Sup3rnality

I don't know what got into me last night. Hormones, maybe?

I came down with a slight case of paranoia. Heck, 'slight' is the understatement of the century. Make that paranoia of gigantic proportions. It was a case of fear, and worry and a sense of doubt eating into my faith.

Damn you, doubt.

I assure you, I'm fine and all is good in my world. It just needed to be put back right at the axis. And now I'm spinning fine again.

Life is full of uncertainties, yes. One is right to question things to get a deeper understanding. And in my questioning and fleeting doubt, I only love deeper.

My heart has been in all the wrong places. It's pulling me in so many directions that I cannot tell which way is right. Which way is right?

I'm fragile. My heart is fragile. I can feel it threatening to break at every jostle, every rough edge. I can feel it waiting for the fall, waiting for the other shoe to drop, dreading the end of a fairytale.

I've been fragile. The road seems too long, and I feel to fragile, too vulnerable. I'm afraid of the in-betweens.

It's still hard for me to believe it all. Too used to heartache to know the difference. Surrounded by one too many hardened, jaded souls to completely let myself go. People have me thinking, what-if what-if.

I'm too fragile. I'm standing on the edge of a knife, and I think I might just be split in two.

I'm wrong to feel this way. I know I am. The doubts are eating into me. My faith is shaken.

But these doubts are baseless, other than underlying fear.

I'm just fragile. I don't ever remember being this way. So used to keeping my heart so well-guarded from any more pain. I've been there once, and I live in fear of that happening again.

I am afraid. I am afraid of fragility. I am afraid of things I cannot control. I am afraid of losing. I am afraid of being alone.

One side of me has utmost faith, can see the future playing out. The other side of me is in constant fear, dread, waiting for my time to run out, just like before.

I don't know where my mind is. I don't know where my heart is.

Can you please come put it back where it's supposed to be?

I don't like being upset, it turns me reckless, impairs my judgment and makes me feel like crap. When I'm upset, I drive like a maniac.

I don't like being upset because my biggest fear is losing the people I love. Should anything happen to me, or others, I don't want my last memory of them to be that of anger or of a misunderstanding with them.

I don't like being upset because it can drastically transform my day from good to bad.

I don't like feeling upset because I won't be able to sleep peacefully, won't be able to do anything right until I see the person, and and make peace with them.

And right now, all I can think about is to make amends.