Sup3rnality

The week has been exhausting.

I'm homeless.

I'm overworked.

I'm hungry.

I'm lonely.

I would love a break.

But I am glad for one thing, and that is being out of the house with those two Indomee (term coined by Sarah) girls. I no longer live there. I can say sayonara b*tches and never see them ever again. I couldn't take their crap and their astoundingly overpriced bills any longer. I just got meself replacements, and found myself a new place away from them. Too bad I had to con three girls into taking up rent with those Indomees, but for sanity's sake, I'd have to turn the other cheek.

But then, the head b*tch of the duo have been annoyingly rude to me which ruined my mood a few days back; but my solace is that they can't really track me down. Not really anyway. So I hope they would get the hell outta my life and leave me alone. After their extortion, their causing my laptop to get stolen, their using up my things, their rudeness, their ruining my car seat and other offences, I will not be taking any more.

So that's one relief. The only catch is that, I had to move out on the 23rd and I could only move in to my new place on the 1st of November. That means that, for one week, I will be homeless. And I will have to live in Seremban. And I would have to travel back and forth every morning and evening; which burns a hole in my wallet cos of petrol and toll, not to mention it wears me out like crazy and I'm out like a light by 10.30pm. Then up I get at 5.30am and am out the door at 6.30am and I get to work around 7.30am. I leave at about 7.30pm and reach home around 8-9pm. I eat and then I sleep and the cycle begins again. It's only been 4 days and I'm already worn out.

On top of that, it's been a busy week. Fun Inc organized a 3-day Diwali celebration which involves dressing up, henna tattoos, palm reading, Bhangra dancing and eating. I've barely had time to do my work and my work is piling up like crazy. I haven't been going out for lunch and I've been very hungry. I haven't had enough sleep. And most of all, I miss my Asdil like crazy.

If there is one person who could make everything else feel weightless, it's him. And I miss him so terribly much. I can't wait to see him when everything resumes as the usual.

So for now, I'm trying to be patient. And I'm looking forward to another new beginning in a new place. So I'll endure this exhaustion and wait til I could breathe again.

Love,
Linzy

I'm going fast, going slow
Sometimes I feel like letting go
Can't find the road to follow
Looking 'round for someone I know.
Fist tight, eyes wide
Taking in everything in weary sight
Feel like I'm thinking but can't decide
Out in the open with nowhere to hide.
Take my hand, feel it shake
The earth is still and yet I quake
What is it of this moment to make
Oh, just how this heart aches.
Put me back where I was, please
I'm begging, I'm down on my knees
And when I am whole, and this hurt cease
I'll be me again, or better, at least. 


(c) Hazlin Aminudin

Convocation went by on the 12th like it didn't even disturb the air. A rustling of leaves in the background, all too soon swept away and forgotten. So much for the swaying branches and holding of breaths as it momentarily suffocates; it is over too soon for the tattooing of a memory against the mind. Life resumes as normal, it was nothing but a few hours in a lifetime.

It's funny how something you wait your whole life for, look forward to the whole year, prepare for, splurge on, ends in no more than 10 seconds. You couldn't even hear the ticking of the seconds going by even if you listened; the moments move by much to rapidly between the space of time from point one to the X that marks the spot you stand on to receive the mock scroll, where you smile a mock smile, and mock happiness when all you feel is crappiness.

Convocation was...not what I had envisioned. Not what I had in mind. Not the way I wanted it to be. Not the way I planned. Not the way I thought it would feel. Not everything that it could have been. I was disappointed. I was angry. I was sad. I was crying. At the end of the day after dropping Mine at TTDI, my head hurt and my eyes were blurring with tears and confusion that I almost ran a red light and drove into cars crossing the junction from the right. The road had a streak of my tyre's skid marks. People glared from their cars. I turned around and drove back to Fidzy's. Back to Mine's arms. I bunked at Fidzy's overnight cos I didn't have the strength to drive with sanity anymore.

Yesterday felt more like Convocation than the Monday before did. I took my scroll. Took my DVD. Took my photos. Took my Commemorative book. I kept my mortarboard. I felt...graduated. Albeit still standing alone with all of that in-hand, but I felt accomplished, done. I was only missing my robes.

I'd like to say, "Don't ask me about my Convocation"; because it was a climax never reached. So much unachieved potential hung in the air heavy on my back. But to even begin to say why, would be going far beyond the extent of my exhibitionism, and will take longer to tell than the human ear can take. And to decline to explain and a shake of a head will only invite more questions too difficult to have answers for. So if you were to ask me how convo was, I'd just nod my head, smile, and give that mock smile I gave as I received my mock scroll. It was alright, I'd say. But not in entirety alright.

My Convocation and I, we have a love-hate relationship. For the most part, I love it for being what it is, it's mine, and it was my day or few seconds of glorification, even if the rector forgets my name in the next second. It was a few hours of seeing once-familiar faces, faces of whom I am unsure of whether I will ever see again. It was a moment in a lifetime I have looked forward to all my life that I will never get back. But I hate it, because with it came the tide of sadness and anger and a tinge of betrayal. I shrank into myself, had my feelings hurt and emotions toyed with, and when the day came around, I was hard and unfeeling, defensive and angry. And in years to come, looking back at this moment, all I will ever think of is how my plans and my hopes for that moment came down in crash of...anger? Selfishness? Insensitivity? I cannot find the words... But that day will always be shadowed in darkness over what it never was, and the reason that lead to that.

Convocation came and it went, without so much of a goodbye. I stare out the window and wonder where it went; missing something that I never really got to know. Convocation came and went, and it left me standing alone amongst a crowd with a weight in my arms and in my heart. And it's more than I could carry.

But all the same, Happy Convocation, friends. It was good to see your smiling faces... Good luck in life, and may we cross paths again.

Love,
Linzy~

How do you miss something that was never yours? Long for something never felt? 
How do you touch something that doesn't have form? Cry for something that doesn't feel?
How is that you see a smile on me, even one that isn't real?

Come tame these tepid waters. Excite them. Use them. Make them yours. Yours; even as they seep slowly through the space between your fingers. Tease them, bruise them, and let them fall back into the raging rapids. Hesitate a moment, and they won't be there again.

These eyes cannot bear the blatant spectrum of splashed droplets against the midday sun. And yet, and yet... Even as the current tantalizes and entices and begs me to dive in; I am too broken and I am too torn to even break the surface.

~Hazlin

Oh be still Heart,
Be still;
You're much too fragile.
A simple glance,
His winning smile,
The touch of his hand,
And the depth of his eyes;
Makes you skip beats,
Heartstopping flips,
And flutter like a leaf.
Deep breaths, now
Deep breaths.
Catch it when you can.
But he looks at me,
Puts his arms around me;
And it begins again.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009