Sup3rnality

It's been a year, love. It's been a long, long year. Such a gaping wide space of time in which you were not in. Your absence have left me so empty; and it's been so hard for me to fill that void.

At times I feel so ashamed, letting myself be in the mess I'm in. Sometimes I so alone, even in a crowd full of people. At times I hate the eyes on me, hate the discomfort. And everyday, at the end of the day, like those days when you were there, I seek that refuge that cancels out every trace of displacement I feel in myself. But you're no longer there. I can no longer find myself in the arms of the comfort that you offered up to me without discrimination, without judgment. And it pains me.

My words have been swallowed up since you were gone. I find myself unable to express myself with the words that are there in my head. Everything seems irrelevant. Feelings became irrelevant. What use were there if all I could use them for sadness and then not have any comfort afterwards? I was mute for so long. I am still mute.

I miss you so much. I have so much emptiness in me. I am so weak. I never thought things could be this way. Always thought that many years from then you would still be by my side, ever constant, stalwart. My comfort.

I swear I could not find the words. These words hold no weight to ever say how life has been without you. How much I miss you. How much I love you. There are no words, and no words can possibly be created.

I love you. I think of you all the time. I hear you, I dream of you and nothing can ever ease the pain of losing you. No amount of tears can ever bring you back. And it makes me ache so so much.

I am sorry for not being there. I am sorry that you were alone when you left. I am sorry I could not protect you. I am so sorry I could not take away your pain. I am sorry for your stolen years.
I'm sorry for the million of things I could have done differently. I'm sorry that you're so cold now. I'm sorry that these words will never do anything, and they'll just remain words.
I miss you. And I'll always love you. I hope you're happy where you are.

Love you always, Lin~