Sup3rnality

I don't fancy myself a good poet, but when I do wax lyrical, it's from the heart.

My heart is in constant turmoil. Sometimes I cannot tell one emotion from the other. Which to feel, which to keep? This one and that. The left or the right.

Questions. There are too much to count. Yet here they come. More and more. Every breath I take, new life is blown into them.

I am a walking contradiction. I remember saying this many years ago; remember writing, that is. Has it been 10 years? No, more. And yet this many years on, I still feel they hold true.

I do not know how to wear my heart on my sleeve. I feel, I do not show. Not when I can help it, that is. The emotions that play across the canvas of my face belies the rumblings underneath.

I cannot describe in words the depth of storm in me, it's easier to hide behind smiles.

Here's one right now. And another. Can you tell which one's the genuine smile of happiness? I'll give you a clue: They're all happy but slightly tainted with a hint of despair.

Bills. Rent. Car. Petrol. Food. Money for my family.

All need paying, but funds are slowly diminishing.

So congratulations, people, you are taking away the livelihood that I enjoy and that actually appreciates me compared to my past experience.

Congratulations, you have achieved your goal while making the lives of others caught in the crossfire difficult.

Yes, thank you, I do love rationing my food supply every month like what I've been doing lately. And I do love turning down meeting old friends because I cannot spare the extra cash. I do love not seeing my family in Seremban because travelling back and forth consumes petrol and petrol means cash.

It's nice how people can live their ideals without reality getting in the way.

On a related note, it's funny how people fight for their freedom of opinion, yet reject and criticise others for having their own.

Truth be told, 
Oh, yes it must be told
You have been like a lifeline
To me.
To you, 
I must be like kite
Way up too high, cloudbound
Without you, my kitestring.
And you hold me down
No, you anchor me
Like a lost boat 
Floating out to sea
But you found me
You caught me swaying
In the Wind.
Wind me down
I'm too spun around
Tight.
Not looking to fly high
Just enough to touch the sky
And then you ground me
Heaven meets the Earth
Everytime it's like the first
Yes, you're a lifeline to me.
Me -- hold on to me.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2013

* Written in less than two minutes with a tune going with it as each line flowed.

The presumptions - there are so many on what they call "excuses". But not even one hits the mark. Not mine, anyway. They don't understand and they don't want to. Further proves to me that people only see what they want to see. Further proves that people just love being holier than thou. Well, it's okay. I will not stoop to their standards. What's mine is mine alone, me and my heart. They will never feel the ache I feel.

All I can for polling day/the aftermath are:

- It's like Raya and the shopping malls were empty. I managed to do my shopping in a jiffy.
- I know now how it is like in the newsroom on polling day and after it.
- I now know the amount of food that will be provided so that we will stay awake til the wee hours...and not to bring more food or eat right before coming to work.
- I know why I do what I do...or don't.
- I am thankful that I still have a job and that I can continue to pay my rent, my bills, give my parents money and live comfortably enough.

The Attitude - only proves what I already feel to be true to me.

The Attitude - gives me conviction to choose what to do or not to do.

The Attitude - makes me upset, knowing that this is from those I think more of.

Ah well, and they ask me why I do what I do.

Bottom line is, practice what you preach and there is more than one way to see things.