Sup3rnality

I'd promised in my last entry that there'll be more of this...that is, more entries to follow, and not lone ones that make up for months of silence. Well, let's hope this one would be the beginning of well, new beginnings. Although, I have to say, there isn't much to talk about of late.

Hmmm...

Well, there is one thing that I have been wanting to put a word out about. Well, actually more than just a word but you know what I mean. My birthday, that is what I wanted to talk about. It's been more than a month since...and I thought I'd give it that much time before I brought it up. I thought that in a month I would gain a better perspective about how I feel about it... Heh, although to tell you the truth, it was more out of utter lack of motivation to write rather than to "gain perspective".

Anyway, turning 21 is fantastically overrrated. Oh wait, I didn't mean to sound so cynical but I really didn't feel anything. Not that I expected to see big flashing lights go off in the night's sky or have a male stripper (did I just say stripper?) knocking on my door but well, I did think that I would feel more...I don't know, maybe the word I'm looking for is 'different', but it doesn't roll off the tongue as it is supposed to. Perhaps it's something else, and I have no word for it.

Eversince I was a kid, I've always wanted to grow up real fast. I read alot and had alot of things that I wanted to say and do. But when you're about 3 feet tall no one takes you seriously and that frustrated me. I didn't like being thought of as someone who was not capable of thinking for herself. Age never mattered to me, I always thought it was the mind that really determined your age, but hey, not everyone thinks that way. So I pretty much had always looked forward to the time I would be old enough to be taken seriously. Don't get me wrong, I didn't have a bad childhood. I had wonderful friends and an ever supportive family. But many a time, especially when I was in school, I felt like someone older stuck in a child's body.

And now, I'm 21 years old and I'm an adult, and I sit here and I've quite lost the enthusiasm of my looking forward to this time. Again I'm not being a cynical, bitter person; but I'm just seeing it with different eyes now.

I don't regret anything. Wait, there are a coupple of things on my mind that I would very much like to change but then they are also the things that have made me the person I am today. So...not going through those experiences would have made me into a different person, and truthfully, I am comfortable with the way I am. So, whatever those things are, I have to bear the weight of my mistakes and remember to not repeat them again.

I still feel older than I should be. But that doesn't make me a bitter biddy who sits on park benches lecturing the young 'uns about the good old days. I feel older in the sense that I have managed to find a firmer foothold, and I've gone up a tad higher than most. And I'm not sitting up there higher than others laughing at them. Instead I have the time to not only stop and smell the roses, but bask in them and soak up the sun. It's a good feeling.

Of course, things are not perpetually rosy. But I like that I get nicks and scrapes every now and then. It's no fun going through wars and never getting any souvenirs along the way..

I've battled more demons than I'd care or am able to say. Sometimes they stay dead, sometimes their ghosts linger and haunt me when I let myself sink. I live with them, but like I said, I try to live with no regrets; so I put them aside and try to make up for my past wrongs. I am able to reflect and make a choice.

So this is me. I'm not perfect and I know it and I love myself nonetheless. I am comfortable with what and who I am.

But....I'm still searching for it. Will I find it?

Love, Lin~

~I am feeling complacent~

I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it.