixteen interesting facts you did not know about kissing

These being the most interesting :p

1. An act of kissing puts 29 facial muscles in motion. In other words, kissing can be used as an effective exercise to prevent the development of wrinkles.

13. Kissing can help women relax and ease the effects of stress.  

15. A kiss that lasts one minute can relieve your body of 26 calories.

The above are a few more reasons why I should ask for more :p


Brace yourself Sayang...

Love,
Linzy

Like any child of the 80s who grew up on a steady diet of cartoons and movies from the era that was, I am dreading all the "remakes" and the "modern twists" many film makers insist on doing year after year. For example, I've seen a childhood favourite, Alvin and the Chipmunks, get mutilated. I felt like [this] when I saw the trailer. I refused to watch the movie.

Thing is, Hollywood sees that it is their right and duty to give us old timers a bit of nostalgia by remaking them old cartoons and movies so we would remember them again. And, they also think that they're doing the young'uns a favour by reintroducing the ol' skool stuff. Wrong, Hollywood.

I like my nostalgia as it was, thank you very much. I would like to remember all them cartoons and movies I loved as they were, in their original form and not the sad excuse of a remake you keep churning out and pushing into our faces. And kids nowadays, well, they couldn't care less. Not most of them anyway. In this fickle world today, everything lasts as long as a flavour of the week, and sometimes, day even. Interests change at the click of a mouse, and voila, you have something new.

Twenty years ago, you had to wait til next week to see the next episode of your favourite show. You had to wait forever for a movie you watched today to be available in the video shop, or even get in line to borrow it from the video rental place and they were not cheap. Cinemas were quite far and uncomfortable (we used to have to sit on benches). You bought books to read more about that movie/series, or cut it out  of magazines and kept them in folders so you can have a look at them again and again.

And now, there are cinemas everywhere. They are somewhat affordable an comfortable. Series' episodes have up to 4 repeats a day, and if you can't wait for next week's episode, you can always go download it or watch in on Youtube. DVDs are sold at dirt-cheap prices. If you wanted to research the movie more, you can just go online and it's all there. No need to print and keep, they'll be there anytime you want.

So you see, some kids I know don't get invested in these things anymore. They don't need to. They live fast-paced, never stopping to enjoy the simpler things. It's one thing at this moment, and they forget it the next, and are in search for something new the very next moment. Hence, there is no need to put much substance in things, as what the masses want is a quick fix til they can get their hands on the next best things that comes their way.

What I'm saying is that, movies/series nowadays, for the most part, don't have that much a substance in them. It's all flash and bash, and bits and bobs, and colour and light, and pretty pretty illusions. But substance is sorely lacking.

The flavour of the week now is 3D movies. Of course, it's not like they didn't have it before, but now it's ever the more rampant. Everywhere I turn, it's 3D. But when you watch it, you realize that that's all it is, some 3D crap that doesn't amount to anything. If you are easily distracted, you won't have time to blink as you take in all the visually-pleasing aesthetics, that you don't realize that at the very core, you are left hollow.

I love Clash of the Titans (1981). It was the ultimate movie for me at the age of 3-5 years. I suppose it was my love for that story that paved the way for my love of Greek mythology and epic movies. My mother taped it off TV2 long long time ago, and as soon as I learned how to operate the VCR, I was popping the video in to watch the movie again and again.

It was the stuff of fantasies and dreams. I loved Bubo, Athena's owl. I had dreams of owning the owl cos it was just so cute, and it made sounds like R2D2. The inferior special effects left a lot to be desired, but I loved it, and thinking about it now, despite it's obvious "fake-ness", carried more weight and was much more memorable. I remembered being scared as hell of Medusa (when I downloaded the movie last year in my doomed laptop, I still couldn't watch the Medusa scene alone).

What I'm saying is, I'm afraid the remake that is coming out this April 1st would just turn out to be another CGI-3D fest with not much of story told. I have a good mind not to go see this movie, afraid it'll shatter my last memory of it. But at the same time, I'm curious to see as to whether they did the movie justice. But from experience, nothing good ever comes out from the likes of remakes.

Love,
Linzy

In the absence of words, the loudness of gestures and expression is amplified almost deafeningly. And often, the crease of a brow, the furrow of a frown and the quirk of the lips could say a million more things than an exchange of words ever could.

If there is one thing that could make me love a movie or series or love it more, other than an engaging plot, is when they find it to emphasize and/or punctuate a scene with the right degree of facial expressions.

Another reason as to why Joss' creations have such a hold on me is that he takes the time to focus on the characters face and gestures, and it makes a scene that more powerful in my eyes. I mean, just look at Hush. No, I did not started liking this aspect in movies/series because of Joss; I liked him more because he fed my need for not just plot and words, but the most natural reaction a person has before words take over.

In BtVS, Joss has many a time moved me to tears by scenes that has simply been wordless, but so strong. Or it can be an exchange between two people without a word being uttered, but the eyes communicate so much.

So below are my favourites, in no particular order.

1. Wild at Heart, Season 4
   
   Easily one of the saddest episodes of the lot, WaH saw Oz "cheating" on Willow with Veruca, and him deciding to leave Willow to find himself and hopefully rein in the wolf inside. The last few minutes of the episode, when Oz walks out of the room and out of Willow's life and into his van, there is that shot of him behind the wheel and the run of emotions on his face. The play of emotions that ranged from determination, sadness, regret and just being torn was too heartbreaking to bear. Not a word uttered, just his emotions fighting one another for dominance. And determination wins over, and he drives away.
    
2. Becoming 2, Season 2
   
   Like WaH, Becoming 2 had Angel leaving Buffy, but now by his choice, but at her realization that she has no other option but to sacrifice him for the rest of the world. And her expression one too painful to watch. As he held her, oblivious to what's happening, we see her face changing from happiness and gladness, then to realization, to horror, to sadness and to heartbreak. In those brief moments she had Angel back, she had to push away happiness to make way for conscience and the knowledge that the world she was entrusted to protect could only survive if she killed the person she loved. And in those few moments she had to make a decision that had no options. At the last moment, we see her steel herself, stabs him, then watch her breakdown. I never fail to be moved to tears.
   
   
3. Fool for Love, Season 5
   
   
   
   
   One of my favourite episodes, as it chronicles Spike's history, and how he became the man, or should I say vampire, he currently is. At the very last scene before the episodes ends, we see Buffy sitting on the porch in the backyard, crying after finding out that her mother is sick. Spike, who was determined to finish Buffy off once and for all, came charging to end her with a blow from a shotgun. But he stopped as he saw the distraught Slayer, with tear-streaked cheeks in all vulnerability. We see him soften, goes to sit next to her, pats her reassuringly (if not a bit awkwardly) on her shoulder and volunteers his company, without saying a single word. On her face we see a sort of gratefulness, as the two natural enemies sit side by side; worlds apart but sharing the same space to help the other cry. (Sometimes when you need to cry, all you really need is someone to hold you and not say anything.)
   
   
4. The Body, Season 5
   This one needs no explanation. What words can you possibly utter when your mother dies?
   
   
5. Hell's Bells, Season 6
   
   The part when Xander cannot put into words why he cannot marry Anya, and Anya's face just crumples and she pulls her hand away from his hold, and it drops to her side, dejected and rejected. Her face when she walks down the aisle alone puts a lump in my throat, unable to look at her as she feels all the dreams she had seeping away from her. She didn't need to cry, it was all there on her face.
   
   
6. Helpless, Season 3
   
   
   
   This episode is when Buffy had to go through a centuries-old test that every Slayer is put through by the Watcher's Council when and if she turns 16. It is a sadistic and draconian test that hardly serves much of a purpose other than the Watcher's (metaphorically representing the sexist patriarchs) exerting their power over the Slayers. Giles, who has grown to love Buffy as a daughter and not merely his charge and job, had no choice but to put her through this test, which included having him to inject her with doses that would incapacitate her. Realizing the mistake he was making, he told her about this test (Slayers aren't supposed to know), but by then, the damage was done. Buffy felt betrayed, and flinched from him. But in a different moment later, when all is forgiven, there is the tender moment between them as he tends to her wounds, in all the silence he begs for her forgiveness, and he gets it, as she lets him clean her cuts.
   
   
7. Grave, Season 6
   
   
   
   
   A broken Willow gone dark because of Tara's death is filled with so much pain that she just wants to end the world and all its suffering. She conjures everything in her power to bring down the world that is so full of hate and pain so that no one has to feel anymore. Then comes Xander, who tells her "You've been my best friend my whole life...world's gonna end, where else would I wanna be", and then holds her while she comes back down to earth. His simple gesture spoke a thousand words and communicated all the love he had for his dearest friend, whom in all her scorn and anger, was merely a girl who lost the love of her life and didn't know how to grieve.

To illustrate these scenes I've chosen the art of Anne from Obsesssion of the Moment, my favourite wallpaper artist whose art make up most of my collection (I am an avid wallpaper collector). Click on the thumbnails to have a closer look at these scenes.

Truthfully, there are many more scenes that I can think of, just not right now. And with Season 8 in comic form, there are so many more that should be listed down but I cannot. Unless I scan them pages, of course. So I'll leave you with these few for now.

And as always, Joss is boss :p

JWIMMN,
Linzy

Disclaimer: All works are from Obsession of the Moment.

...Love:

Sometimes...

...I get scared of loving. The memory of heartbreak is like the shadow that follows behind you even in the bright sun...especially in the bright sun. The all too familiar lingering of doubt reminding that pain is simply the flipside of the same coin. But he looks at me, smiles, holds me and kisses me, and that shadow of a doubt melts in the afterglow.

...when he's not looking, or I think that he doesn't notice, I commit to memory the curve of his back, the nook of his neck, the shape of his shoulders, the texture of his hair, the feel of his hands, the hard gentleness of his arms, and a million other subtleties one might take for granted; so I may find him in the dark, and recognize him, just in case sight is taken from me.

...I spin poetry in my head with every thought of him.

...when he holds out his hand to take mine, all the world just falls away; and I am just his. And contentedly so.

...I think love is perfect in its imperfection.

Love,
Linzy

What do people call you?

Do your parents have a special name for you? How about your other relatives, do they have cutesy nicknames that only they use? Or does your circle of friends call you something in particular because of something you once did and that name just stuck? Think about it, do you have a lot of nicknames?

I know I do.

Let's see if I can list them down. Hazlin. Lin. Ayin. Haze. Hazelnut. Hazeline Snow. Linzy... And those are just the ones that pertain to my name; the ones I remember that is. I haven't included the other names I've been called due to some reason or other, like Tomatimmy (from the Arabic rootword tomatim, meaning "Tomato"). Why? Because I blush easily and profusely and get so red that I resemble a great giant tomato. And how about "The Responsible One"? I was given that because my friends thought that I was very responsible and always updated the rest of the group with news and whatnot so that we wouldn't be left behind in an assignment/test or something. I have lots, some of which I do not even want to mention, but you get the idea.

Commonly, I'm known as Lin or Linzy or Ayin (if you're family), if not called by my given name.

I don't really mind being called by my nicknames. Heck, to be honest, only a few people call me by my full name, and my full name is not even long, only two syllables. I sometimes feel disoriented when people call me Hazlin because it's so rarely used. So yeah, nicknames feel a whole lot more comfortable.

And honestly, I prefer to be called Lin, it's short and sweet (and I love how it means "soft/gentle" in Arabic and "waterfall" in old English) but to me it shows that I know that person enough to be comfortable with him or her calling me by a nickname. I don't like to be called Ayin by other people other than my family, because I've associated the name with people who are blood kin, or close enough to be treated so. When Ash wanted to call me Ayin once, I felt kinda funny, because for him to be calling me that made me feel like he was a brother or something :p Linzy is a name that is widely used now, although I very much would have preferred it to remain among my Twisties and Bendits. But expectedly, people hear it and use it and now it's use by everyone. Oh, and calling me Alin is a total NO; unless you want a death glare from me.

But why do we need nicknames?

I'm not against it having one, but something a classmate from Bosnia said to me made me think. She asked me once: Why do you Malaysians like to shorten your names and/or give yourselves nicknames? You have such beautiful names but you want to be called by a not-so-unique shorter name, even if your name is already short.

Why indeed do we do so? And is it really a Malaysian habit to shorten our names?

Come to think of it, yes, we Malaysians do like shortening our names; and it's almost expected. When I think back on times when I first meet people, or am required to introduce myself, the person asking my name would then ask; "What do people call you?", or I would be obliged to say: "You can call me Lin". Or sometimes in a situation where somebody keeps on repeating my full name, I would immediately say, "Oh, no need to call me Hazlin, just call me Lin".

It would sound to me that my friend has a point. Why so much effort into making up a nickname when a person has already been given a unique name painstakingly thought out by their parents (we'll leave out those with names with a negative meaning -- in which case they could have it changed -- and those who have too long a name)?

For me, well, I don't mind nicknames because it tells of the bond I have with the person. Like when I hear myself being called Linzy by the right people, I know they call me that because we share a type of friendship that is different from ones I have with others, and they know the history behind the name. And I feel all warm and fuzzy when Ash uses his nicknames for me, because it's an intimacy that only we share. My mother calls me Lin, even though every other family member calls me Ayin, because she and I go beyond the common bond of mother and daughter, we are best friends and confidantes, too.

But at the same time, yes, I do love my name. My actual given name. Hazlin. It's not particularly common; especially on it's own. Most times it is part of a longer name or accompanied by Siti or Nur, etc. So I suppose it is pretty unique. But at the same time, the use of it seems rather formal and impersonal. But the use of it makes also me sit up straighter, and take on a more professional stance, knowing I'm being referred to with respect.

It's funny, though, despite my liking nicknames; a colleague of mine has this habit of calling someone however she likes. She means no harm, it's just for fun, but I don't quite like it when she calls me Hazlinah or Siti Hazlin, or something like that. It feels as though she is making fun of my name, and giving me a name which isn't mine/referring to someone else.

And is it really a Malaysian habit? Well, of course it is not uniquely Malaysian, but it would seem to me that we are apparently very prone to doing so, this name-giving, name-shortening and such. Good or bad? You decide. I sit on the fence, as usual. I like it both ways.

I'm Hazlin, but you can call me Lin for short.

Love,
Linzy.