Sup3rnality

Facebook.

You're like a window to the lives of many friends and acquaintances. 550 in my case, and counting. Reading about the exciting to the mundane. Looking at pictures from the silly to the downright insane.

Sometimes they fill me with happiness. Sometimes with disgust. Sometimes with longing.

And sometimes I wonder, am I just the watcher, looking out the window and scrutinising a world that I feel like I'm part of but actually apart from, or are they the ones watching me, looking at me through the window of my cage, scrutinising me?

I wish I knew how to tell you where I start and where I begin. Tell you how I sleep and the thoughts that rush back to me when I awake.

You used to know.

I wish I could let you hear the monsters in my head, the crying in my bed. I wish you would not add to the voices, add to the tears.

I wish we could be the way we used to be.

Simpler gets harder before long, and from then on it's an uphill battle. Will you be next to me, hand in hand, or are you the thorn in my side, weakening me slowly with each step I take?

Words pierce me harder than any sword can.

Time is a fickle friend. Sometimes I want more of him, sometimes I wish I would see less. But in the end, there is no running. The ticking hands count down the moments of your life passing you by.

I wish you would stop shoving it in my face.

I love you, but like Time, sometimes I wish I could choose to run away.

People may say I'm indifferent. Oblivious. Ungrateful. Irresponsible.

Why? Because I refuse to vote. Someone registered me without my permission and I hate it that they did that. It's not what I want for myself and I shouldn't be made to do it.

Maybe I am all of the above and more. But I've said it before, that is your opinion.

Like how you should not force your beliefs or religion on another, you should not force your opinion on others as well.

It's invasive. And it's offensive to force people into doing what you want think they should do.

I don't make you listen to the music I like without you wanting to. I don't force you to read the books I like, so why should you? My life is mine, yours is yours.

I'm sorry we are so different but isn't that what individuality means?

I'm tired of people forcing me to do this and that even when I tell them I don't want to. Why can't they just take that statement and leave me alone. They even force me to listen to their sermons. That alone is offensive enough.

As if I cannot make my own decision. Well, this is my decision. I do not want to vote.

I understand what you mean. I see your point. But I do not care for it. I used to be interested, but I am not anymore.

Because you know what? The turmoils in my life is inside me. The monsters are in my head. In my life. Not sitting in cushy govt offices with fat wallets. I need to fight the war within  my own self before I fight a war in anything else.

I have come to point where it is hard to care about anything else because it's tough enough to balance all there is in my own life.

So no, you cannot make a soldier out of me. Not when my own battles cannot be won.

I do have opinions, you know. What I don't like about things, what I would love to see changed. People up there who I like or don't like. But not enough to care to do anything about it.

But like any other opinion, it may change. Maybe next month, next year, or maybe never. I'm not saying I will always feel like this, I may change my mind.

But that would be then. When I'm ready.

For now, keep your opinions to yourselves and don't think yourself so terribly smart next time you try to sit me down and lecture me on things I have told you not to bother me about.

I'm saying this nicely now. I won't be the next time.

Only You know how it is, the way it is, how it will be.
Only You can give me the patience to see it through.
Only You can hear the voice in my heart of hearts.
Only You know the pain of the sting, the emptiness within.
Only You know my calmness is slowly wearing thin.

But I trust that You know what You know, and for now I won't know till You let me know.
And You always know what's best. And I know better than question the course of things.