Sup3rnality

"The more you live in this world,the more you see how apart from it you really are."
- Whistler, Becoming 1 Season 2

I think I now see the disease that has slowly been making me feel more and more hollow as each day passes. Not emptying the words into this chosen vessel of mine makes it worse I suppose; filling emptiness with emotions that are not made flesh... That's a recipe for disaster if you are me.

Yes, the disease... It's possible that I don't need to mention the incident that caused so much despair in me. It's been a constant theme throughout the past few months, I need not cause myself so much heartache. I've exhausted enough tears and energy into expressing them both in words and in actions to want to mention it again. It starts there, with my loss.

I made myself detached after that, not wanting to live in the now and having to connect with everything and everyone around me. I wanted to be left alone. Well, not really. I wanted to be held so badly but I'd rather be alone than be surrounded by half-hearted attempts at comfort or words that hold no understanding. I wanted so much to just drift away into my own mind.
Since then, I've been finding a way to feel again. And I managed that after a long talk with a dear friend over Italian food and drinks. He made me find that spark again and I see it, and now I need to catch up with it.

Now this is where the problem lies. After so long of lying so dormant without my usual zest, I've found myself a bit worse for wear from he lack of use. The second hand emotions that have been feeding me with me on my back has made me sluggish with rust.

I was awake yet catatonic, now I have to remember how to function normally again.

I realize that I was absent from the world this whole length of time. I think I stopped believing for a while; not in terms of faith but the belief in ever finding comfort or my belief that I can keep on being all that I believe I am (does that make sense?). I think I lost me, and I've found me now...It's just that I have to put the pieces back together.

I guess I believed that my strength will never wane. I know deep down that that's not realistic, one can't possibly expect something to last. But I did not expect things to go that way. But then again, possibly it's a test of sorts for me.

It's like how Angel felt in TCToNC Ep6S5. He felt so disconnected and disheartened that he forgot himself. He stopped believing in the Shanshu Prophecy. He felt like it was all useless and that it was just some fairytale story to make things seem that it will all be shiny at the end of all things.

And that was how I felt. I got so disconnected that I felt so weary and jaded and stopped believing in a part of myself that keeps me going.

So now, it's about me taking hold of the wheel again. It's time to come back to the world and do myself justice again. And most importantly, I must begin writing again. For ultimately, it was my lack of expression that led me down deeper into my gloom. And this is how it begins again....I hope.

Love, Lin~