Friday, September 30, 2011

Broken Hearted

This heart...
Aches
Shakes
Fakes
Grates
Quakes
Breaks.

I wish these aches would stop making me shake in fear and fake a smile as these feeling grates against my bones and has me quaking for an uncertain future that is bound to leave me broken.

(c) 2011, Hazlin Aminudin

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Freedom

Freedom

My hand entangled in your strong ones
Walking down these shopping aisles
past many flavours of the week
We may very well be 
running through open fields
An endless sunset making patterns
to which our shadows dance
Windswept hair kissing flushed cheeks
We might as well be 
flying
Weightlessness taking over
Clouds between our toes 
Praying Infinity finds us
as we grasp on cerulean dreams
passing above way over our heads
And even as reality sinks in
gravity pulling us aground,
Truth is
these moments just being with you 
grant me Freedom.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2011

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Off the top of my head


  • - Selamat Hari Raya, everyone :)
  • - And happy Merdeka, too.
  • - To those who know what I mean, the phases are over. I'm on my own. Liberating, yet scary. But here's to hoping I'll hold my own.
  • - Setar was not forced to shut down, thank God. Was already teetering on the edge, but we were pulled back. So yes, salary salary salary. I can pay for my car, rent, petrol... I can afford to give my parents cash, to my siblings and my grandma, too, and help my mum with some funding for her trip to Holland. Alhamdulillah, that was a very huge sigh of relief. 
  • - Thinking back on a previous entry and other scathing and unapologetic commentaries, I am not sorry for what I said. I feel what I feel and I cannot be sorry for them, lest I be a hypocrite to myself. It may hurt the feelings of some in the process, but as I've said, I write these words here as it is solely a medium of expression. I'm not interested in feedback or reactions towards what I write. And though it is for all to see, I write them thinking as if these are for my eyes only. So whatever nerve I may have struck, if anybody read it for that matter, you are entitled to your opinion and me, mine. Just don't step on my toes while you're at it.
  • - Again I say, no matter what you think of me, I love my job, and I love where I work. In the same vein as the above point, if you have a problem with me, well, then don't talk to me. We'll get along so much better that way, by not communicating. I'm tired of rude/insensitive/ignorant remarks on my profession or the company I work for. You're not the one working there, so just shut up la right? Let me earn my living the way I see fit, and if you don't like it, then don't follow suit; and even better? Don't talk to me and criticise me. 
  • - Looking forward to an impromptu trip to Langkawi (my colleagues and I impulsively bought a voucher off Groupon for a night's stay in Langkawi, we bought two for a two-nights' stay) in early October :)
  • - This Raya, it had been nice being able to give than to receive. After so long, it's nice to see the roles reversed for once.
  • - As these years pass, it's getting harder to explain the absence additions to the family. It's easier in my head, but not as easy on the ears of those who expect reasons.
  • - On the first day of Raya, I woke up to the voice of the other half of me, separated by distance, but at one in heart. My Asdil's words never fails to light up my day, and it surely did.
  • - Merdeka was almost forgotten, as predicted. A little sad, even though I'm not particularly one to celebrate it. 
  • - My feline son Freddie went missing for 10 days (4 days before we left for KB and 6 days while we were in KB). Went into a state of sadness that I couldn't help feeling irritable for the first few days in KB. For that I was sorry. But my heard leapt when he was there starving in front of the house when we came back. He was so light and oh so manja. He most probably got chased by the dominant male cats in the area and he got lost and couldn't find his way back. He's been so scared to leave the house and his fur is constantly half fluffed up, like he's ready to get into battle mode. Tonight he got chased again and he got so scared he crapped himself. Poor baby. 
  • - I like taking photos of things, and of myself with friends and family, but not really the type to ask someone to snap a pic of myself. I feel so odd doing that. I will camwhore alone in my own privacy, but never ask someone to take a pic of me if I can avoid it.
  • - Back to work in a few hours. Time to save the nation. 

Here in my head

I haven't been writing. That's stating the obvious. But my mind's been raging. So many months have passed since I've been able to put pen to paper and let flow these unsaid words; well, in a matter of speaking. There are many things I want to say, but so little energy is left for me to say them.


Who am I kidding? I'm just lazy. This mind has been too preoccupied to exercise my vocabulary into some meaningful prattle that I can find comfort in. Not that I am in any discomfort, but writing eases my mind into solace that drains me of words and thoughts that is like a cancer in me. It empties me to receive loving thoughts and warmth into the spaces of myself. 

Here's to myself, to reminding myself to pour more of these thoughts into these limitless spaces to make room for more in my head.