Sup3rnality

And I have found that we choose to immerse ourselves in closets of thoughts and let time bind us tight. We find ourselves reaching for the doorknobs, only to retract our hands with worried fear. 'What lies beyond?', the question plays a heavy tune. A thrumming in the back of your mind. Coupled with the wonderings of what happens behind those other doors.

We seem to not want to go on. Even when these heavy feet rellentlessly trudge through sand and stone, we often ponder on the footsteps we leave behind; wondering whether there is a wisdom in going back. The treadmarks were lies, for there were none to speak of. We would discover them deceiving the orbs of sight, forking into different paths we do are not meant to take.

Where have we gone? We ask ourselves, as we turn the pages in our minds. We have gone ways with pathways only wide enough for one, admitting no other. Trying to steal glances at the distant shadows of yesterday makes us empty; for shadows change with each change in the rays of light. So all we're left with are the dark mass trailing at out feet, lonely in its wake.

Words now have lost their flavour; a blandness that leaves a bitterness in my throat, satisfying no hunger in my mind. And all I'm left with are what I own in all of me, and whispers of a distant past. And I smile and I think that branches may continue breaking off when they descend, but they came from the same tree... I am comforted.

Love, Lin~

Mag ik nog even
Hier bij jou
Mag ik nog 1 keer
Voor het leven
Mag ik in stilte
Hier bij jou
Mag ik nog 1 keer
Om je geven
‘k Heb niet altijd juist geleefd
Maar toch iets moois geleerd

En ik leef
En ik leef
Alles gaat fout, maar ’t is goed
Zolang ik het beleef
Want ik leef

‘k Was je verloren
En mij ook
Alles proberen
Voor ik oud word
En ik sta nog steeds rechtop
Dit keer gewapend
Voor het koud wordt
‘k Heb je altijd graag gezien
Ken jij mijn geheim misschien

Want ik leef
En ik leef
Alles gaat fout maar tis goed,
Zolang ik het beleef
Want ik leef

Dat ik nu zonder spijt
Nog verder mag,
Nog kansen maak dat jij
Dat je weer lacht naar mij
Je lacht naar mij
Je lacht naar mij

En ik leef
En ik leef
Alles gaat fout, maar ’t is goed
Zolang ik het beleef

Ja ik leef
En ik leef
Alles gaat fout, maar ’t is goed
Zolang ik het beleef
Want ik leef

- "Leef" by Sarah Bettens aka lead singer of K's Choice

I'd promised in my last entry that there'll be more of this...that is, more entries to follow, and not lone ones that make up for months of silence. Well, let's hope this one would be the beginning of well, new beginnings. Although, I have to say, there isn't much to talk about of late.

Hmmm...

Well, there is one thing that I have been wanting to put a word out about. Well, actually more than just a word but you know what I mean. My birthday, that is what I wanted to talk about. It's been more than a month since...and I thought I'd give it that much time before I brought it up. I thought that in a month I would gain a better perspective about how I feel about it... Heh, although to tell you the truth, it was more out of utter lack of motivation to write rather than to "gain perspective".

Anyway, turning 21 is fantastically overrrated. Oh wait, I didn't mean to sound so cynical but I really didn't feel anything. Not that I expected to see big flashing lights go off in the night's sky or have a male stripper (did I just say stripper?) knocking on my door but well, I did think that I would feel more...I don't know, maybe the word I'm looking for is 'different', but it doesn't roll off the tongue as it is supposed to. Perhaps it's something else, and I have no word for it.

Eversince I was a kid, I've always wanted to grow up real fast. I read alot and had alot of things that I wanted to say and do. But when you're about 3 feet tall no one takes you seriously and that frustrated me. I didn't like being thought of as someone who was not capable of thinking for herself. Age never mattered to me, I always thought it was the mind that really determined your age, but hey, not everyone thinks that way. So I pretty much had always looked forward to the time I would be old enough to be taken seriously. Don't get me wrong, I didn't have a bad childhood. I had wonderful friends and an ever supportive family. But many a time, especially when I was in school, I felt like someone older stuck in a child's body.

And now, I'm 21 years old and I'm an adult, and I sit here and I've quite lost the enthusiasm of my looking forward to this time. Again I'm not being a cynical, bitter person; but I'm just seeing it with different eyes now.

I don't regret anything. Wait, there are a coupple of things on my mind that I would very much like to change but then they are also the things that have made me the person I am today. So...not going through those experiences would have made me into a different person, and truthfully, I am comfortable with the way I am. So, whatever those things are, I have to bear the weight of my mistakes and remember to not repeat them again.

I still feel older than I should be. But that doesn't make me a bitter biddy who sits on park benches lecturing the young 'uns about the good old days. I feel older in the sense that I have managed to find a firmer foothold, and I've gone up a tad higher than most. And I'm not sitting up there higher than others laughing at them. Instead I have the time to not only stop and smell the roses, but bask in them and soak up the sun. It's a good feeling.

Of course, things are not perpetually rosy. But I like that I get nicks and scrapes every now and then. It's no fun going through wars and never getting any souvenirs along the way..

I've battled more demons than I'd care or am able to say. Sometimes they stay dead, sometimes their ghosts linger and haunt me when I let myself sink. I live with them, but like I said, I try to live with no regrets; so I put them aside and try to make up for my past wrongs. I am able to reflect and make a choice.

So this is me. I'm not perfect and I know it and I love myself nonetheless. I am comfortable with what and who I am.

But....I'm still searching for it. Will I find it?

Love, Lin~

~I am feeling complacent~

I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it.