Sup3rnality

grace said to me:
there is no me in you
no harmony in your tune
no rhyme in your reason
too lopsided to be even.
and beauty says:
alas, i've no part
to paint you an art
your chase too far in a rush
too brief for a stroke of the brush.
but it is no matter to me
i am not only what is seen
my grace is my passion
and there is beauty in imperfection.

Spur of the moment litanies twined together between doing my laundry, washing the dishes, folding my clothes and having dinner. Hence, it was not thought out too carefully.

Lowercase intended; thought it would serve to emphasise the feeling of insignificance. Ironic ain't it? "Emphasising" insignificance.

I would very much like to begin this entry by explaining my long absence... But I think now is not the time; suffice to say my silence was due to weeks of much contentment that any other release I might find (in this case, writing) would prove to be incomparable.

So for now, let's overlook the fact that I have been away for a month now, and pretend that I have been writing here as I always have.

Since Thursday night last til today, I have been suffering from a torturous fever. I know that I was in much pain when it obliterates all other past memory of pain that I might have felt before. It has been unbearable. It left half-delirious for most parts, dazed and confused, and put my temperature on a see-saw. For most of those days, I felt like my brain was being boiled from the inside out. I was so hot on the inside that no bathing or drinking could assuage the fire. And no matter how much I drank, my mouth was dry and my lips were parched. And the headache was a test to my ability to hold on to my sanity.

In one week, I met with 6 doctors, been to 3 clinics and 2 hospitals, and had numerous needles jabbed into me whether for drips, blood-taking, or to administer medicine. And after it all, they still cannot give me an answer on what I have.

I have been whacked back and forth like a rubber ball by doctors who do not know what to do with me. Clinics refer me to other clinics, and then finally one clinic refers me to a private, specialist hospital. Said specialist hospital tested me for dengue and it came back negative, so they got scared and referred me to the GH cos they are not equipped to test for H1N1. The fact that I was in Melaka last weekend made them even all the more eager to get me out of their hospital, since Melaka is the worst-hit state with H1N1 cases. I go to the GH's emergency unit and the doctor doesn't even bother to do a blood test or a throat swab and "magically" comes up with the diagnosis that I have viral fever.

And I am left in the cold wondering, "WTF?"

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that the doctor did not say I have Influenza A/H1N1. But how does he know really? He didn't follow the procedure I hoped he would. So who's to know if his diagnosis was correct? I could be a walking timebomb for all I know.

Believe me, I am scared. I am alone in my room in Cyberjaya, scared to go to work, and feeling damn scared that if I'm another misdiagnosis horror story, I would be just another number in the statistics. I'm scared.

I'm scared because I am not confident of that doctor's abilities and that he might dismissed me too fast. I'm scared because many of my symptoms could pass off for that. And while the symptoms are pretty much the same as a normal fever...I don't wanna be too safe. The death toll is rising, even among healthy young people. I've read about the complications that happen mostly in the younger generation and how their bodies just shut down. And this scares me even more.

So now I sit here and am contemplating driving myself to the hospital in Putrajaya. I'm scared to go, cos I'm afraid I might not be able to drive myself in the best sense of judgment...but, I dunno...

I want Ash to be here so desperately.

Scared,
Linzy