Sup3rnality

He asks me:
What did I do to deserve you?
(As he wraps me in his arms and holds me close).

I tell him:
You didn't have to do anything.
I just love you for you.
(And I put my arms around him in turn, searching his face).


In my heart:
A million answers rushed to the fore.
Raising a storm that threatened to let the tears flow.
(I believe when all emotion is too much to bear for words to trail to follow, tears take its place).


All the other things I wanted to say:
You love me, and that's all there is to it.
Because you walked in and filled in the empty spaces in my heart.
Because we fit perfectly.
When things were darkest, you shone a light.
Because seeing your smile everyday is worth waking up for.
Because no one has made me smile inside and out so much.
Because you're everything to me.

....

All that, and a thousand more answers.

I love you, Sayang. More than words can ever express.
If I ever fail to say the things you want to hear, or I stumble when we're looking into each other, that's only because I haven't the words to say it, and perhaps never will. In my silence I'm falling deeper in love.

I'm wordlessly in love.

An hour until the clock strikes 12am.

An hour until I turn 24.

And before that bell tolls, not that there is one, but figuratively speaking; a few things have crossed my mind in quick succession in these past few days:

I am in my 24th year of living. At my age, my mother got married to my father. And at 24, my mother carried me for almost 9 months and gave birth to me at the end of the year. And while I am still far from walking in those shoes, it doesn't mean that I don't plan to. It doesn't mean that I don't want to. I'm longing to. I look forward to that day. I've found a man whom I love with all my heart and plan to be with for the rest of my life. When I think of the future, he is in every space of that vision, and no matter how long it'll take, I'll work to realize that future. When the time comes, and we will know when, we'll walk those shoes I'm can hardly wait to wear.

The year has been difficult. Painful. I've hurt in spaces of my heart I never thought could get hurt. My hair grayed when it shouldn't have. And I've cried for reasons I never thought possible. Many plans went destroyed. My heart got broken over and over. I've thought all was lost many times over. I've wanted to give up many times, and still do feel so. But...

I have a family who loves me unconditionally; despite my shortcomings and the pain that I can be. Friends near and far, in ways big and small, never fail to show me that they think of me, care for me and love me, even when I fail them. And my ever constant best friend, lover and simply, the other half of me, my Asdil, has showered me with love and has stood by me through everything. He's caught me everytime I stumbled, gave me his shoulders for my tears, and carried what I could not carry on my own. This year has been easier with him by my side.

So here's to 24 years of living. Here's to the achievements and downfalls. To my family and friends. To my darling, Asdil. Here's to life and more of it.

Life is long, and it can be difficult and it can be lonely, but when you are surrounded by love, pain ceases hold, and you breathe easier. When all is said and done, life is worth it in the end, because it's not what you suffered that you dread to miss at that the very last breath; but you remember the sweetness life has brought.

Love,
Hazlin

This is me disconnecting
This is me detaching
This is me walking in the rain
This is me dulling the pain.
You'll see me today. No.
You'll see me tomorrow.
Don't count on it, though
I won't show any sorrow.
I'm lying through these smiles
My head is far, miles and miles
My heart is hoping all the while
For these ends to reconcile.
Is this where I end the show?
See me leave and turn to go
Don't wanna wait for the jeers to sound
Or it that your call, calling me around? 
This is me hardhitting
This is me contemplating
This is me at the end of the rope
But tell me, is there still hope?

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009

Firelight, Firelight
In this car burning bright
We saw a shooting star that night
Trail ablazing, then out of sight
So beautiful and I touched your hand, light
Oh, I wish I may I wish I might
Have this wish I wish tonight.
Firelight, Firelight
With you, everything is alright
There is nothing to give me fright
Nor is there the want to take flight
You make me burn, oh you set me alight
With you, there is nothing left to fight
So one day, Sayang, let's do this right.


(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009


My Asdil and I saw a shooting star on last Sunday night on the way to Cyberjaya. I just happened to look up, and in a split second, we witnessed a burst of bright bluish light moving from West to East, then disappearing altogether. I've seen shooting stars before, but never as bright as this. It was so clear and seemed so close, that it was as though I could pluck it out of the sky...It was breathtaking. And while the wishing on a star is not something I practice or even something I (should) believe in, it was too magical to not get caught up in that fantasy.

Right in that moment, enjoying the late-night drive with my beloved, all I could wish for is for me and him to be together for always; because in my heart of hearts, that is all I can ever think of. There is nothing more that I could possibly want, not when I have my Everything.

I love you, Sayang.

I dislike it when people say "Oh, I don't have Facebook. It's become uncool now that everybody is using it", or "I don't Facebook, it's for losers with no life", or even "Facebook?! Yeesh! Why would I stoop that low?". Well, to each his own, really; especially to the last two instances but do you really have to be that rude and condescending? And to the first comment, I honestly think to myself: So why don't you stop breathing now since every single person on earth is doing the exact same thing?".

Well, boohoo to you people lah. I wouldn't really give a damn but it's just that people like that grates at your nerves. I FB and I have a life, thank you very much. And Facebook (and other social networking sites) has time and time again made my day.

So what do I use Facebook for? Well, on the whole, I connect with friends old and new via my FB account. I've learned things I never knew about them, reconnected with them, keep in touch and stay current with them, watch them grow and change, wish/greet/congratulate them when occasions occur etc. Of course there are other attractions life games and other applications, but FB has really widened the ways I could interact and socialize.

I know it may sound lame to some, doing so via lit screens, mouse-moving and tapping keyboards, but it works; and friends whom I've been separated from by miles and time don't seem all that far away. I mean, eversince primary school, secondary school and uni-life, friends go separate ways. Some leave the country, some lose contact, some just disappear and you have no idea how to find them. When I left school, things like handphones were still a luxury, hence we only got housenumbers. But people move, and so did I; so those numbers became void.

Apart from that, via the applications (especially the earlier ones, before the revolutionized FB), I've discovered much about what my friends think of me. For example, the app that has your friends choose 5 words they think apply to you; I was pleasantly surprised to know that the top 3 characteristics my friends chose for me were intelligent, attractive and sweet. That tells me that I've been doing good all this while, and I should keep it up. I've also read testimonials friends write about me that brings tears to my eyes, like the touching ones Hamzah and Alfred used to write about me. It really made me feel very appreciated. And earlier, when the privacy settings were still a little sketchy, random guys would message me with pickup lines and fancy embellished prose to get my attention. Yes, I do realize that probably only a fraction of them were sincere and the others were just scum wanting to get laid, but it still did the ol' ego good, thinking I at least had the stuff to get them to even bother to make an effort :p

One of the best wonder Facebook has done for me is that it reconnected me with long-lost friends. Like one guy whom was my "boyfriend" in playschool whom I've not heard from or seen since we left kindergarten. I met him online some years back and he is still as cheeky and sweet as ever, and the best thing is he remembers all the silly things we did back in the day :p Oh, and recently, I reconnected with an old friend I've not met in a decade, thanks to her moving to the states and not having her contact number. It's such a wonderful feeling to have found her again... And of all ways to find her, is when I suddenly got tagged by a friend who saw my picture in this long lost friend's album... Wanna see the picture? No prize for guessing which one am I. I think it's bloody obvious. But keep in mind I was 11 at the time :p

If you break me down, strip all the layers that build me up and buffer harm from touching vulnerable skin, there will be nothing left but bone. Just the make-up of my being, but none of the substance.

I am the parts of my life that brought me to this bend in the road. Every single fiber that knits itself together with this bigger picture is the essence of what I really am. There is no use trying to digest me whole if you could not appreciate the details. The patch of red on my cheeks, the brown shade of my hair, the scars on my face, the burn on my right arm, the lines on my palms, the spots on my shoulders... These are what I am made of, and if you plan to perfect it, you'll find that I won't be standing there as the mist clears.

My ego is what makes me me. I am built on it. Layered and coated by the hurt that pained me as I passed along in this existence. It is the scar tissue that healed itself time and time again to create an armor of webbed defenses. Take that away, and I stand as only a shadow of who I am.

Me. My confidence. My knowledge. My wit. My humour. My sympathy. My empathy. My love. My friendship. My intelligence. My thoughts. My everything... is built on the basis of my ego. I grew up being constantly criticized by my peers and by people whom I thought would know me better than that. Hurt as I was, I always knew I was better than that. And as much as I bled inside, I let it slide and heal over. I did not, no, could not let them beat me down and leave me in the dirt.

So I took the hurt and molded it into sympathy for the lessers. I took the pain and made it into insight and knowledge for things people would never understand. I took the accusations and turned them into love and trust. I took the jeers and developed my internal beauty. I took all the bad, and made it to good. It fed my ego. For without my belief in my superiority, I would have never have gotten far.

As years pass me by, I learned not to take crap from people. I developed an intense hatred and apprehension towards anyone who wanted to break me down, who wanted to humiliate me into submission, who wanted to shame me into compliance. No one could tell me I'm not good enough. No one. Cos I am not, and you cannot tell me otherwise. You can try, but I would not listen.

I am Superego. And you are?

Do not ask me if breaking my ego is what it takes to make me see reason, what it would take to see my errors, feel ashamed and worthless and drive me to do better to impress. This is not boot camp. This is no Full Metal Jacket. Breaking down and humiliating one's pride does not make for reverse psychology that will put me back on track. That is not how it works. Not with me anyhow.

You take down my ego, and you'll see every talent you ever thought I had stripped away. I'll be left with nothing. Whatever you thought I had would be gone. Whatever you thought I could do would have been raped away together with my armour. I would be nothing. Pointless. Meaningless. You would be throwing away all that I work for by taking my ego away from me.

So let me be. If this wasn't meant to be, let it be on my terms. Let me triumph in failure. Let me be. Let me see how this goes. Let me see how far I go. And if I'm lucky, I might join you all on the other side. If not, then I'll leave before the tide comes in.

Love,
Hazlin

Last night was a blast. Last night, which was Wolters Kluwer's 2009 Annual Dinner, held at Cyberview Lodge, Cyberjaya. After much anxiety and energy poured into the making of this night, it went by smoothly and much fun was had. I was tired by the end of the day, but it felt worth it.

As a Fun Inc representative, I was on the committee who organized the entire event. So I have been on my feet these past few weeks, and had months of meetings and brainstorming for this event to come to be. So I went through all the tears, the thrown-out ideas, and paperwork. But after much much discussions, we came up with this year's annual dinner with the theme, Madhatters! (we chose this theme due to budget constraints -- hats decor).

So last night was almost perfect. I didn't win any lucky draw prizes, but  it was good. I went as Cleopatra. I was in a red grecian-like dress, with two golden snakes wrapped around my neck, poised to attack, and my headgear? Beaded strands of hair, the classic Cleopatra headwear. Thankfully it acquired many compliments, but I was overthrown by another girl who came as Nefertiti :p But then again, as a committee member, I could not be in the running for best-dressed.

But...despite all that, the food was terrific (the herb mashed potato was awesome!), the company was good, I had fun dressing up, had a few laughs watching them play games, boogied down on the dancefloor with the rest of them when after the dinner, and reclined in a fantastic complimentary room (alone mind you, someone was not around to keep me company) where I am typing out this entry.

It was swell. I regret not bringing a camera (I was afraid my running around throughout the event would end up in it being lost) to take all the many highlights of the night, but it's ok. Hopefully there will be a lot of pics put up in the common drive. And it was fun seeing my colleagues let loose, watching them dance and all. The general manager, the bosses of bosses, Sunita, managed to pull me on the dancefloor and had me dance with her :p (I've never danced, like never, so it felt awkward and I so don't have rhythm).

It was a night to remember. And I hope next year would be just as great :)

*I'm loving the room... The bed and pillows are super-squishy and oh-so comfy. I have a huge tv to watch with many channels and I have a pc to use. I've stayed in the executive suite here long time ago, but this feels different, when you have the entire room to yourself. Although, I do pretty much wish I had some company.

Anyway, I'll try scavenging for photos tomorrow and will post them up when I can.

Love,
Linzy~

Moi?

I was, still am, but this is a bit much. I've been leaving the office between 11pm-1am nightly, and it's making me feel lonely. Wandering around between empty cubicles, looking out a dark window and jumping at every sound and every movement at the corner of my eye does not only creeps out the usually infallible me, but is a disease that eats into me. And that disease is called "loneliness".

In the silence of the office, so much so that all you can hear is your breathing and your fingers dancing along the keyboard, the echoing of your being alone reverberates all the more. And I am left wanting.

I miss my Asdil too much. Haven't seen him in over a week. We've been apart longer, but so much work and no reprieve nor comfort, I ache to be with him even more. And I'll be glad when this is over with; this product of mine that is causing me so much distress.

Well, it says 12.08am on the clock. I should be going home now...I have a feeling that there is so much more to do, and that tomorrow morning (which is the deadline), I'll be fighting for sanity. But, I'm tired, aching, and just plain exhausted of all effort and life for the day. Best I be on my way.

Goodnight, all. Goodnight Sayang.


Love,
Hazlin