Sup3rnality

Thoughts. Thoughts are all I ever have. Thoughts are what that rule my life. Day in, day out. They never leave me. Even in my dreams, I have thoughts in my own dream. I think in my dream. They occupy the every stretch of time in a moment of my existence. Thoughts are what I'm made of.

I think of everything. The past. The present. The future. The never-will-bes. The maybes. The could-have-beens. The possibility of everything. Alternities and reality. They bleed together; rivers that would have never met if not for the sea. And my mind is the sea where everything converges and become a raging abyss that I would never fully fathom its depths.

It's all here in my head. A living entity that works even without my express permission. They fly by. They pop out at odd hours. They come at me full force. They drive me on. They drive me insane. They whisper softly. They carress tenderly. They spark full of inspiration. I cannot possibly pick one thought from the din.

I am what I think. And in turn, my thoughts are me. I exist because of them and they exist for me. My thinking helps siphon my every concentrated thoughts into digestable spoonfuls, keeping me sane. And yet, they make me insane at times.

They are bittersweet. I hate them. I love them. They make me weep. They make me weak. They remind me of good times. Prolonged dwellings break me. I need them. I need to break free. I need to run. I need them with me. I laugh. I cry. I smile. It makes my heart ache. And they are a thousand and one things more if I had the time to think.

To think.

As if I need more time. They are constantly in my head. All the time. With no regards at the moments passing by.

All I'll ever be will be my thoughts. What they think I should do. what they rationalize. The solutions they cook up. The words I say. The things I do. Everything. They'll never change. My thoughts are me, and I am them.

Love, Lin~

(Written on the 24th of June 2007)

As per usual, I ould try to justify my long absence. Although, there's not much of an explanation; so if you were gearing yourself for a paragraphs-long intro to why I have been missing from these pages, I'm sorry to have disappointed you.

I'm having my 3 week holiday. Or to be precise, my end-of-semester holiday. It's only 3 weeks long because I took the short semester, thus meaning that I have sacrificed almost 4 months of idleness in exchange for 2 months of academic goodness. I know, I know; I'm a dweeb, so sue me. So again, yeah, I'm having my holidays, which inadvertently means that I would be Net-less for the next said few. I'm complaining, but I'm not complaining.

It's always good to cut myself off abit from my regular consumption of Net exposure, for fear that it wolud mlet mreo nad mroe of my pierocus gery mtaetr........................ Oh wait, it hasn't happened yet. But it could. So that's why, as much as I miss it and want it, it's good to be not a slave to it. I can actually feel myself getting stupider because of my reliance on it. No offence to those who live off the Net, being an addict myself; but with me, I am actually beginning to neglect the things that I love so much: Books.

Hmmm....and looks like despite what I just said about talking about my absence in paragraphs; I've done it anyways. Well, anyway....

Things are of the good and of the not so much. And me, I'm five by five except if you count the fact that I have a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach thinking that I might have just failed my Tilawah 2 exam. I have a feeling I have failed, seeing how I totally messed up the tajwid bit; but at the same time, I also have a slight feeling of confidence that I might just pass it just enough. Oh well, won't know til next month... So I prescribe to myself to a good rest and the numbing of my mind to avoid unwanted contemplation that would take the fun out of holiday.

The holidays have so far consisted of me giving the house a little spring-cleaning (even if it is summer now, or constantly summer), lazily watching TV (I have not watched any TV long enough to be called 'watching' for 2 months), reading (like I said, being of the Net has left me all un-reader-y, so now I'm catching up), and playing the PS2 (Rule of Rose rules, baby). Not much, I know, but hey, geek here. Not much with the out-and-aboutness. Plain ole books and games keep me occupied enough without me complaning a single bit. Oh, but I have been lepaking here and there with my mom, shopping and stuff. And my dad had to leave for Japan for a few, so that contributes even more to my stay-at-home-liness. Couldn't sleep though with him not around. I stay up late at night armed with a very very heavy heavyduty flashlight, a hand-held alarm, my handphone, a Swiss Army blade and an aerosol can patrolling the house. I'm concerned about our safety, that's why.

As much as I love living in Kulim, Kedah; the place is not at all a safe place. Here I thought living in the city, with its rich people and full of people living in the fastlane would be the most dangerous place to live of all. I was wrong though. Turns out this little place called Kulim is scarier. With break-ins happening every night, and that's 4-6 cases everynight, mind you; everyone on the block is wondering just when they'll be next. There's a serial rapist whom they have not caught and is still on the loose. It's scary cos the perpetrator has been reported to not want anything else, not money or anything of materail value, he breaks in with the sole purpose to rape. With 3 females in my home (that's me, my mom and my 10 year old sister), one gets pretty scared. I'd do anything I could to protect my family, so I'd rather not sleep and stay vigilant.

CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Oops, excuse me. My Potter-y is showing.

Be that as it may, Kulim is still a nice place to live. Given, not for too long, but nice all the same. It's a nice old small town in which you can live complacently in (provided that you shut your eyes and not listen to the stories of break ins and such). But me, I need a little drive. Yeah, living in KL can drive you insane even if you are not in the thick of it. Of course behind the mask of glamour, there's always vulnerability and ugliness. And we get it by the truckful. We take the beauty with it's ugly stepsister, it's a whole package and can't be sold separately. And that gives me drive to push a little harder, to go a little further, to do things a little different from the rest.

Yeah, so I've been scorned throughout my life for this same drive but I am still standing upright and that counts for something. Living quietly in Kulim would not challenge me enough and would only lull me into a false feeling of security. And for me, that is not the way to live.

Okay, so maybe the two things I just said kinda contradicts each other. But all I'm saying is that while I like the quiet life in Kulim because honestly, I'm a quiet person who shies away from the hustle and bustle and from the loud and the glaring. But at the same time, it's the loud and the glaring that gives me a purpose for my existence. So that as much as I want to be far from it, I also need it. Does that make any kind of sense? Well, it's not like most of the things I say does anyway. Most people already think I'm insane.

Anyway, I'll get through these nights. These long nights just awaiting the bright morning. Heh, and there's always the Nintendo DS to keep me company. Nite!

WWJossD?

~Lin