Sup3rnality

Farther Away

2012-01-13T00:44:00.000+08:00

I'm trying so hard to catch up with life and be everywhere I need to be. But the harder I try, the further everything gets.

Happy 26th, meself!

2011-12-25T10:20:00.002+08:00

Coffee or tea?

2011-12-13T04:35:00.001+08:00

The coffee call
Riding the bullet train
For the morning paper
Like the fire in the stairwell
Looking for right stage exits
Bedroom firelights dancing
With urgency rising
Cornered shadows dying
For sunlight to yawn louder
They burn butterless toast
With sugar on the side
But then I drink tea instead.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2011

Hazelnut

2011-12-09T23:34:00.000+08:00

For the most part, I feel like this girl here, Hazel Tellington. You can find her at Girls With Slingshots.

Minus the fact that she has a major addiction to alcohol, I feel like her sometimes.

English major, works, oh wait, worked for a newspaper, writes and hey, our names are quite similar.

I relate to her once looking for love phase. And yet, at the same time, to how much she is a closet romantic - nonchalant on the outside, an overload of poetry at heart. Oh, and that she is a reluctant pervert - filthy-minded yet living life so (supposedly) prim.

And yes, and that she has a love-hate relationship with her not-so-generous boobs.

Dear Friend

2011-12-09T05:44:00.001+08:00

Dear Friend,

I apologise, but I could no longer help you carry this burden. This shoulder can no longer bear the weight of these tears. My heavy heart weighs me down so.

I apologise for brushing off your tears when I should be brushing them away. But I have my own to catch, and they're swelling like a river.

I apologise for not helping you pick up the broken pieces of your life, your heart. Because the truth is, I'm still looking for mine.

Green-eyed Monster

2011-12-04T05:06:00.000+08:00

2am, Saturday night. Or rather, Sunday morning.

Work is done, and so begins my journey home.

What usually is a short, relaxing drive with thoughts of a comfy bed and fluffy pillows turned stormy with thoughts of smiling faces I painfully envy bordering on hate.

Instead of taking a right turn into the junction to take me home, I went straight on. Straight to Uptown Kota Damansara.

The temporary gratification of new purchases serves to console me for a little while.

But back home, alone in bed, left with my thoughts for company; the fight begins again.

Yes

2011-12-03T00:38:00.002+08:00

A thought:

When it comes to me and you, there are no ifs and maybes.
There is only yes, and the sometimes no.
But mostly yes.
No, always yes.
And yes, there is no one but you.

A last goodbye

2011-11-16T23:47:00.002+08:00

Grief is a fickle friend. He visits you only when he needs to, then clings to you even though he has overstayed his welcome. I'd rather he never visit at all. And never lets his shadow darken my doorstep ever again.

Asdil broke the news to me this morning. His cousin I have gotten to know over these past two years passed away on Monday morning. She was only 19.

I could not stop this sadness in me, could not stop these tears. Memories of her, even if they are so few, plays over and over. Then the thought of her earrings that I still keep that will never be returned saddens me even more.

How cruel it is, that I've been thinking about her these past few months, wondering how she's been, and meaning to ask Asdil and never remembering to...

Life is such a fragile thing. It comes and goes so easily. So love the people you've been blessed to have in your life, and remember that the latest gadget you've been playing games on is - for all intents and purposes - a phone. Pick it up and call an old friend you've been thinking of. Don't put it off till it's too late.

Dear Anira, I may not be family - perhaps not now, insyaAllah one day - but, I miss you all the same. May Allah grant you peace in the afterlife. Al-Fatihah.

Crazy Random Happenstance

2011-11-13T04:03:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I woke up cold, my blanket banished somewhere to the other corner of my bed in the throes of sleep. With my tippy-toes I tugged a corner of the blanket towards me and tucked myself in while the light of the morning peeked shyly between the curtains. My toes curled at the chilliness of the morning, fingers tucking themselves deeper into blankets to blot out the cold.

Then I turned to the empty side of my bed, and on the unslept on pillow next to my head, a picture of Asdil lay face up and smiling at me. It must have fluttered down from its place on the wall, come untacked from the flimsy glue that has held it there for months. The chill I felt faded with the sudden warmth of contentment.

No matter that it was some crazy random happenstance that the picture fell face up with him smiling at me on the empty side of the bed, I love the way he surprises me. And how he can make me smile even when I don't feel like it. And how he makes me feel warm and loved, even in the coldest of weathers. And I love how he's always there for me, even when he is far away.

2011-10-30T04:20:00.002+08:00

Someday we'll know.

Sebenarnya

2011-10-29T01:46:00.001+08:00

Other than the cash, the want to save it for that fast-looming future...
Other than the guilt of using up savings that should be more substantial...
Other than these trappings of life that are but distractions...
Other than these meaningless doubts...
This reluctance to go to China....

Yang sebenarnya, hatiku terasa sangat berat hendak meninggalkan dia.

Doubt

2011-10-25T03:36:00.001+08:00

I worry a lot. Many know this. I worry about things beyond my control, worry about things I cannot fathom, about things that have yet to come.

My body is often tense with anxiety, muscles at the ready, bones set to fight or take flight.

And among these path of thorns filled with worry, there lies the ghost called Doubt.

I admit, sometimes I unknowingly let myself wade knee-deep in Doubt. And it creeps up to my heart like venom.

My heart's been hurt too many times, been made to question the truth in truthfulness. Sometimes I feel like I cannot believe. Like faith is a fool's dream. Like dream is only possible in sleep.

These....things happening around me feel like a knife to the chest. Buried in my back only to exit through my bleeding heart. I feel my soul draining from my severed thread of life. And yet I cannot reach behind me to ease this pain. In the mirror I see the faces I trust holding the handle to the dagger.

I admit, sometimes I ask myself questions like, is he the one? Or, will he hurt me like everyone else? I hate myself for asking that, it's like a slap to my own face asking, letting doubt breed free. I know he loves me, and yet, this ghost haunts me with words of doubt that turns into fear.

Despite all that, I love him. I do love him. And I believe in him. His strength gives me strength. And I believe he will be the one to prove me wrong.

Hazlin

P/s: I cannot continue writing any further, this is upsetting.

Dear God

2011-10-21T03:01:00.000+08:00

God, grant me strength.

God, grant me patience.

God, grant me hope.

God, strengthen my faith so I may be patient in waiting on hope.

Some days

2011-10-07T04:00:00.000+08:00

Some days are better than others.

Some days are not.

While we all live different lives, see things in different perspectives, live lives with problems distinctly different from one another, the point is, we all have problems. The difference between yours and mine, mine and his, hers and yours does not make any of it less difficult for the person surviving it.

What matters is how you deal with it.

My life is difficult. But if I were to tell you why, some people (maybe you?) are likely to say: That's nothing, you haven't heard what happened to me, or, I've been through that before and I'm fine. Buck up. Someone is bound to counter it with their own problems in a game of one-upmanship. I've already got troubles, do I really need to be burdened by yours?

The secret is how to survive.

I work with the media. Some days are good. Some days are crappy. You smile and you cry. Life goes on. Just as you're about to recover from one shock, another one rolls in. News come and go. Some old, some new. Some old but in new wrappings. Some new, masquerading as old.

You don't agree with me? I never asked you to.

I'm just trying to survive, and if I make it through alive, maybe I'll spend the time to thank you for putting that hurdle in my way and thus making me the stronger person today.

There is an art in looking for that silver lining.

For me, it's the constant smile he puts on my lips when I'm with him. The loving hand he offers for mine that lends me strength when I'm at my weakest. Asdil has saved me in more ways than he will ever understand. He is the fire in my heart that stokes the flames, urging me to go on. We have our bad days, too, but love always finds a way out of darkness and into a new dawn.

A family that has more faith in me than I ever deserve. A strong mother whose heart is gentle but is as solid as rock. A kind-hearted sister whose unfailing trust, witty banter and disarming frankness never cease to amaze me. A brother whose big heart is a warmth even though it is often lost on many in his stumbled words. A father who despite it all, an amazing figure.

And friends, near and far, whose words of assurance, no matter how little, lifts me from the lowest of lows.

God challenges you so you can ascend to a higher plane of thought. If He made everything easy, we'd never put in the effort to be better versions of ourselves.

The trick is to walk in other shoes to see new perspectives.

And remember why it's worth everything to keep on going.

I keep on writing this again and again so I never forget.

Life is hard. Some days are good, some days are bad. But I keep on fighting because I know it'll all be worth it in the end.

Broken Hearted

2011-09-30T01:07:00.000+08:00

This heart...

Aches

Shakes

Fakes

Grates

Quakes

Breaks.

I wish these aches would stop making me shake in fear and fake a smile as these feeling grates against my bones and has me quaking for an uncertain future that is bound to leave me broken.

Freedom

2011-09-21T10:55:00.000+08:00

Freedom

My hand entangled in your strong ones

Walking down these shopping aisles

past many flavours of the week

We may very well be

running through open fields

An endless sunset making patterns

to which our shadows dance

Windswept hair kissing flushed cheeks

We might as well be

flying

Weightlessness taking over

Clouds between our toes

Praying Infinity finds us

as we grasp on cerulean dreams

passing above way over our heads

And even as reality sinks in

gravity pulling us aground,

Truth is

these moments just being with you

grant me Freedom.

Off the top of my head

2011-09-03T01:56:00.001+08:00

- Selamat Hari Raya, everyone :)
- And happy Merdeka, too.
- To those who know what I mean, the phases are over. I'm on my own. Liberating, yet scary. But here's to hoping I'll hold my own.
- Setar was not forced to shut down, thank God. Was already teetering on the edge, but we were pulled back. So yes, salary salary salary. I can pay for my car, rent, petrol... I can afford to give my parents cash, to my siblings and my grandma, too, and help my mum with some funding for her trip to Holland. Alhamdulillah, that was a very huge sigh of relief.
- Thinking back on a previous entry and other scathing and unapologetic commentaries, I am not sorry for what I said. I feel what I feel and I cannot be sorry for them, lest I be a hypocrite to myself. It may hurt the feelings of some in the process, but as I've said, I write these words here as it is solely a medium of expression. I'm not interested in feedback or reactions towards what I write. And though it is for all to see, I write them thinking as if these are for my eyes only. So whatever nerve I may have struck, if anybody read it for that matter, you are entitled to your opinion and me, mine. Just don't step on my toes while you're at it.
- Again I say, no matter what you think of me, I love my job, and I love where I work. In the same vein as the above point, if you have a problem with me, well, then don't talk to me. We'll get along so much better that way, by not communicating. I'm tired of rude/insensitive/ignorant remarks on my profession or the company I work for. You're not the one working there, so just shut up la right? Let me earn my living the way I see fit, and if you don't like it, then don't follow suit; and even better? Don't talk to me and criticise me.
- Looking forward to an impromptu trip to Langkawi (my colleagues and I impulsively bought a voucher off Groupon for a night's stay in Langkawi, we bought two for a two-nights' stay) in early October :)
- This Raya, it had been nice being able to give than to receive. After so long, it's nice to see the roles reversed for once.
- As these years pass, it's getting harder to explain the absence additions to the family. It's easier in my head, but not as easy on the ears of those who expect reasons.
- On the first day of Raya, I woke up to the voice of the other half of me, separated by distance, but at one in heart. My Asdil's words never fails to light up my day, and it surely did.
- Merdeka was almost forgotten, as predicted. A little sad, even though I'm not particularly one to celebrate it.
- My feline son Freddie went missing for 10 days (4 days before we left for KB and 6 days while we were in KB). Went into a state of sadness that I couldn't help feeling irritable for the first few days in KB. For that I was sorry. But my heard leapt when he was there starving in front of the house when we came back. He was so light and oh so manja. He most probably got chased by the dominant male cats in the area and he got lost and couldn't find his way back. He's been so scared to leave the house and his fur is constantly half fluffed up, like he's ready to get into battle mode. Tonight he got chased again and he got so scared he crapped himself. Poor baby.
- I like taking photos of things, and of myself with friends and family, but not really the type to ask someone to snap a pic of myself. I feel so odd doing that. I will camwhore alone in my own privacy, but never ask someone to take a pic of me if I can avoid it.
- Back to work in a few hours. Time to save the nation.

Here in my head

2011-09-03T00:37:00.002+08:00

I haven't been writing. That's stating the obvious. But my mind's been raging. So many months have passed since I've been able to put pen to paper and let flow these unsaid words; well, in a matter of speaking. There are many things I want to say, but so little energy is left for me to say them.

Who am I kidding? I'm just lazy. This mind has been too preoccupied to exercise my vocabulary into some meaningful prattle that I can find comfort in. Not that I am in any discomfort, but writing eases my mind into solace that drains me of words and thoughts that is like a cancer in me. It empties me to receive loving thoughts and warmth into the spaces of myself.

Here's to myself, to reminding myself to pour more of these thoughts into these limitless spaces to make room for more in my head.

Setar struck hard

2011-08-19T05:27:00.001+08:00

Due to a small honest mistake, a wrong judgment in choosing of front covers, an oversight... we might be losing a good friend in the office. A comrade. One from our ranks. All over a voluntary job he decided take up, he might lose his career altogether. Over something that was blown out of proportion. It was a mistake, yes, and it was sloppy of him to miss that detail, but the consequences...is much too harsh. His fate now lies in the balance. And we can only hope that the party gunning for his suspension, for our shutdown, will take a step back. It's Ramadan for God's sake, forgive. Stop the swearing and accept the apology already.

And speaking of shutdown, as rumour has it, we might just...if people push hard enough. And that means, no pay. No salary. No anything. And it's just a few days to Raya. We have bills to pay, rent to meet, cars, and ultimately, families... A shutdown doesn't mean a free holiday. It means no money in our pockets. How to pay for travelling, for clothes, for food? We'll be celebrating Raya without a cent. Tell me how is that fair punishment for what is only theorised to be a ploy to poke at racial/religious sensitivities?

It's Ramadan. You said it yourself. Tak hormat Ramadan? Perhaps you should look in the mirror when you call out "bullsh*t" and maki us nicely.

Stumbling

2011-08-16T14:54:00.000+08:00

I don't mean to stumble upon you.

But you've got me stumbling...

Worried, scared...that I'll never be everything you could have been. Terrified that my place here is only to half-fill voids.

Ghosts are a-haunting again. Rousing with the shadow of doubt, the smell of fear. They whisper words I have long left forgotten, long thought would stay buried with the rise of dawn.

I am on a lone boat upon a harsh sea. Stumbling upon the waves. Afraid of the deep unknown.

The shore is a long way off, and I do not want to be rescued. I'm in this for the ride. Come wind and high tide. Would you just...come row with me?

I don't want...

2011-08-04T01:30:00.001+08:00

I don't want to be you. Don't get me wrong, I love you. But I don't want to be you. I don't want to live your life. I don't want to be second-guessing life. I don't want to live but not live. I want to live. And I don't want your life. You are beautiful, but I don't want the life you have to live. I hope I don't make the same mistakes. I hope my luck is better than yours. I hope I can correct your wrongs with my right. I hope I can live what you couldn't.

Premiere Screening for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

2011-07-11T13:29:00.001+08:00

After rushing to get a blood test done (I've been suffering from gastritis the past couple of nights and the doctor suggest I have my blood checked), I then rushed to my office to get in line to claim a couple of free passes to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2 Premiere Screening tickets.

I waited about one-and-a-half hours, while hoping no one recognises me as a Setar employee. I was the first 60 people thankfully. I didn't get the special posters, but I got the passes!

It's for tomorrow night (July 12), two days in advance of the actual screening. So happy!

I get to see the premiere screening for the very last movie *happy dance*

Thank you, Setar :D

Surrender

2011-07-03T02:10:00.000+08:00

These thoughts occur very far and long in between one another. It is during these moments of weakness, this helplessness and weariness that makes me want to just give up the fight. I wonder, just wonder and not want, I wonder how easy it would be to just lay down arms and just give up on everything? Surrender every strength I've thought I have and just stop? What is it to just close my eyes and let life leave me? I'm so tired about so many things that my two hands cannot hold on to. I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of waiting for things to get better. I'm tired of climbing into bed each night in search for that elusive fiend called sleep. How would it be to just give up the fight? Take the coward's way out and flee from the coming dark? How would it be, just to forget about all that I hold dear and close my eyes and disappear?

...

2011-07-02T16:28:00.002+08:00

shit.

Moments

2011-07-02T13:05:00.000+08:00

Those little moments, his small gestures, the simplest of words; they play again and again in my head like a melody you cannot get out of your head. It makes me hum along and smile, like an inside joke only I understand. They are the simplest kind, something as forgettable as your next breath, a moment so fleeting you'd miss if you blink. But only to another person. To me, these are the moments that make time without him fly by. They keep me warm in my chilly office and caresses my heart to comfort the tense nerves. These are the moments I treasure, a catalogue of intimacies between the two of us that closes the chasm lying in the middle when we are apart. His gestures like a tattoo burned into the expanse of my skin leaves a lingering warmth that I wear on me like a second skin. And when we're together again, he renews these emotions, stirs them up again and set me on fire anew.

Heart

2011-06-27T03:40:00.001+08:00

It's okay, Heart. Only we know what's in our heart of hearts. It's hard to put into words the hurt and pain. Everybody wants to win, the black knights and the white steeds, never stopping to see themselves treading on the shades of grey. Nevermind. If our hearts all laid bare, we'd never have to feel the frustration of misunderstanding. Never have to feel the twinge of mistrust. Never have the need for condemnation, when you see the truth of it in the open chest, revealing in all vulnerability this bleeding heart.

It's okay, Heart. No one said this would be easy. But I'm still gonna do it my way.

Eff Off

2011-06-24T23:02:00.000+08:00

I was reading THIS a while ago.

But first, I'm angry, so excuse my French and expect some uncharacteristic swearing.

And second, a disclaimer:

I have no political leanings as I think it's all gone to shit. Right here, right now, I have no respect for either side; I might change my mind someday, but now I am neutral. I have no patience for elections, and cannot care less to register to vote. Anyone who would like to criticise me for this, fuck off. This is not the first time I said it, and this won't be my last for sure. And as much as I hate to discuss politics, especially on my personal blog, I have to get this out. Just like you think *your opinion* is the definition of righteousness, I think mine is equally valid. And my opinion and thought is that I don't want to vote. You want to get on my case? Fine, but do it silently. Because while you waste your time telling me how (quoted off some righteous bastard telling me to vote) I am "one of the ignorant young people who is messing up the votes", what I really think of you is: "Wow, for somebody who is advocating freedom of speech, you sure aren't allowing my freedom of speech." So fuck off. I will vote if I want to. That's my right and freedom to choose. And if I don't want to, you're a bloody hypocrite if you criticise me for not doing so.

Okay, now back to the article at the link above. I'm pissed off, so let me say this in point form. Or I will rant till the cows come home.

First of all, again: Fuck you people who criticise my job and/or the company I work for. I'm working an honest job for an honest pay to pay my bills and put a roof on top of my head. This is the best job I've had and I am appreciated and treated with respect. How many jobs do that to you?
While I am not bashing the article above per se, I am pissed off with the generalisation that we media are free to say what we want to say. It's easy to say Setar says is propaganda, but did you even stop to think that we can write what we actually feel or think? Do you think any of us would have jobs if we reported everything as it is? You blame the journalists and the editors, easy la for you to say while typing behind your keyboards, but come on la, this is Malaysia, we obviously cannot breathe too loud or sigh to heavily. Did you ever think of that? Or are you so bent to prove a point that you put aside "intelligence" to say we are all mindless drones of a hive? Seriously, don't be so stupid and ignorant. As if you don't know the real landscape behind this all. If it were that easy to say things in the paper, don't you think we would have had such opinions in the news by now?
I am a frikkin' sub-editor. I edit the news. I write the headlines as per the story given. You want to get on my case for being involved in the story? Dude, I didn't even write it. I just edited it. Please don't be so self-absorbed okay? You think we all are lapdogs hungry for a pat on the head? Hello, we have rent to make. Bills to pay. Parents to finance. Siblings who need pocket money. Tummies to feed. Everything is expensive, and good jobs are hard to come by. Who the fuck do you think you are to tell me to get out of such a company? Do you yourself know the inner-workings of your company? Is it all clean? Are you sure at some level money is exchanging hands under the table? Don't just talk la. Your over-generalisation just makes you shallow.
If you wanna criticise the paper, fine. But boleh tak don't pandai-pandai put the blame on the writers and editors. How long have you been living in Malaysis to say all that? Tak tau-tau lagi ke how it all works here? Saying that we are not reporting the truth. Whatever you construe as being the truth might not be the same for others. And whatever the truth is, obviously we cannot report it blow by blow or else the entire editorial will be blown out the window as we are all fired and spontaneously combust.
So all in all, please fuck off all "friends" and other people who have continuously pissed me off when they criticise me about my working for the Setar. I'm tired of this childish shit.

Politics is politics. The many shades of its grey is a matter of opinion. I have mine and you have yours. Please don't shove yours down my throat. If you really want to fight for the freedom of speech, this is where you begin.

Points to ponder

2011-06-21T01:40:00.000+08:00

Points to ponder:

Did you never talk to us because your mind had always been far away? Or had you been far away because we never talked to you?

But then again,

Why is it that every wrong word that comes out of our mouths are met with swift backlashing, even if it was accidental, or not meant to hurt? It only forced us back into silence.

So,

Were we never enough to begin with that you found fault in everything we did, and forced us to tread on eggshells in your presence? Or was it that you never realised that you pushed us into silence, which caused you to get bored of us?

Sincerely, Me

2011-06-20T10:54:00.000+08:00

Dear You,

I wish I could say all the things that needs to be said, say the things that you need to hear. Say to you the things I feel and feel is right. I wish you would have left the light on instead of choosing the suffocating dark. I wish, I wish, I wish... I wish for so many things. For you. I wish that this was never a choice you were given to make.

Forgive me for treading on dangerous grounds. Forgive me for risking the sting of your heart should you come across these words. Forgive me for thinking thus so, but you are made for so much more than this.

I wish, I wish, I wish...that things never had to go this way. I wish that your paths were many, and this path of thorns was not a temptuous beckoning, the dark stranger so intriguing in its mystery. Though I'd walk these thorns for you, pull you back onto these long, but sure roads, these hooked thorns that snagged the edges of your heart will never truly bear the same shape.

Dear You, I wish these were thoughts that we never pondered, words we never uttered. I wish these were shadows never had to cast a worrying doubt in my subconcious fears. I wish I never had to lose what was left of my naivete so damningly.

You, you're so much more than this. You deserve so much more than this. I hope you forgive me for thinking the way I do, but it's true. And Friend, I love you. Be strong and hold on.

Sincerely,
Me.

Don't you wanna...?

2011-06-10T14:03:00.000+08:00

Quiet

2011-05-31T23:41:00.001+08:00

It's been a little quiet here, because, it's been a little quiet in my head. Just a little, of course, those whispering ghosts never do cease their haunting, but save for that, a somewhat calm has taken over me.

I find that calmness renders me uncreative, and words don't come as freely as when emotions come rushing to the fore. They stay dormant, waiting at the edge of my conciousness when I am but a still figure in the middle of an empty room.

I've moved house in early May. It's a much bigger, more comfortable...it makes me feel like I have a much wider space for my thoughts to float in. I feel small in my room, lying in the middle of it with a book tucked in my hands and pillows against my back and cushioning my head. The house is somewhat expensive, yes; a worry that is at the back of my mind. But for the moment, I do not want this worry to mar the peaceful surface of my calm.

In my quietness, I've been feeling content. Put aside all the worries and the troubling outside my door, and I am in a little piece of solace. A part where no one can hurt me. Like I say so many times and never tire of saying, I have a wonderful family who loves me in spite of it all, who is always there for me. A significant other who tirelessly stands by my side, loving and giving, and is my rock who keeps me grounded. And I have friends whom, despite the length and breadth of our separation, care for me.

Life is always good if you take the time to find the things that make you happy. Sometimes you have to close your eyes for a while, and let them sink down into the depths of the recesses of your mind and let them be forgotten. Instead, hang on to the floating lifelines at the surface. Quietly but surely, you'll reach the shore.

:P

2011-05-26T21:01:00.001+08:00

I love how he can still make me feel like a lovestruck 16-year-old :D

Maybe it's something in the water...

2011-04-16T00:49:00.000+08:00

Or maybe it was hormones or the depression of being homeless soon and not being able to find a house yet.

I just watched the episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S when Rachel gives birth to baby Emma. Started crying and just could not stop. My eyes are all puffy and my nose is getting all runny.

Still hard to rein myself in. *sob*

Jantung Hatiku

2011-04-11T08:43:00.000+08:00

If there was ever a doubt in me that you love me, there was this one moment when I stopped doubting.

It was the night when you held my hand tight and whispered in my ear about how much you love me as this song became the background to my beating heart. I fell in love again that night, and I fell in love with this song, too.

Happy third anniversary, Asdil.

Love Song

2011-04-10T13:43:00.000+08:00

My other half

2011-04-09T13:21:00.005+08:00

Lucky for me, I've found my other half.

Taken, and unstirred

2011-04-08T11:55:00.022+08:00

#3

A conversation with a friend revealed a certain comment made by her then significant other that I could be un-taken if I so wished it. The comment was made due to there being some interest in me by some people affiliated with this then significant other of a friend.

The first mention of it made me rage a little, pissed off at the thought that he would even presume that it is possible. But perhaps circumstances would have made that seem possible indeed, and because of that, I did not pursue the matter.

But here's me thinking on my own, no, I cannot be untaken, as he so simply said. I have just this one heart to give. It is not to be broken to pieces to be distributed. It cannot be shared. It cannot be exchanged for new. It's mine, and I'd only give it to somebody whom I trust and know could keep it safe. And it already is.

Maybe it's easy for some people to play around with hearts. But mine is not. It's yours, and I'd like it to stay that way,

Sampai menutup mata

2011-04-07T11:42:00.012+08:00

Remember I used to love to sing this song whenever us Twisties went out karaoke-ing?

Well, this song never meant much to me other than the fact it's one of the only songs I can sing.

But now it does, and it's true how it's hard for me to fall in love, but I did so so easily with you.

And I'll love you until I close my eyes for the very last time.

Accidentally in love

2011-04-06T05:16:00.000+08:00

A song that always reminds me of us,

because we just happen to be accidentally in love.

Note to self

2011-04-05T05:16:00.000+08:00

Precious moments

2011-04-04T05:08:00.000+08:00

#7

Sometimes I worry that my odd working hours would jeopardise our relationship. I work from 4pm to 2am, and even on weekends. I hardly get to see you. Between my work and your classes, the only time we have is when I have off days, no matter how rare they are, or when you drop by between or after classes.

These are precious moments to me. My off days, I have to split between seeing my family and seeing you. Whatever time I get I want to spend as much as I can with you. It's not easy, but even if they are just a few moments, they mean the world to me. Just being close to you, talking to you, laughing with you and just enjoying a few brief moments with you, makes my heart swell.

It's difficult. But when I think of a wonderful life we have ahead of us, of how wonderful it'd be to spend my life with my best friend, I know this will all be worth it in the end.

Terrified

2011-04-03T02:43:00.000+08:00

I'm in love, but I'm terrified.

Because the more I fall in love with you,

the more I am afraid of the thought of losing you.

Because no one can replace you in my life.

Friends forever

2011-04-02T22:11:00.026+08:00

There's nothing better than being in love with your best friend,

sharing laughter and stories and more with each other.

It is the little things that fills the spaces of my heart and makes it so full.

And it's in the dew of the morning, I wake up and memories come rushing forth,

of being yours, of being happy and everything falls in place.

Checklist

2011-04-01T21:39:00.009+08:00

#10

Except; let's just change the spiders bit with frogs.

Please catch them, and put them far far away from me.

You're here

2011-03-31T21:27:00.014+08:00

#11

In my heart is where you'll always be.

You're the fire in my heart, the warmth that keeps me glowing.

It is many things

2011-03-30T23:32:00.006+08:00

#12

Love is many things. But the many things are all because of you.

Selfless

2011-03-29T23:10:00.004+08:00

#13

Asdil had to attend court today. He received a subpoena the day before asking him to present himself as a witness to a crime that happened in November last year. I accompanied him there, first time for both of us ever being near or in court. The court case is to be moved to another day, though, because the accused claimed that he is not well enough to go through the hearing. Total bull, of course, but I suppose that's how it goes for these kind of case.

So what happened? Well, long story short, Asdil saw a man fall off a bike, and another man yelled out that the man just stole the motorbike. The man ran and Asdil gave chase. After some heart-stopping stunts, Asdil, along with some help, managed to nab the guy and turn him in.

I wasn't there, of course, when the crime happened. when Asdil told me about it, how he chased the man right up along the LDP, for the most part I was worried about how much he risked his safety. But at the same time, I couldn't help feeling so proud of his selflessness in wanting to put an end to the crime.

This is a glimpse into why when I'm with him, I know I can trust him with my life. He selflessly puts others before himself, he's protective and makes me feel safe. And even when he's not around, I know he's just at the other end of the phone, and will always be here for me. Asdil's my hero, and I love him.

P/s: Happy 26th wedding anniversary to my parents :)

Things I like about...

2011-03-28T23:09:00.000+08:00

#14

Okay, we both know I don't drink coffee...but for my sake let's imagine that I do (I do like the smell anyway). Or better yet, replace coffee with tea. I LOVE TEA!

P/s: Okay, I know I'm cheating here. I posted this real late, but I've been super duper busy at work and at home. I've been doing World news at work, and it's been keeping me on my toes. I've been doing proofreading for my friends, and I've been helping my Asdil with assigments. So eventhough I haven't had the time to post anything, my time was well spent with people I care about.

Love is...

2011-03-27T23:29:00.008+08:00

#15

Love is...knowing you're with me even when you're not here. It is the whisper in the wind that tells me you love me despite everything. It is the comfort I feel when I close my eyes as I sleep. But most importantly, my love is you.

A mess

2011-03-26T23:20:00.002+08:00

#16

'nuff said

Friday, I'm in love!

2011-03-25T21:52:00.000+08:00

#17

Your kisses:

Something I'll never get tired of.

2011-03-24T23:14:00.000+08:00

#18

And when I start flying too far away, I hope you'll be the one holding my kitestring and keep me grounded. When the clouds beckon me a little too much, I hope you bring me back down to earth again. And in return, I'll be the one to make sure you're never lonely. I'll be the one to love you and remind you who you are if you forget. I'll be the comfort you need, and the light that warms your heart and puts a glow around you.

Picture credited to [this site]

If there was eternity

2011-03-23T22:34:00.001+08:00

#19

No, not *if*, I will love you for an eternity.

Still

2011-03-22T23:00:00.003+08:00

#20

Willow: I'd still if you'd still

Oz: I'd still. I'd very still

Several decades down the road, I think we'll be like this. Still. But you know what the best thing is? That we'll be like that still. We'd still be together. And I'll still love you and want to drive around with you and talk, despite arguments and nagging and whatever else we old marrieds can come up with then. Just being in the car with you and enjoying your company and conversation, that is something that can never grow old.

Om nom nom nom

2011-03-21T23:19:00.000+08:00

#21

I love you like cookies. Yummylicious chocolate chip with pecans cookies.

I'm like Cookie Monster that way :)

Mmm..cookies! Om nom nom nom....

Paperweight

2011-03-20T23:52:00.000+08:00

#22

Another song that always reminds me of you.

"Every word you say I wish I could write down... Don't wanna forget come daylight"

Sometimes

2011-03-19T23:47:00.000+08:00

#23

Sometimes, admittedly, the days are hard. I try to brush it aside, make light of the things that are damaging my calm and close my eyes and count to 10. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Sometimes it's alright. I mean, it happens, and you learn to take the punches and just turn the page. And sometimes, there are days where I want to just take comfort in your arms and hear your reassuring words.

I'm not asking for a solution, not asking you to fight my battles, not asking for much. I just want you to lend me your strength, hold me and let me let go of the demons I'm fighting in me.

When I'm with you, I find strength that I don't know I have. I find the dawn at the end of a dark night. I feel weightless when I'm in your arms. And when I'm with you, the world stops short outside the door.

Sometimes, I just wish we don't have to find time to be together. Let time find us to remind us of the passing of the hours.

Friendship, Love & Loyalty

2011-03-18T23:30:00.000+08:00

#24

I wear both rings (since it's too loose on you) just to feel like you're close when you aren't.

It's only words

2011-03-17T22:24:00.000+08:00

#25

Sometimes, words are not needed. The look in your eyes says more than words ever can.

Open Oceans

2011-03-16T23:19:00.000+08:00

#26

These spaces feel
like open oceans
Waiting
Just waiting for
the ship to sail in
the waves to break
my heart to un-ache
to reignite this flame.
The wind whispers
your name, a teasing
tickle at the edge
of my seeping
drowning
conciousness.
Anchor me with
the weight of you
And never leave
me drifting again.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2011

Hug

2011-03-15T23:19:00.001+08:00

#27

P/s: Please hurry.

Without you things go hazy

2011-03-14T22:54:00.001+08:00

#28

This song always makes me think of you.

I watched you sleepin' quietly in my bed

You don't know this now but
There's somethings that need to be said
And it's all that I can hear
It's more than I can bear
What if I fall and hurt myself
Would you know how to fix me?
What if went and lost myself
Would you know where to find me?
If forgot who I am
Would you please remind me?
Oh, cause without you things go hazy.

The Little Things

2011-03-13T18:28:00.001+08:00

#29

Sometimes it is not the elaborate gestures that tug so hard at these heart strings. It's the little things that can mean so much, be the weight that makes my heart so full, threatening to burst with so much emotion.

Like, the way you're always the first one who'd reach out to hold hands as we walk. Like how you'd brush my hair away when it gets in my face. It can be the hugs that we'd share after a few days apart. Or talking in the car as we drive. Or singing the same songs, even if my song-knowledge can definitely not surpass yours.

And it can even be a simple sms or a call. It might not seem like much, but the thought that you might be missing me just like I am missing you could really make my day. Just a few words by sms could send me soaring.

It can be just cooking together, then sitting down while watching a movie. It can be just being in the same room, reading different books, but just being together.

Mundane, I know, but it's the little things that remind me I'm alive and in love. And for that I am thankful.

I love you, Asdil.

Let it dawn on you

2011-03-12T18:44:00.001+08:00

#30

To my one and only,

P/S: *into -- sub-editor fail *facepalm*

First Kiss

2011-03-11T23:02:00.007+08:00

#31

Contrary to popular belief, I was never kissed by a certain someone that I was in a relationship with before Asdil. Nor did my first boyfriend and I ever share anything remotely intimate, not even hold hands.

But then again, some of you might know that I never had any real chemistry with my first boyfriend. And my second boyfriend and I lived quite far from one another and my father was never one to let me go out, hence we never did have much time to spend together, nor share anything more than smses and hopes and dreams.

Contrary to popular belief, I was never kissed by any one of the two boyfriends I've had prior to Asdil. Nor have I ever kissed or been kissed by anyone by accident, on an impulse, on a dare... Cheeks don't count, of course. I'm talking full on lips here.

So, in case you haven't caught on yet, I was a kiss virgin at 22; that is, until Asdil and I shared that fateful kiss in the early morning light in the back of Yumi's car.

It wasn't something I meant to hide, it's just that I never committed my answer to a "yes" or a "no", since well, nobody really asked. Everybody assumed that I have kissed, and I never thought to correct them. I'm sorry, though, to the friends that have asked me things like "Is so-and-so a good kisser?" and I just said something like "Yeah, he's pretty alright". You people know who you are, especially on one occasion at the Karak highway McDonald's where some of the Twisties quizzed me on kissing techniques.

So yeah, that would explain the blush and the reluctance to answer the questions asked of me that time and the reason why I declined to kiss a certain Twistie during that Truth or Dare session we had. Truth was, I was saving my first kiss for someone, someone who I felt would make that kiss special and I wanted the kiss to be a promise of something more, not a meaningless peck between platonic friends to fulfil a dare. I didn't know who that someone would be, but I was willing to wait.

My waiting didn't take long.

A few days after our game of Truth or Dare, in what would be the beginning of something wonderful, heart in my throat, in all uncertainty yet certain that this was the moment I was waiting for, I met Asdil halfway for a wonderful first kiss.

And the rest, they say, is history.

And another gone and another one gone

2011-03-06T23:00:00.001+08:00

Unconciously, I've been singing Queen's Another one bites the dust. I at first figured that it was from all the uploading of Freddie's pictures the other night. After all, I did name him after Freddie Mercury.

But now that I think about it, I think I'm singing it because Aaina just got hitched to Walad -- Finally! So so happy for them. So glad that they are safely married and now starting a new life together as husband and wife. Whoa...life is going by so fast. It feels like only yesterday we were all still in IIU and going to classes and going for late night drives...

It caught my heart abit, seeing my friends getting married... It's like, you ask yourself, when did we grow up? No matter how old we felt when we were still students, thinking we have grown so much, it turns out that we have grown abit more than that. And here's a new chapter now.

So Aaina, many many congratulations from the bottom of my heart. I was your roommate for quite some years, and I've seen your ups and downs and felt helpless when you were hurt, not knowing what to do. I'm happy to see you finally reach this point of your relationship, and hope that it will last you both forever.

We may not have been in constant touch over these past couple of years, but it doesn't change how much I care for you as a friend. So Walad, you better take care of her, because there are a lot of people to answer to (including me), if you don't.

But threat aside :P, congratulations. I hope you like the gifts :)

And another one gone and another gone...

Love, Linzy~

Find me

2011-02-16T00:09:00.001+08:00

Can you find me again?

I think I am lost.

Running deeper into the woods I built around myself.

Come find me.

Find me...

I'm here.
I'd rather be lost in you.

Empty dreams

2011-01-18T04:01:00.001+08:00

In the short moments I managed to find the solace of sleep after many restless and sleepless nights, I dreamed deep and found you there. Your arms were the welcoming comfort I've been longing for, and you held them out for an embrace that calmed the troubled waters of my heart.

And in all the days spent in the moments of that brief dream, I believed it was true, thought it was really you in ways that only you could be. But I stirred, and my hand clutched emptily at the void on the bed, and I felt the shatter of a hope that brought me to tears yet again.

lost

2011-01-17T07:35:00.001+08:00

food has lost its taste
there is always too much space
heart beats with much haste
false smiles etched on my face
feel like sleeping for days
and dream dreams i cannot chase

Drowning

2011-01-13T06:04:00.000+08:00

'Tis not the dark I fear, but the thought I'd lose my way, blindly drowning deeper into the shadowed depths of a yesterday's setting sun. I've been lost before, found comfort in hiding teardrops in the black of night. But this, this is something else.

Surfacing plays like a heady dream at the edge of consciousness, like deep-sea diving and looking up at an all too distant sky that feels like at the point of your fingertips. Just a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit, a little... And as the last seconds tick off the moments you have left breathing, you realise that you never get closer, but is just the illusion from the gentle sway of the water, distorting light as if it was only but a breath's reach.

I'm drowning still in the dark. Choked from the void. Stifled from this blanketing silence. I've been here before, yes I have. The restlessness a familiar stain that never washed out. Many a time I believed I made part of the ensemble; a painting of rejection, the tearful resignation, made to be broken again and again, fixed up, then back again. You'd think I'd have numbed it down, hollowed by secondhand heartaches, and bleached through with empty smiles.

I've been here before. The dark knows my name, knows that he was once the only company I knew and knew I own the deep-seated fear of being sent to him again. But it is not him I fear. No.

They say, it's darkest before dawn. And in my doing time in the recesses of the stillness before the break of the light, I felt the swell of the morning bright. I've been saved by the dawn once, like I knew he'd come.

But this time, the shadow cast over my head leaves me trapped in a fog that thickens the air and suffocates me. I'm drowning without hitting bottom nor seeing the light of the sky, and I don't know if I'll ever see it again.

Oh tell me, tell me if the water off my back is the morning dew, the gentle gift of the break of a new dawn. Or is it a dream, and am I slowly drowning deeper down.

Misery

2011-01-12T02:33:00.001+08:00

We have to stop meeting like this. Say goodbye to the night and leave the rain we use as guise. And you have to stop dropping in, saying "hi" from time to time. Just let my lonely nights go on by.

I could have sworn I pulled the lock, thought I saw you to the door. But here you again, like you did before.

Then I'd boil the water, steep the tea, and from across the divide of the table, again you'd say, "join me".

"Didn't I say hearts get in the way. Everyone gets a chance to play, but in the end, all losers in the fray. Didn't I warn of storm and thunder, hearts being torn asunder in the rapid heat of blinding blunder. Didn't I say, you'd come back to me. Reminded of what it used to be. A shadow of yourself is all to see".

Well, maybe, maybe. But I know how Misery loves company. And you're here only to make merry your lonesome party.

We have to not meet like this ever more, because I don't believe in you anymore. No matter what I said before.

This is only but a moment. A fraction in the infinity of time spent. Step aside and let it happen.

25 on the 25th!

2010-12-25T01:58:00.000+08:00

Happy 25th Birthday Self!

Lost

2010-11-14T04:01:00.003+08:00

SOMETIMES I FEEL LOST

AND I FADE INTO THE BACKGROUND

BUT I NEVER WORRY...

BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME

I LOVE YOU, ASDIL

YOURS FOREVER AND ALWAYS, HAZLIN

A case of paranoia

2010-11-10T21:45:00.000+08:00

I don't know what got into me last night. Hormones, maybe?

I came down with a slight case of paranoia. Heck, 'slight' is the understatement of the century. Make that paranoia of gigantic proportions. It was a case of fear, and worry and a sense of doubt eating into my faith.

Damn you, doubt.

I assure you, I'm fine and all is good in my world. It just needed to be put back right at the axis. And now I'm spinning fine again.

Life is full of uncertainties, yes. One is right to question things to get a deeper understanding. And in my questioning and fleeting doubt, I only love deeper.

Fragile

2010-11-10T02:55:00.000+08:00

My heart has been in all the wrong places. It's pulling me in so many directions that I cannot tell which way is right. Which way is right?

I'm fragile. My heart is fragile. I can feel it threatening to break at every jostle, every rough edge. I can feel it waiting for the fall, waiting for the other shoe to drop, dreading the end of a fairytale.

I've been fragile. The road seems too long, and I feel to fragile, too vulnerable. I'm afraid of the in-betweens.

It's still hard for me to believe it all. Too used to heartache to know the difference. Surrounded by one too many hardened, jaded souls to completely let myself go. People have me thinking, what-if what-if.

I'm too fragile. I'm standing on the edge of a knife, and I think I might just be split in two.

I'm wrong to feel this way. I know I am. The doubts are eating into me. My faith is shaken.

But these doubts are baseless, other than underlying fear.

I'm just fragile. I don't ever remember being this way. So used to keeping my heart so well-guarded from any more pain. I've been there once, and I live in fear of that happening again.

I am afraid. I am afraid of fragility. I am afraid of things I cannot control. I am afraid of losing. I am afraid of being alone.

One side of me has utmost faith, can see the future playing out. The other side of me is in constant fear, dread, waiting for my time to run out, just like before.

I don't know where my mind is. I don't know where my heart is.

Can you please come put it back where it's supposed to be?

Upset

2010-11-03T18:40:00.000+08:00

I don't like being upset, it turns me reckless, impairs my judgment and makes me feel like crap. When I'm upset, I drive like a maniac.

I don't like being upset because my biggest fear is losing the people I love. Should anything happen to me, or others, I don't want my last memory of them to be that of anger or of a misunderstanding with them.

I don't like being upset because it can drastically transform my day from good to bad.

I don't like feeling upset because I won't be able to sleep peacefully, won't be able to do anything right until I see the person, and and make peace with them.

And right now, all I can think about is to make amends.

In memory of Amirah Anuar

2010-10-26T12:39:00.000+08:00

In Memory of Amirah Anuar
4th May 1985 - 26th October 2010

It's heart-warming, and yet heartbreaking, to see old friends from SMK Seksyen 9, Shah Alam unite as one to pay their last respects in memory of an old friend and schoolmate, Amirah Anuar. After years of being apart, separated by distance, time, jobs and various obligations, we are all different people now; but in a time of sorrow, it reverberates through all of us the gravity of this heavy weight that bears down on all of us.

We have lost one among our ranks.

We all shared one memory of being in the same school, walking down the same corridors, standing in that same hall, singing the same songs. We were different people, we were from different groups and cliques, maybe liked or hated each other. Nevertheless, we had camaraderie, we had a friend in common.

At one point or another, we might have bumped into Amirah, talked to her, shared a smile as we passed one another, been classmates... At one point or another, even if it was just for a moment, Amirah had been a part of our lives.

For me, I was her classmate in Form 2. 2 Yakin 1999 to be precise. My memory of her was that she taught me the love for make-up. We discovered the many different types of lip gloss and balms, eye shadow and the power of facial blotters. We shared posters from magazines and exchanged lyrics. She borrowed a few of my tapes to listen at home. We shared magazines to read when we were bored. We sang the same songs and joked about in class. We gossiped and laughed like any 14-year-old would. She was also a comforting friend when the challenges of being 14 got too hard to bear. In a few words, Amirah was my friend.

I may not have had the chance to get to know her past the year of being classmates. I may not have kept in touch beyond school, even. But Amirah, you will be remembered, and you will be missed.

May you be placed among those with faith. Al-Fatihah.
Condolences to your family.

A little crazy

2010-10-22T02:27:00.000+08:00

Things can get a little crazy here in Linzy Land. Cash is always an issue thanks to finicky housemates, hefty TNB bills that only makes an appearance after two months with warning letter about paying bills on time (Hello? How about giving me the bill on time?), car problems that need repairing, much needed car petrol, and stupid Maxis bills that don't make sense.

Things are quite hectic as well, taking as many OTs (meaning that I finish at 2am) as I can, and doing freelance proofreading. These two I'm not complaining about, because the extra cash helps me stay afloat. But it does sap energy off of me.

Some days I wake up late and in a daze, feeling guilty of having missed the morning. It's hard to take that first step out of bed and out of the room and out of the house after working all night. My inactivity has further led me to put on more weight which makes me furious at myself.

Oddly though, life is good. Yeah, the crappy parts are, well, crap, but overall, it's been good. I enjoy my work, it finally feels fulfilling and I see a future in where I am. I think I can go far working here. I think I can give more to my family now, because my constant depression (when I was at my old company) has faded away and I can be a better person for them. And eventhough I don't see them as often, but the distance has made me feel all the more thankful of what I have.

The anticipation of going home to see my family makes me so excited that I feel like I need to buy gifts for everybody each time I go home. Making stops here and there to pick up a book for my sister, some Popeye's fried chicken for my brother, some home decor stuff for my mom and something my dad would like if I find any (he's a tough person to buy for :p). And when I get home, an almost audible sigh of relief escapes me.

Living in PJ also means I get to see friends more often. Well, not that often, but with my no longer being so far away in Cyberjaya, it's easier to plan for meetups with friends. And my colleagues are great friends, too. It's important, you know, to love the people you work with. Otherwise work will be only partly fulfilling, and you'd feel an emptiness when going to work everyday.

Asdil, of course, fills in the gaps, being all that I need. We don't see each other as often now, with my working at night and on weekends, too, and with him having classes all the way in Cheras every weekday til late. But I think that makes us stronger as a couple, and makes us grow better with each step, and hopefully prepares us better for our future.

I like the days when I have the day off, and we don't feel like going out for dinner. He'd come over and we'd cook dinner ourselves, and he'd cook up one of his mystery dishes. Then we'd have dinner while watching a comedy. It's simple, homey, and better than any fancy dinner we can ever have.

Yes, life is good. It seems like that is all I've been saying these past few entries (as far in between as they are), but that's the basic fact. Trying to make ends meet, living on your own and scraping through the month makes you go crazy, but in the end it is all worth it.

Because the bottom line is, you know that nothing in life comes for free. You have to work to get what you want, and that includes going through the hard times. I always keep in mind that Allah SWT gives to those who puts in the effort to work to reach their goals. And that keeps me going. One day, this will all pay off.

One day I will repay my parents for all they have given to me. I will make sure my little brother and sister will have a good role model and grow up to be good people. I will see that I will be there for my friends when they need someone to be their friend. One day, God willing, Asdil and I will be together for keeps and keep on being each others' shoulder to lean on.

Love,
Linzy

Not losing heart

2010-10-04T12:58:00.029+08:00

I have a lot more strength of heart than I often give myself credit for.

Sometimes, i dismiss it to wave away a heartfelt observation from a friendly party commenting on my ability to take so much, and get back only but a little. But more often than not, the discredit comes from not wanting to rely so much on pride than the actual quality itself. Because the more one romances the elation of a compliment, the more the fire burns, consuming the reason for the compliment itself. In its place then lies a facade of what should really be.

And that's my weakness, see. I am driven by pride. I take it all, knowing I can do it, but not understanding the limits of these two hands. In constantly outdoing myself again and again, I often forget I am what I am because of who I am, not what they say I am. Does that make sense to you?

My days are often time spent lost in the recesses of my mind. Compartmentalising, storing, feeling, prioritising... It helps me stay sane in the way I know how. Letting the pain and any other bothersome emotions wash through me in the quiet moments to myself, then leaving the dealing part to deal with. It's effective, but sometimes the heart grows weary, and sometimes gets numb from the being on the sharp edge of the knife.

Ah, but this heart is weary. All my life seems to be converging in on me, trying to happen all at once. It's wonderful, it's overwhelming, it's scary... And while I can take it all, serve them up on a platter and swallow the bitter pills that they sometimes are, I sometimes feel that this body is growing weak from lack of maintainence.

My heart is strong, but my body is weak, in more ways than one. There is a lethargy in my limbs that have set in from neglect. An almost surrender to the contours of the bed as I stretch my mind to its very limits. I have to put an end to that sooner or later, and I only hope it would be sooner.

But then, where I lack in physical strength, Asdil bridges the gap. Sometimes, all I really need is for him to hold my kitestring to make sure I don't fly too high up and disappear behind the clouds. I need him to tether me down when I'm too far, I need him to ground me in reality.

The strength he offers me can simply be the space between his arms and his chest. Or sometimes the crook of his neck where I burrow my face in as he encircles an arm around me. Or even his errant gesture of rubbing the side of my crown in assurance. And even just his hand reaching over to take mine. It doesn't take much. It's like time stops when I'm with him. And the demons that plague my thoughts decide to quiet down as I am wrapped in the moment.

I think in that way we compliment one another.

I kid you not, life has its moments. When it's hard, it really is. But those breath-catching moments, even if they are only a precious few, makes it all worth it. I can be strong, and I am strong, but the fight is only worth it if you have a reason to fight for. And I fight for the love of life, for my family, for my Asdil, for my friends, and for simply me and the future I want to have.

So, Heart, it's you and me. Let's see where this life takes us.

Love,
Hazlin

E.x.p.e.c.t.a.t.i.o.n.s.

2010-09-25T03:16:00.002+08:00

Don't talk to me about e.x.p.e.c.t.a.t.i.o.n.s.

It's a dirty word, the way it rolls off the tongue every single time and dances in the dirt every time I toss it behind me. Again and again.

Don't tell me about your e.x.p.e.c.t.a.t.i.o.n.s.

I'm getting weary of being expected to answer questions I do not have the answer to. Weary of definitions when there is nothing to define. Weary, I'm just weary.

It's difficult enough being on the outside looking in. Always the spectator. Only on the sidelines. A wallflower.

Made to feel like I'm wilting.

Don't think I haven't shed tears. It overwhelms me too much, this wanting, this yearning.

You don't think.

I don't even know whether I'll make it through today, let alone tomorrow.

I'm scared of a million and one things. Of this fragile heart that is built on promises and hopes. Of fairytales that can be untold. Of kitestrings that can be cut free. Of crossing paths that might entangle. Of foundations that might break. Of everything that might fall apart.

And then these expectations, will be just that: expectations.

And never reality.

Hush Self

2010-09-23T04:17:00.000+08:00

Hush Self, you are much too proud. Too battered and beaten over the years by strongly-worded letters, rejection and battle scars. These walls are high up way to far. These walls you built with your own two hands. And your many a time wounded heart.

Hush Self, suck it up, bite your tongue. Let the doors stay closed but easily opened. Let not indignation guard the door. I promise we won't hurt like before. Those days are long gone, take those defenses from the fore. Leave, just leave the your lashing tongue, steel heart and dagger eyes at the door.

Hush Self, calm yourself down. Life is long, and yet too short for a frown. It's a long way up, and the fall is too far down.

Hush now. Self, hush. Let it wash over you, feel the rush.

At the moment

2010-09-23T01:23:00.002+08:00

I haven't been writing. Well, that's just stating the obvious.

My head's been full, but my hands even fuller. And my heart feels empty.

Hence nothing fills this empty space.

So here are a few things from the top of my head:

Raya was one of the most uneventful I've had in years. My dad had to leave for HR training in Sweden on the first day of eid. This means that (a) - we cannot go back to my mom's hometown in Kelantan, (b) - we are stuck in Seremban for the rest of Raya, and (c) - we won't be doing anything at all. So sure enough, we stayed at home, played games, watched tv, ate and sleep.
Attended my ex-boss' wedding in Seremban and Melaka. Am so very very happy for him. If there was one person I really respected in WK in months gone by, it was him. He had faith in me and stuck by me all the way through despite all the crap stuff I got from my other superiors. It's nice to see him happy.
I'm glad the fasting month is over. I can get back to my normal eating habits and lose all that I've gained. Yes, fasting month is not a month to lose weight as many might assume. It's the complete opposite.
I was VERY VERY DISAPPOINTED that the one thing that I was craving for I did not get. I wanted BUBUR LAMBUK so bad. And I didn't even manage to find any. And I am still craving :(
I'm considering joining a fitness programme cos since I started working, I've put on a lot of weight rapidly.
I would like to say that I prefer a subtle obsession for the Whedonverse. I do not like to gush about it nor do I like to discuss it out in the open for everyone to hear. I like to indulge in my infatuation quietly but surely.
I am too proud. I need to tone it down. It has toned down some this past year, and yet, it needs to go down several notches lower.

That's all for the moment. I'm having too much of a brainfreeze to think of anything else.

Love,
Linzy

Miserable

2010-09-06T22:16:00.004+08:00

I feel miserable today.

My mood was spoiled so early in the morning.

No sign of it improving.

I felt like sleeping all day and not waking up until I have to go to work tomorrow.

I just hated the sight of everything, flinched at every harsh word.

I just want this day to end.

Managed to see Asdil for a movie and buka puasa.

He gave me a reason to smile awhile.

He gave me reason to laugh.

The movie helped, too.

I like serious, make-you-think movies when I feel like crap.

Thinking movies stimulates my mind and takes my mind off things.

Comedies just make me more pissed off and annoyed.

Having Asdil with me was a bonus, makes me feel extremely better.

But inside, I was also aching at the thought of not seeing him for more than a week.

Being far away from him scares me sometimes.

And thinking of him on the road, and the many dangers terrifies me.

I'm back home now, away from him.

I'm back to being miserable again.

Croissant Monster

2010-09-04T18:53:00.001+08:00

This morning during sahur I laughed very loudly to myself when I discovered that the pack of croissants I bought had only one croissant in it.

Where are the others, you ask?

Well, I just discovered that I am in love with a croissant monster. Yes, Asdil is the croissant monster.

As soon as I bought them the other night, it turns out he devoured three just like that without me realizing it. Croissant monster he is.

There was another time when I bought them, he didn't get to eat even one. So during the day during puasa, he couldn't stop thinking about them.

Yep, I'm in love with a croissant monster. Hehe :p And I think it's adorable.

Hey, Croissant Monster, I'll buy you all the croissants you want, just don't run off with a French girl who can make you more croissants.

Love,

Linzy

History

2010-09-03T07:59:00.000+08:00

It's amazing. The fact that. Well. You run off the mouth. Like water. Couldn't touch you. Like surface. Wouldn't break. Like memories. Never fade.

Perhaps. You'd like to. Meet History. Say hello. It seems that. Well. You have forgotten. History hasn't.

Highschool memories

2010-09-02T04:17:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I come across albums newly posted on Facebook of schoolmates who just got engaged or married. I don't bother to look into the album, it's a waste of time really. But I cannot help thinking thoughts that are mean, and yet very gratifying, even though they just cannot happen.

Like I said, I know it's mean, and so vengeful, but I look at many a schoolmate, especially the guys who were painfully mean to me, and I feel like sending a message to their fiances/wives to tell them that the guy they are associating themselves with have no respect for a person who does not fit into his viewframe. I feel like telling these girls to make sure men like these don't breed more of such people when they have offspring. There is no more room for people who cannot appreciate uniqueness.

That is, of course, assuming that these girls don't hold the same outlook as the guy they're gonna be hitched to.

I had my share of pain in highschool. I'm sure everybody did. While I don't hold my demons close and dear to me, I cannot accept that there are so many stupid people in the world. And I dread for my children to have to go through the same. I had to go through too much, and while it has made me a better person, this day and age, such pressure could almost kill.

I don't want my children growing up with people who tell you that you are unworthy of being loved because you are ugly and are not of the same standards of certain people. I don't want people telling them they are ugly and fat and unattractive. I don't want my children to be told that the only way to have somebody even give them the time of day, they would need to pay that person. I don't want my children have teachers pick on them because they are not popular or pretty like the others.

Patience, knowledge that I am better than such people, and serenity of mind kept my chin up, even though many times I felt like caving, and believing the words people said. But nowadays, the pressure is high, and not being able to live up to peer pressure takes a deep toll on many kids. I'm afraid of my children's future.

So I often feel like giving my highschool tormentors a piece of my mind. And tell their wives/fiancees also that they should keep an eye out and ensure that no such scum of the earth is brought up. Of course, I can also give them a reason of a doubt and say they're changed now, but well, just in case.

In any case, I have no frakking idea why these people are in my Facebook list of friends anyway. I should definitely annihilate them. Spring cleaning here I come :P

Love,
Linzy

Unknown

2010-09-02T02:47:00.000+08:00

Ah, the torment is here again. The ache, the want, the painful anticipation. It's here again, tenfold. But then again it never left, just stayed in the shade til it is cool again to tempt the fire.

The fire inside rages. Wanting release, wanting gratification. It calls out to an unknown soul it has yet to know.

Please simmer down, please. We'll know the when it's time.

Burn

2010-08-28T06:48:00.000+08:00

So many days and nights
So many hours spent on fights
And all those seconds ticked by,
like reason without rhyme
And all those moments gone
to end in this moment in time.
Tell me, where do I begin?
So many words, yet this is the end.
This is the end.
Oh God, this is the end.
Take my hand now, our time is ending
Let's take this last moment before parting.
Let me take the hurt, all the blame
Let me ease all the anger and the pain
Let me say the words you need to hear
Let me take away all your fear.
Take my hand now, and let's just burn
Set us on fire and let it burn.

Men ____ hot

2010-08-22T01:44:00.000+08:00

My colleague, Su Lyn, introduced me to an interesting website which features a whole lot of guys reading books. The site was aptly named "Hot Guys Reading Books".

I like the intro to the site:

There are plenty of attractive men in the world, but unfortunately few of them that are avid readers. Welcome to "Hot Guys Reading Books" the blog that scours the internet for examples of luscious literary men and gathers the evidence in one place.

It's pretty much what Sarah (was it you, Sarah? But then again I don't recall ever talking about stuff like this to anyone else) and I always say: Guys who read are hot.

Me, my man reads, and he's hot when does so. So I don't really need this website to get some eye candy ;-p And I do think I've sneaked a few snapshots of him devouring a book...hehehe.

But that is not the only instance that makes a guy extra hot.

What gets my motor revving?

I've been saying this from the very moment I started admiring the masculine species. Oh, and have always been adamant about this the first time I saw Johnny Rzeznik strumming. But men holding and/or strumming a guitar are hot. It ranks at three, but hell, can I just say 'yum'?

At number two we have the very reason why this entry is here in the first place. Men who read are just so hot. A guy with knowledge is hot, and hence, a guy who indulges in some literary candy is just as scrumptious. I like a guy who can sit down and discuss a book with me.

And...

The ultimate sexiness is a man holding a baby. Men holding babies look so darn hot. Bonus points if the baby is his, but even if the baby isn't, it is a sight that warrants a sharp intake of breath, and a hearty sigh. It is heart-melting. Knee-buckling. It's got a lot to do with the mother in every woman that just rings those biological clock alarms when they see a man in a tender moment with a child. And I am happily not immune to such a sight. I love it, and feel my heart racing at the sight of it; it's a rush of impatience and excitement of such a prospect.

So there you have it. A look into what gets me ticking like the crocodile in Peter Pan. In my life I've never divulged much of what I think about men, and the bulk of my friends can hardly recall me every gushing/talking/gossiping about guys. I only talk about it with a very very very select few.

But hell, I'm straight. And God knows what goes in my mind, and He knows it's safer kept private :p

Meanwhile, I have had the luxury of seeing Asdil in all three situations. Except that we do not have children yet. And while the number one in my list is far from becoming reality just right now, one day Insyaallah, we'll get there.

So here's to all the women who agree with these three. Cheers.

And when...

2010-08-15T22:49:00.000+08:00

And when these walls feel like they are about to come tumbling down, he comes to me and holds me together, and builds me up again.

And when I feel I cannot take anymore, he takes them from me the burden, and eases the weight off my back.

And when tears are close to falling, he speaks to me and calms the sea and soothes the storm.

And when I tell him I love him, he tells me he loves me more.

Love,
Linzy

If wishes were houses

2010-08-12T02:47:00.000+08:00

....then I'd be living in bloody peace.

I wish, I just I wish I had many merry bushels of cash that I can buy a house with and never ever worry about looking for a house ever ever ever again.

Scratch that, I wish I had several merry bushels of cash so that Asdil and I could get hitched, get a place, settle down and never ever worry about looking for a house to rent and go through the painstaking trouble of looking for housemates, cough up cash for the rental deposit, move multiple times in a year and lug baggage around and instead just sit back and relax in the comfort of our own home.

I hate this part of living on my own. The independence it allows me lends the shred of sanity I desperately need. But this part of the package, I just could not stand. In hardly two years, I have moved houses 4 times. Three out of the four times I did the moving by myself with a lone trolley. The last time I moved, it took me and Asdil to load a van full of boxes and furniture to move from Cyberjaya to Petaling Jaya.

It has been tiring. Not to mention a terrible weight on my bank account, having to come up with oodles of cash for the rental deposit. And this unit I moved into back in May is the horror of horrors. With the constant cut water supply and notices from MBPJ and the apartment management due to the owners neglecting to pay maintenance fees, bills and taxes and whatnot. I've been in and out of the office clarifying this and that just to get through the day having decently showered and sane enough to work.

Sometimes it gets so heavy that I can barely scrape through the month.

And now, after I've gotten so so comfortable in this house I'm living in, and after I just got meself a fridge, the owner tells me he wants to sell the house. Seriously, FML.

So now here I am once again hunting down a house.

I can do with never having to do this ever again.

Linzy~

P/s: And no, this has nothing to do with the mess I'm in right now.

< broken 3

2010-08-10T03:20:00.000+08:00

Tears on a lonely night.

It'd make a good song or a poem if it wasn't so heartbreaking. And it feels like it is. Again.

Lost

2010-08-09T01:31:00.001+08:00

"I am no solution to the sound of this pollution in me" - Here is gone

I can't fight this restlessness.
It's like wanting to run but not knowing where to go. It's like standing still but you really are falling. It's like you're alone, even when you're not.

I feel a sense of incompletion.
Like I lost a part of me and I cannot find it. Like a part of me died, and the rest of me cannot function without it.

I sometimes think life is passing me by.
Shakespeare said we are all players on this stage; and yet I feel as if I am only a spectator with the cheapest ticket. Edge of my seat, taking in what I see, but cannot feel.

I am lost.
Tell me where to go. Hell, tell me my name. Because I think I have forgotten.

Love is...

2010-08-05T02:55:00.000+08:00

Love is the familiar stranger who returns to you like a long forgotten friend. A grown man taking place the image of a boy you once known, yet with the same smile you almost forgot. He is one who'll take your heart now you've grown to be the one who'll take who he's grown to be.

Love is the thing you know but never have known. It's the beat of the heart you know that's there, but never feel it til it skips and pulls at your heartstrings.

Love is the home you return to after a weary fight. A comfort that welcomes you into its waiting arms.

Love is holding your head up high, knowing that in spite of everything, you are loved. Something not many have the luxury of having.

Love is for me, the space between his protective arms and his strong chest as he pulls me closer. Love is his gentle kiss against my brow in greeting or departing. Love is his caress of my hair, down to my cheek in quiet comfort. Love is the assurance he gives as he slips his hand between my fidgety ones. Love is the rumbling in my belly from all the butterflies he still gives me. Love is the neverending excitement of anticipation, waiting to see him again. Love is fooling and joking about like a bunch of 16-year-olds on a sugar high.

Love is a million and one things; some of which I can twine into a sentences, and some of which I can never put to words.

But importantly, my love has a name: Asdil.

Love,
Linzy

Lookalikes

2010-08-04T18:04:00.002+08:00

My mother used to tell me to never ever tell a person that he or she reminds you of someone. Especially if that person whom you think your friend/the person in front of you resembles is a celebrity or some other well known person.

Why? Because you never know what that person might think of the person whom you just said looks like him or her. And I totally agree with my mom.

I mean, think about it. For example, I hate Renee Zelwegger. No reason, really, but I just couldn't stand her. I avoid movies with her in it, and never did see the entertainment factor in Bridget Jone's Diary, and the fact that she was in it made me loathe the movie all the more. So if anybody were to say I remind another person of Renee, I'd go have meself a facelift.

Ok, maybe that's too far off a story. Let's take Hilary Duff. Some years back, a few people said I look like her. I don't find her unattractive or anything, but looking at her annoys me to no end. Perhaps it was because at the time, Lizzie Maguire was all the rage and Disney was squeezing every cent they can from her popularity. So I associated Miss Duff with something icky and to be avoided at all times. So imagine my disgust when several people from school told me I look like her. It was almost insulting, but I wouldn't say that to the person who commented.

Thing is, I know when people say things like that, they mean good. Well, most of the time anyway. But in general, it is supposed to be a compliment. After all, celebrities almost always look good and that being compared to them should be a good thing, right? Wrong.

Well, it's not ok in my book. My policy is that, you never know what a person think of a certain celebrity. In your mind, Celebrity A looks so damn good, and comparing somebody to Celebrity A is a real compliment. But what if that somebody hates Celebrity A and doesn't like they way Celebrity A looks? Won't that be real embarrassing for you?

So really, my advice is that shouldn't openly compare a person to somebody else's looks to be on the safe side.

Me, I've had my share. Never actually felt chuffed at any of the comments, and for the most part, I just displayed a huge amount of disbelief.

The worse would of course be Hilary Duff, whom I makes me think "tween on sugar", but the others were pretty tame enough for me to regard it with indifference.

Of course I was never met with the same indifference. It was more of adamant threat for me to comply and agree with the comment. But heck, I couldn't care enough to, well, care.

I've been compared to an Indonesian actress once, but just once so I don't count that. And also a Bollywood actress a couple of times, but that because I was wearing something that looked like what she was wearing in a movie. The most comments I've gotten was that I look like Melissa Joan Hart, and this was the time in highschool. Supposedly it was around the eye area and face shape, but hell, I never saw any similarities. Second up is Summer Glau, this was a few years back by some friends. And when I was 12ish until I was about 14 or so, it was Christina Ricci.

But really, are your eyes really skewed?

I just like looking like myself.

I like the way I look, me being just plain and all, but I really don't mind.

Love,
Linzy

Weary

2010-08-02T21:42:00.000+08:00

If it was possible, I'd liketo disengage my brain and put it in a box for a while so that I don't need to think. You know, like in comics or cartoons where they will take out their dentures before going to bed? I'd like to do that, unhinge my skull, and place my brain in a box for safekeeping, until I'm ready to put it back in.

Better yet, if I could run it through a washing machine, or dust out the annoying thoughts like pebbles in a shoe.

I just need a break from thinking. My mind is overdrive and there is no solace from it. I need comfort that these coming years will be void of all this, and yet, there is no assurance for anything. It's all a wildcard.

I cannot deal right now. The voices in my head are just jarring...I want them to stop stop STOP. I'm tired, and I don't need these unnecessary worries that weigh down this already weary mind.

Please make it stop.

Headtrip

2010-08-02T00:11:00.000+08:00

I need to clear my head.

Distractions

2010-08-01T02:02:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when I'm at work, and I'm a little worn out, and my mind starts to go to its own happy place, I have thoughts of you, more often that not.

These thoughts are a beautiful distraction. Sometimes alittle bit too much. Sometimes a little creepy. Especially when I get that smirk at the corner of my lips, eyes a bit far away, and my biting my lips to hold back from making involuntary sighs.

It's the words you say, little gestures, your cheeky expressions, wide smile, th ethings you do...it's everything.

I can't help it. My thoughts are filled with you. All the things I dream of doing involves you being right there with me.

Don't blame me. You made it impossible not to love you.

Love,
NeQ

Sup3rvanity

2010-07-28T04:23:00.005+08:00

I wouldn't call myself a fashionista. I love clothes, that's a definite 'yes'; and anyone who has known me long enough would notice that my supply of clothes is so that you could hardly see me wearing the same combo in a month (although I am guilty of overwearing non-iron t-shirts or blouses every now and again). But fashion savvy I am not.

I just love how clothes make me feel. I know beauty is skin-deep, but there's nothing shallow about feeling good on the outside other than just on the inside. When I feel good in both ways, I feel I can take over the world.

But a plus-size girl like me can't enjoy just anything sold in shops. Often I would need to hunt down the sizes I want, or even hunt down a shop that sells decent enough clothing in my size that doesn't look grandma.

But see, that adds to the allure. The fact that I have to work extra hard to look for something I could wear and on top of that, look for something that my salary could accommodate, adds fun to the chase of buying clothes. It makes it all the more precious. And when you've zero-ed in on that perfect outfit, you wanna hold on and never let go.

Nowadays, blogshops have been a saving grace. Clothes are now cheaper, prettier and less run-of-the-mill. Some shop is always offering something different from the rest. And you can just go ga-ga over the choices. The problem with sizes has also been minimized with so many plus-sized boutiques out there. Us gals are spoilt for choice, really.

I admit I feel out of place during times I've been into places like TopShop or Forever21 when friends wanna go there to shop. Aside from the lack of size, the prices there are especially a deterrent. If my salary could speak, it would outrightly say "Hell, no". But even if money wasn't that much of an issue, and even though their prices are not that bad, paying for just clothing at that price is like being robbed blind. Well, in my opinion anyway.

So here's me, not concerned and not up to date about the fashion world, but loves fashion nonetheless. And with my tight budget, finding affordable clothes also needs to be factored in. So I'm proud to call myself the thrifty plussize shopper; hell, I ain't afraid to say it.

Love,
Linzy

Great Divide

2010-07-26T01:49:00.002+08:00

It's much to wide a space

An open ocean

A great divide

Like a lonely vessel of

Empty bunks

Deserted deck

Unmanned wheel

Bobbing to nobody's beat
A solitary island
Standing still
Waiting
Waiting
Waiting
For the ship to sail in
And remind it again
That these spaces between
Is for the rush
When the tide comes in.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2010

Baby, come close this space between us. I miss you.
Disclaimer: Beautiful photo of a lone boat, titled "Lone shark" is by a.kay47 from Flickr.

Sup3rnality

Farther Away

Happy 26th, meself!

Coffee or tea?

Hazelnut

Dear Friend

Green-eyed Monster

Yes

A last goodbye

Crazy Random Happenstance

Sebenarnya

Doubt

Dear God

Some days

Broken Hearted

Freedom

Off the top of my head

Here in my head

Setar struck hard

Stumbling

I don't want...

Premiere Screening for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

Surrender

...

Moments

Heart

Eff Off

Points to ponder

Sincerely, Me

Don't you wanna...?

Quiet

:P

Maybe it's something in the water...

Jantung Hatiku

Love Song

My other half

Taken, and unstirred

Sampai menutup mata

Accidentally in love

Note to self

Precious moments

Terrified

Friends forever

Checklist

You're here

It is many things

Selfless

Things I like about...

Love is...

A mess

Friday, I'm in love!

If there was eternity

Still

Om nom nom nom

Paperweight

Sometimes

Friendship, Love & Loyalty

It's only words

Open Oceans

*Hug*

Without you things go hazy

The Little Things

Let it dawn on you

First Kiss

And another gone and another one gone

Find me

Empty dreams

lost

Drowning

Misery

25 on the 25th!

Lost

A case of paranoia

Fragile

Upset

In memory of Amirah Anuar

A little crazy

Not losing heart

E.x.p.e.c.t.a.t.i.o.n.s.

Hush Self

Hug