Sup3rnality

"Goodbye To You"-by Michelle Branch

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

It never occurred to me that I could actually love a person like the way I loved him. I mean, I never doubted that I could love, but I’ve always doubted that such a love ever existed. Well, that all changed when I met him. Maybe ‘met’ is the wrong word, since I did first meet him when I was barely 2 years old. What I really mean to say is when I first met him as the guy whom I would later fall so much in love with. It turns out that the boy whom I grew up with as neighbours, the boy who I thought of as my own brother I thought I would never have; is a really nice guy whom I would love more than just a friend. So, given the situations we are put through, sparks flew and well, we got together. I would say that was the best relationship I could ever have. He was one of those kind of people who would go to lengths to make you feel wanted, needed, special. All those things that I never thought I would feel. As clichéd as it sounds, that was how I felt. He was like that, him. Always putting me first. He was my lived dream. Heh, but things aren’t meant to last forever. Well, first of all my dad has always been one who was so fussy about me going out. And then we lived so far away from each other. Eventhough I for one could have endured a long-distance relationship. Really, I could. But him? Well, he said he couldn’t. It was straining apparently. Hence the break up. Bullsh*t.

Enter another girl. He wanted this girl, apparently for a long time. And because he wanted to chase something he wasn’t even sure he would get, he sacrificed our relationship. Well, he didn’t get the girl. She left after their ‘O’ levels. And that left him broken-hearted and alone to face the realization of what he did. He SMSed me late one night. He told me just how much he missed having someone to talk to. That left me even more confused than I already was. According to a very reliable source, He felt stupid for what he did. He regrets it. And that provides me with a slight comfort, knowing he felt a little pain from it all. But when asked whether he would change what he did to me if he was able to turn back time, he said “No”. He said he would have broken up with me eventually cos he felt nothing anymore. Apparently he got bored. And that hurt me. Knowing he just got tired. And that was when I started letting go. I let go of his ghost that I still clung to. The ghost I clung to for over a year. But he should have told me that. He should have just told me there was nothing there anymore and be done with it. After we broke it up, he shouldn’t have taken me for that walk, he shouldn’t have said all those things, all those promises, he shouldn’t have touched me. He should have just stopped and said goodbye and left. He shouldn’t have given me hope. And at least, I would have stopped loving him….

So, it wasn’t about not wanting to tie me down at all. It wasn’t about him wanting to concentrate on his studies first. So this is how it feels to have your heart wrenched out. So that is how a heart is broken.
I’ve waited a long time to know what exactly happened between us. It was all sudden. And without proper explanation. And now that I know, well, I couldn’t decide whether it was better me knowing or not knowing. Knowing all this has made me detached from life, although this will only be for a while. But my heart will take a long time to mend. And not knowing? Well, then I would have spent my entire life pondering “What if-s?”

Don’t judge him by what you just read. I made him the villain out of anger, out of my grief. He really is a nice person but just gone astray. Misguided. He will still stay in my heart no matter what. And believe it or not, I’ll always love him.

Thank you for letting me bleed my heart out. For once I’m actually opening up about this whole thing. And that is a huge relief. I’ve kept my grief in for far too long. And my friends kept in the dark. So there it is. My so–called love life.

Suddenly I know I’m not sleeping…

P/S: The original version of this entry was posted on my Xanga blog and it was protected...I've decided to publicize it here...So, I wish for people involved in this to know that I do not mean to criticize anyone. We are good friends and always will be and there are no hard feelings... This was just me saying things out then when I was still mad... Sorry if I hurt anyone (22nd June 2004)